Saturday, September 1, 2007

Thoughts, But No Conclusions

Warning: This post is going to be a bunch of rambling and will have no real direction. I'm trying to figure some things out and I need to write down my thoughts and fealings to do so. It won't be as 'edited' as most of my other posts.

I've been praying a lot about friendships lately, both here in Steubenville and with Maria back home. God is really directing my friendships here and I'm meeting all kinds of great people and really starting to get connected. At the same time I'm still looking at my friendship with Maria as having potential for being more than just a friendship at some point in the future.

Maria called on Thursday and we talked about our friendship and where it was going. We hadn't had a chance to talk about our friendship since we saw each other the Monday night before I left town. I was under the impression that she was trying to forget about me, so I tried doing the same even though I don't think I wanted to. Well it turns out that through prayer she's really getting the impression that she shouldn't be letting go of me, and emotionally she doesn't want to let go of me either. During our conversation she let me know that she likes me a lot. I was happy to hear that, but at the same time I was doing a good job of letting her go.

Right now my main problem is that I don't know what I want to do and more importantly, I don't know what I should do. My heart is still having a hard time believing that she has decided for good what she really wants. She has been consistant since we talked two weeks ago, but after the rollercoaster ride I really detached myself from her as far as fealings go. Even though I would like to turn those fealings back on now that I know how she feals I just can't do it. I still look forward to talking to her but there isn't that 'feeling' attached to her like I did over the summer.

The lack of feelings has a lot to do with the distance we have between us right now, but part of it is because right now I'm slowly starting to get attached to Kathleen. I don't even know if that's a wise thing to do because she's only around for this year. Then she'll be graduating and moving back home or wherever else she finds a job. I don't want to get involved with someone who will be gone in a year. But, does it make any sense to get involved with someone who is 'gone' now and will still be gone next year and the following year? That's a long time to be away from each other. A REALLY LONG TIME. I am planning on going home once a month right now to see Maria, so that means I'll see her three times during the school year as well as over Christmas break and summer break.

Is that enough time to have a relationship with someone? I don't know. Do we even need to be in a relationship rather than a friendship? I don't know. Right now I'm definitely content with just being good friends because I still need to work on myself, not to mention I haven't figure out what God wants in this situation.

I also need to decide what to do with my friendship with Kathleen. If I keep hanging around her as much as I am now and in the same way then I am going to develop feelings for her. Right now I don't think that'd be wise. As far as time goes, I'll have a chance to see Kathleen a lot over the next eight months, but she'll be gone for good after that.

I also know that Maria really likes me now, and while my posts on here probably don't make her sound like the best person, she is a really awesome woman. Despite her bits of selfishness here and there she is a very loving and giving person. She comes from a good family and I like the fact that she's so close with her siblings and her parents. That's always a good sign. Anyway, the point of this is that I know where she stands as far as our friendship goes and I have no idea where Kathleen is at. Right now I'd rather her not start to get interested in me because I don't want to hurt her in anyway.

So far all of this is just me trying to figure out what I want. The really important question right now is 'what does God want? I'll have to keep praying about it because right now I either don't know what He wants or else He has told me and I didn't want to hear it so I didn't pay attention.

For now, I plan on keeping my focus on Maria, but I'm not sure I'm at peace with that decision. I'm hoping through prayer and then spending the weekend with her in two weeks will help me decide what I should be doing.

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