Heidi looks at me, I fake a smile so she won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we could be
I wish times were different, so it'd work out alright
I wonder if she knows she's all I think about at night
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I put her picture down, and maybe get some sleep tonight
'Cause she's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Heidi left for Australia yesterday and it's going to be two weeks before I will see her again.
I'm missing her like crazy right now, and I'm completely bummed out that she's gone. I just don't really feel like doing anything right now other than being with her.
I was out with Tim last night and we were talking about Heidi and I. He really thinks we'd make a good couple and he's been encouraging me to pursue her. I really want too, but I know I can't. If she hadn't been engaged to John so recently, if we didn't both have ways we need to grow before we are ready to date someone, and if I wasn't leaving in a month to go away to school 6 hours away then I would go after her. So, if it wasn't for time and circumstance we'd make a great couple, but no matter how bad I want that to be I know it never will be. I want it, but it's not God's will for my life. I guess that means he has something better for me, but it's hard to see that right now. It's so hard to have a friend that I'm so close too that I have to let go of. Our final goodbye is going to be HARD and I'm sure I'll cry.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I Don't Want To Leave Her
I've been able to detach myself from almost everything in my life over the last month, but there is still one thing left that is REALLY making me not want to move away and go back to school this fall.
Heidi.
We've been spending a lot of time together lately and I'm slowly falling in love with her. She is definitely my best friend right now and she's helped me out just as much as I've helped her out. We click so well together, we can be serious one second and then laughing histerically the next, and we have so much in common. She has all of the qualities that I'm looking for in a woman and I am about to say goodbye to her. I know we'll still keep in touch, but six hours is a LONG distance.
It's going to be tough losing her, and I know she is going to have a hard time losing me as well.
Heidi.
We've been spending a lot of time together lately and I'm slowly falling in love with her. She is definitely my best friend right now and she's helped me out just as much as I've helped her out. We click so well together, we can be serious one second and then laughing histerically the next, and we have so much in common. She has all of the qualities that I'm looking for in a woman and I am about to say goodbye to her. I know we'll still keep in touch, but six hours is a LONG distance.
It's going to be tough losing her, and I know she is going to have a hard time losing me as well.
No Turning Back Now
I put my two weeks in yesterday, and my last day is August 7th, 2007. That means I have 8 more work days, and 12 more days total before I become unemployed and start preparing to go back to school. Crazy!
The hardest part is that no one at work other than my boss, Julie, and a few trusted friends even know about it. My second manager, Susan, had her 50th birthday party today and Julie and I decided it would be best to wait until Friday before the rest of the group is informed.
What's really frustrating is that I don't know for sure that Auto-Owners will keep me until August 7th. They are free to let me go at any time, so every day I go into work could be my last. I don't want to miss the chance to say goodbye to anyone so I checked my groups schedule today to see who would be on vacation on Friday. I held a meeting at the end of the day today to let Jacqueline, Danell, and Gary know what was going on in case I am let go before Monday. None of them wanted to come to the meeting because I wouldn't tell them what it was about, but eventually I was able to get them to cooperate.
It turns out that Gary is leaving for two weeks of Military leave starting tomorrow, so our meeting this afternoon was my final goodbye to him. Gary and I were never all that close, but he's the first person that I've said my final goodbye to and it hit me pretty hard. I went from being excited about leaving to being sad about leaving everything behind.
I'm more than willing to go back to school because I know that's what God is calling me to, but it's not easy.
The hardest part is that no one at work other than my boss, Julie, and a few trusted friends even know about it. My second manager, Susan, had her 50th birthday party today and Julie and I decided it would be best to wait until Friday before the rest of the group is informed.
What's really frustrating is that I don't know for sure that Auto-Owners will keep me until August 7th. They are free to let me go at any time, so every day I go into work could be my last. I don't want to miss the chance to say goodbye to anyone so I checked my groups schedule today to see who would be on vacation on Friday. I held a meeting at the end of the day today to let Jacqueline, Danell, and Gary know what was going on in case I am let go before Monday. None of them wanted to come to the meeting because I wouldn't tell them what it was about, but eventually I was able to get them to cooperate.
It turns out that Gary is leaving for two weeks of Military leave starting tomorrow, so our meeting this afternoon was my final goodbye to him. Gary and I were never all that close, but he's the first person that I've said my final goodbye to and it hit me pretty hard. I went from being excited about leaving to being sad about leaving everything behind.
I'm more than willing to go back to school because I know that's what God is calling me to, but it's not easy.
Something I Wrote, Titled 'Hurt'
It hurts when you say that you're lonely
And you're standing right there beside me
It hurts when I know that you need me
But by your side you won't let me be
So I drop down to both of my knees
And pray that you'll be able to see
That you will always be loved by me
So,
Help me help you when no one else is there
Help me help you, let me show you I care
Because,
It hurts when you need me but won't let me break your fall
It tears me up inside; I feel like I'm unwanted, unneeded, and small
It hurts when you say you want to try this on your own
Because there's no more excuses to go through life alone
So turn around, embrace the best friend you've ever known
Because,
It hurts so very badly when you don't see
Exactly how much you really mean to me
If I cannot love then I don't wish to live
It hurts too much when I'm not allowed to give
And you're standing right there beside me
It hurts when I know that you need me
But by your side you won't let me be
So I drop down to both of my knees
And pray that you'll be able to see
That you will always be loved by me
So,
Help me help you when no one else is there
Help me help you, let me show you I care
Because,
It hurts when you need me but won't let me break your fall
It tears me up inside; I feel like I'm unwanted, unneeded, and small
It hurts when you say you want to try this on your own
Because there's no more excuses to go through life alone
So turn around, embrace the best friend you've ever known
Because,
It hurts so very badly when you don't see
Exactly how much you really mean to me
If I cannot love then I don't wish to live
It hurts too much when I'm not allowed to give
I Remember That....
I wrote a letter to my co-worker Jacqueline today to thank her for something and I got the following response:
"Thanks for making me cry...well, almost cry. I choked it back."
Jacqueline,
I've been meaning to thank you for something you said to me for almost two years. It was way back in August of 2005 and Jessica had just left me and I was feeling completely hopeless and worthless. At the end of the day on a Friday I went over to let you know what was going on so that you wouldn't come over to my cube and make any more jokes about her and I.
Towards the end of our conversation you were trying to give me some hope for the future and you told me that you were sure I'd eventually find a good girl because I was a good guy who was fun to be around and that I was cute. If you said that to me today it would make no difference in my life, but two years ago it brought me out of the dumps and gave me some hope and confidence in myself. I had planned to stay in that weekend and just be depressed. Instead I decided to get out and start rebuilding my life. That wouldn't have happened, at least not then, if it wasn't for your kind words. You gave me the push I needed to get back on my feet and get to where I am today. Thank you for that, I won't ever forget it.
Until I get Alzheimer's at least.
Your friend and coworker,
Jonathan
"Thanks for making me cry...well, almost cry. I choked it back."
Jacqueline,
I've been meaning to thank you for something you said to me for almost two years. It was way back in August of 2005 and Jessica had just left me and I was feeling completely hopeless and worthless. At the end of the day on a Friday I went over to let you know what was going on so that you wouldn't come over to my cube and make any more jokes about her and I.
Towards the end of our conversation you were trying to give me some hope for the future and you told me that you were sure I'd eventually find a good girl because I was a good guy who was fun to be around and that I was cute. If you said that to me today it would make no difference in my life, but two years ago it brought me out of the dumps and gave me some hope and confidence in myself. I had planned to stay in that weekend and just be depressed. Instead I decided to get out and start rebuilding my life. That wouldn't have happened, at least not then, if it wasn't for your kind words. You gave me the push I needed to get back on my feet and get to where I am today. Thank you for that, I won't ever forget it.
Until I get Alzheimer's at least.
Your friend and coworker,
Jonathan
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
A Letter To Maria
Maria,
I want to thank you for helping me to make the decision to go back to school. I know that we've only known each other for a short time, but you inspired me more than anyone else did. God really used you to push me in the right direction even if you had no idea that you were helping.
During our late night talk in West Virginia, you told me how strongly you felt that I should try to make the most out of my life and that if I wasn't happy working as a programmer that I should do something about it. I respected you enough at that point that I listened to you and was inspired to do something. As soon as I arrived home I started working on my application. I know you were a late addition to the rafting trip, and I'll never doubt that part of the reason you were on the trip was to give me that extra push that I needed to do what God was askign of me.
Of course it wasn't too long after I put in my application that I decided that I was too attached to my house, friends, family, and comfortable life to actually go back to school. Guess who came to the rescue again?
I just happened to go camping that weekend and tell you that I decided to stay at work. You listened to me but you didn't say anything and I could tell you were dissapointed. As I've said before, I had lost the little bit of interest I had in you between the rafting trip and the camping trip. Staying up and talking with you all night started to get me interested in you again and actually gave me more reason to stay. At the same time, I remembered what you said on our rafting trip and I was getting inspired to go back to school again. I was becoming torn, and it was all thanks to you!
Had this been any other time in my life, I never would have pulled you aside to tell you that I was somewhat interested in you and to find out how you felt about me. I've always taken A LOT more time to get to know someone, but I didn't know when I'd have the chance to talk to you alone again, and I knew I didn't have all that long before I had to make a decision. Whether you were interested in me or not was going to factor into my decision to stay or go and I felt like the sooner I knew, the better off we would both be. I apologize for coming on so strong and putting you in that situation. It did help me to know the answer, but I know I caught you off guard and put you in an uncomfortable position.
I was really torn about what I was goiung to do during the early part of the next week, although I felt more like God was pushing me towards school when he shut the door on any possibility of us having more than a friendship. And then you called me on Wednesday to clarify what you said on Saturday and you completely confused me. I knew what you meant, so I didn't take it was if the door was opened again, but I knew it wasn't shut completely and I was trying to figure out what God was telling me.
That Friday was when you and Erin came to Heidi's bonfire. I'm really glad that we had a chance to talk during the end of the night because once again you let me know how you felt about me going back to school, you gave me some logical reasons, and you challenged me to stop waiting for everything to fall in place and to take a chance. I used to be willing to take chances a lot, but working for the last year and a half and having the same weekly routine with work and friends allowed me to slip into a comfort zone and become lazy and less willing to take chances. I didn't realize I had become like that until you said something about it, and I'm grateful to you for doing so because I never watn to be content with staying inside my comfort zone. The last thing that really helped me that night was when you told me that you just felt like I should go. Neither of us knew it at the time, but the next day I would be talking to Jill and out of nowhere she would say the same thing. I felt the same way, but I needed to hear it from both of you.
I was getting closer and closer to deciding that I should go back to school over the weekend and I was able to start detaching myself from friends and material things and surrender it all to God. There were still a few things that I was torn about though. I had been praying about our friendship since West Virginia and I told God that I realy needed Him to make it clear to me what He wanted for our friendship. That Tuesday before the 4th of July we had a chance to talk and for you to let me know where you were at. This sounds silly to you I'm sure, but you were the last attachment I needed to break away from before I could make the decision to go away to school, and our conversation took care of that. It was just a few days alter that I decided for sure that I was heading back to school.
I really feel as if God used our friendship to help me head in the right direction, so thank you for helping to inspire me to make a major life change. I don't know if I'd be going back to school if we hadn't met on the rafting trip. You've made quite the impact on my life even though we just met.
When we were taking 'the walk' in West Virginia, you warned me that when you're around your friends that you feel comfortable with, you are very sarcastic and negative when you relate to them. I had seen that side of you a little bit before, but it came through full force this week at soccer and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't like what I saw.
It's fine if you aren't the 'sweet and humble' Maria that Heidi and I thought you were for the first part of the rafting trip. It's good that you are fiesty and that you have a strong personality. I'm glad you're tough and independant, that you aren't girly, and I don't expect you to be perfect. But last night you described yourself as being a bitch, and you seemed resigned to stay that way because 'that's just me'.
I don't buy that for a second. That may be HOW you are, but that's not WHO you are, and it's certainly not who God made you to be. You know as well as I do that we are called to be Christ to the world and to preach the Gospel through our words ad actions. Constantly relating to others with a negative sarcasm will never cause someone to look at you and say 'Maria has something that I'm missing from my life, and I want to be more like her'. Instead people are going to be left with hurt feelings, whether they show it or not. You have the characteristics of a leader and you could be great at building people up, helping their self esteem, and helping them see their value in life and reach their potential.
First you have to reach your own potential, and you aren't there now.
If I had seen the sarcastic and negative side of you before I saw all of your good characteristics then I wouldn't have taken our conversations to heart, and I wouldn't be writing this letter and thanking you for making a difference in my life.
I'll repeat and expand on what I told you right before we said goodnight after our talk in West Virginia: Take this as if it's coming from a brother; you have a beautiful heart and God has a great plan for you. Keep trusting in Him and He'll lead you. You are a beautiful woman with a lot of potential. Don't let your habit of relating in a sarcastic and negative way keep you from reaching your potential. I've met a lot of women and I see something very special in you. When I look at you I see a strong woman who is intelligent, reflective, a great listener, has charisma, is a good leader, and is devoted to loving God. Don't hide those qualities from the rest of the world. We need more pople like you to shine through and be an example to others.
While we were waiting for Heidi and Jon to quit talking on Monday after soccer, you were asking about Jeff and I living together and you found out that we didn't actually life together. You turned away from us and hung your head and said "I guess I can't trust anyone". I really think that you were hurt, but that it was more that you'd been hurt by some other people lately and that this was just one more thing where you felt like you couldn't trust someone. If that's the case then I'm very sorry for giving you the idea that we were roommates and I'm sorry for hurting you. I really couldn't read you that night and I thought if I asked if you were actually hurt that you wouldn't admit to it anyway....plus you started a staring contest when I sat down to make sure you were okay so you deflected the attention away from you being hurt. I have a feeling you do that a lot; you're a tough girl and I don't think you want anyone to realize when you're hurting.
On a completely different note, I would really like to get together to show you the Rafting video that I've been working on and to hang out and talk some evening before I head down to Steubenville and am never seen again. I don't know if this needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway: I see you as a friend and as my sister in Christ. Anything that I'm saying or doing will because I'm trying to be a good friend and there aren't any other intentions behind my actions.
I'll give you a call in a week or two to see if you're interested in getting together. God bless you, and you'll be in my prayers.
Your friend,
Jonathan
I want to thank you for helping me to make the decision to go back to school. I know that we've only known each other for a short time, but you inspired me more than anyone else did. God really used you to push me in the right direction even if you had no idea that you were helping.
During our late night talk in West Virginia, you told me how strongly you felt that I should try to make the most out of my life and that if I wasn't happy working as a programmer that I should do something about it. I respected you enough at that point that I listened to you and was inspired to do something. As soon as I arrived home I started working on my application. I know you were a late addition to the rafting trip, and I'll never doubt that part of the reason you were on the trip was to give me that extra push that I needed to do what God was askign of me.
Of course it wasn't too long after I put in my application that I decided that I was too attached to my house, friends, family, and comfortable life to actually go back to school. Guess who came to the rescue again?
I just happened to go camping that weekend and tell you that I decided to stay at work. You listened to me but you didn't say anything and I could tell you were dissapointed. As I've said before, I had lost the little bit of interest I had in you between the rafting trip and the camping trip. Staying up and talking with you all night started to get me interested in you again and actually gave me more reason to stay. At the same time, I remembered what you said on our rafting trip and I was getting inspired to go back to school again. I was becoming torn, and it was all thanks to you!
Had this been any other time in my life, I never would have pulled you aside to tell you that I was somewhat interested in you and to find out how you felt about me. I've always taken A LOT more time to get to know someone, but I didn't know when I'd have the chance to talk to you alone again, and I knew I didn't have all that long before I had to make a decision. Whether you were interested in me or not was going to factor into my decision to stay or go and I felt like the sooner I knew, the better off we would both be. I apologize for coming on so strong and putting you in that situation. It did help me to know the answer, but I know I caught you off guard and put you in an uncomfortable position.
I was really torn about what I was goiung to do during the early part of the next week, although I felt more like God was pushing me towards school when he shut the door on any possibility of us having more than a friendship. And then you called me on Wednesday to clarify what you said on Saturday and you completely confused me. I knew what you meant, so I didn't take it was if the door was opened again, but I knew it wasn't shut completely and I was trying to figure out what God was telling me.
That Friday was when you and Erin came to Heidi's bonfire. I'm really glad that we had a chance to talk during the end of the night because once again you let me know how you felt about me going back to school, you gave me some logical reasons, and you challenged me to stop waiting for everything to fall in place and to take a chance. I used to be willing to take chances a lot, but working for the last year and a half and having the same weekly routine with work and friends allowed me to slip into a comfort zone and become lazy and less willing to take chances. I didn't realize I had become like that until you said something about it, and I'm grateful to you for doing so because I never watn to be content with staying inside my comfort zone. The last thing that really helped me that night was when you told me that you just felt like I should go. Neither of us knew it at the time, but the next day I would be talking to Jill and out of nowhere she would say the same thing. I felt the same way, but I needed to hear it from both of you.
I was getting closer and closer to deciding that I should go back to school over the weekend and I was able to start detaching myself from friends and material things and surrender it all to God. There were still a few things that I was torn about though. I had been praying about our friendship since West Virginia and I told God that I realy needed Him to make it clear to me what He wanted for our friendship. That Tuesday before the 4th of July we had a chance to talk and for you to let me know where you were at. This sounds silly to you I'm sure, but you were the last attachment I needed to break away from before I could make the decision to go away to school, and our conversation took care of that. It was just a few days alter that I decided for sure that I was heading back to school.
I really feel as if God used our friendship to help me head in the right direction, so thank you for helping to inspire me to make a major life change. I don't know if I'd be going back to school if we hadn't met on the rafting trip. You've made quite the impact on my life even though we just met.
When we were taking 'the walk' in West Virginia, you warned me that when you're around your friends that you feel comfortable with, you are very sarcastic and negative when you relate to them. I had seen that side of you a little bit before, but it came through full force this week at soccer and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't like what I saw.
It's fine if you aren't the 'sweet and humble' Maria that Heidi and I thought you were for the first part of the rafting trip. It's good that you are fiesty and that you have a strong personality. I'm glad you're tough and independant, that you aren't girly, and I don't expect you to be perfect. But last night you described yourself as being a bitch, and you seemed resigned to stay that way because 'that's just me'.
I don't buy that for a second. That may be HOW you are, but that's not WHO you are, and it's certainly not who God made you to be. You know as well as I do that we are called to be Christ to the world and to preach the Gospel through our words ad actions. Constantly relating to others with a negative sarcasm will never cause someone to look at you and say 'Maria has something that I'm missing from my life, and I want to be more like her'. Instead people are going to be left with hurt feelings, whether they show it or not. You have the characteristics of a leader and you could be great at building people up, helping their self esteem, and helping them see their value in life and reach their potential.
First you have to reach your own potential, and you aren't there now.
If I had seen the sarcastic and negative side of you before I saw all of your good characteristics then I wouldn't have taken our conversations to heart, and I wouldn't be writing this letter and thanking you for making a difference in my life.
I'll repeat and expand on what I told you right before we said goodnight after our talk in West Virginia: Take this as if it's coming from a brother; you have a beautiful heart and God has a great plan for you. Keep trusting in Him and He'll lead you. You are a beautiful woman with a lot of potential. Don't let your habit of relating in a sarcastic and negative way keep you from reaching your potential. I've met a lot of women and I see something very special in you. When I look at you I see a strong woman who is intelligent, reflective, a great listener, has charisma, is a good leader, and is devoted to loving God. Don't hide those qualities from the rest of the world. We need more pople like you to shine through and be an example to others.
While we were waiting for Heidi and Jon to quit talking on Monday after soccer, you were asking about Jeff and I living together and you found out that we didn't actually life together. You turned away from us and hung your head and said "I guess I can't trust anyone". I really think that you were hurt, but that it was more that you'd been hurt by some other people lately and that this was just one more thing where you felt like you couldn't trust someone. If that's the case then I'm very sorry for giving you the idea that we were roommates and I'm sorry for hurting you. I really couldn't read you that night and I thought if I asked if you were actually hurt that you wouldn't admit to it anyway....plus you started a staring contest when I sat down to make sure you were okay so you deflected the attention away from you being hurt. I have a feeling you do that a lot; you're a tough girl and I don't think you want anyone to realize when you're hurting.
On a completely different note, I would really like to get together to show you the Rafting video that I've been working on and to hang out and talk some evening before I head down to Steubenville and am never seen again. I don't know if this needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway: I see you as a friend and as my sister in Christ. Anything that I'm saying or doing will because I'm trying to be a good friend and there aren't any other intentions behind my actions.
I'll give you a call in a week or two to see if you're interested in getting together. God bless you, and you'll be in my prayers.
Your friend,
Jonathan
Monday, July 16, 2007
My Life Is Complete
I was watching Switchfoot's video podcast today and they were advertising the fact that they would be on tour with Relient K this fall. Relient K is my favorite band and Switchfoot is a close second. There aren't any other bands that even come in a close third.
Hopefully I'll have some friends at Steubenville by the time they come into Ohio, but I'll go alone if I have to.
Hopefully I'll have some friends at Steubenville by the time they come into Ohio, but I'll go alone if I have to.
There's Potential
Maria was at soccer tonight and she needed a ride home, which meant that I was around her and relating to her more than normal tonight.
The more I'm around her the less I like her as a friend.
Heidi and I were talking about it, and when we first met her in West Virginia she was very sweet and humble. Well, she changed a lot the last day of the trip and we quickly found out that she is very sarcastic and even quite mean at times. When I asked her to take a walk with me and had a chance to talk to her she mentioned that when she's around her friends she is very sarcastic and degrading to them, but that's who she is so she's okay with it.
When her and I are alone and talking she does a good job, most of the time, being serious and actually talking about things. She's had her moments of being a great friend, but as soon as she's in a group situation she becomes completely sarcastic and I actually don't like relating to her.
My heart feels torn in a way because she's two completely different people to me. I really like one side of her and I very much dislike the other side. I'll be writing my 'last letter' to her eventually to thank her for helping me make the decision to go back to school, but if I don't have a chance to talk to her about her sarcasm beforehand then I'll be putting that in the letter as well.
I love the girl like she's my sister and it bothers me that I see so much potential in her, yet most of the way she relates to people is in a sarcastic and degrading way. She's only 21 so I know she has time to grow up still.
I just hope she does.
The more I'm around her the less I like her as a friend.
Heidi and I were talking about it, and when we first met her in West Virginia she was very sweet and humble. Well, she changed a lot the last day of the trip and we quickly found out that she is very sarcastic and even quite mean at times. When I asked her to take a walk with me and had a chance to talk to her she mentioned that when she's around her friends she is very sarcastic and degrading to them, but that's who she is so she's okay with it.
When her and I are alone and talking she does a good job, most of the time, being serious and actually talking about things. She's had her moments of being a great friend, but as soon as she's in a group situation she becomes completely sarcastic and I actually don't like relating to her.
My heart feels torn in a way because she's two completely different people to me. I really like one side of her and I very much dislike the other side. I'll be writing my 'last letter' to her eventually to thank her for helping me make the decision to go back to school, but if I don't have a chance to talk to her about her sarcasm beforehand then I'll be putting that in the letter as well.
I love the girl like she's my sister and it bothers me that I see so much potential in her, yet most of the way she relates to people is in a sarcastic and degrading way. She's only 21 so I know she has time to grow up still.
I just hope she does.
Lonely
I am going to miss my friends so very much. This is the second week that I drove home from soccer in Grand Rapids with Jeff and Heidi and I felt completely alone when I thought about how much I'm going to miss them.
I still wonder half of the time why I'm actually leaving my life behind and going back to school. I know it's what God wants from me and there is NO way I would be doing this otherwise.
I'm going down to Steubenville this coming Sunday and I have my tour of the campus and appointment with an admissions counselor. I'll be driving down with Sarah and Andrea who both go to Steubenville, so at least I don't have to make the treck alone. Also, it's great to know that I actually know four or five people who go there so I won't be completely alone.
My old roommate from home is going there but I don't think he's ever really connected with anyone. I figure that if I can get him to hang out with me I can meet people AND help him get a bit more connected. It should end up being a mutual thing, which will be good.
For now I'll just be offering up my loneliness and praying that God will help me to keep trusting in Him.
I still wonder half of the time why I'm actually leaving my life behind and going back to school. I know it's what God wants from me and there is NO way I would be doing this otherwise.
I'm going down to Steubenville this coming Sunday and I have my tour of the campus and appointment with an admissions counselor. I'll be driving down with Sarah and Andrea who both go to Steubenville, so at least I don't have to make the treck alone. Also, it's great to know that I actually know four or five people who go there so I won't be completely alone.
My old roommate from home is going there but I don't think he's ever really connected with anyone. I figure that if I can get him to hang out with me I can meet people AND help him get a bit more connected. It should end up being a mutual thing, which will be good.
For now I'll just be offering up my loneliness and praying that God will help me to keep trusting in Him.
Friday, July 13, 2007
The House Is Going To Be A Problem
I talked to Jill today about renting from me and she is going to take the weekend to think about it. She didn't sound like she was very interested though, which was somewhat surprising since just a week ago she was VERY interested when I told her the same price. I guess I'll just leave it up to God to work out.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Nightmares Have Begun
I was talking to Mike at work yesterday and he was joking about how I'm going to have nightmares everynight about being late for work since I'll be able to sleep in and start school at 10:30 instead of being at work at 7:00.
It was quite funny that I had a nightmare last night that I was late for work, AND I was missing the first day of school at the same time. I'm hoping that I'm not going to start a trend.
It was quite funny that I had a nightmare last night that I was late for work, AND I was missing the first day of school at the same time. I'm hoping that I'm not going to start a trend.
Solidarity Sucks
I went out to Grand Rapids with Heidi and Jeff to play soccer with the Catholic young adults group out there last night. On the way home I was talking to Heidi and Jeff about my decision to go back to school and all the things that I would be leaving behind. We were talking about West Virginia and I started thinking about Maria and the good conversations we had together, as well as the camping trip where we stayed out all night talking. Then I started thinking about all of my other friends that I was giving up.
Suddenly, a feeling of loneliness swept through my heart. I started thinking of all the people I was leaving behind and how I was venturing out by myself. I felt very alone and I started to think about solidarity.
In the end everything boils down to you and God. Nothing else matters really. Good luck convincing me of that though. I find comfort in people, in music, movies, video games, pets, my guitar, etc. I find that I am often blind to the fact that God, and God alone, loves me unconditionally and that He needs to be the center of my life at all times. I let everything else in my life influence my relationship with God, and it's more often in a negative way than a positive way. It was really good for me to feel that sense of loneliness, it helps me see more clearly that I need to find all my strength and comfort in God. I know that's what He's really trying to do in my life right now, I just need to get myself to surrender to Him completely.
Easier said than done.
Suddenly, a feeling of loneliness swept through my heart. I started thinking of all the people I was leaving behind and how I was venturing out by myself. I felt very alone and I started to think about solidarity.
In the end everything boils down to you and God. Nothing else matters really. Good luck convincing me of that though. I find comfort in people, in music, movies, video games, pets, my guitar, etc. I find that I am often blind to the fact that God, and God alone, loves me unconditionally and that He needs to be the center of my life at all times. I let everything else in my life influence my relationship with God, and it's more often in a negative way than a positive way. It was really good for me to feel that sense of loneliness, it helps me see more clearly that I need to find all my strength and comfort in God. I know that's what He's really trying to do in my life right now, I just need to get myself to surrender to Him completely.
Easier said than done.
So It's Kind Of Complicated....
Selling my house isn't going to be as easy as I first thought; in fact it may just not happen. I talked to my realtor, Kay, and we went over the market and all the possibilities. Unfortunately there is no way to sell the house without taking a $10,000 to $20,000 loss since I've only had it for a bit over a year.
What I'm hoping, and praying, is that God is causing us to hold on to it because He wants me to be renting it out to someone. Only time will tell. For now I'll be crunching numbers and then presenting them to Jill.
And praying. A lot.
What I'm hoping, and praying, is that God is causing us to hold on to it because He wants me to be renting it out to someone. Only time will tell. For now I'll be crunching numbers and then presenting them to Jill.
And praying. A lot.
A Letter To Theresa
To continue my series of letters that I'm writing to people who've had an impact on my life:
Theresa,
As you know, i am heading back to school this fall so I won't be around town anymore. I wanted to say a few things to you before I leave, and I thought a letter would be the best way since we haven't really spoken lately.
I want to thank you for being a good friend to me, especially right after Jennifer and I broke up. I will never forget how you were there for me on my birthday, and your call at midnight made my day. You really helped me get back on my feet and feel loved when I needed it the most. Thank you, I won't forget that. I also want you to know that I'm glad that we tried dating and that I have no regrets about our time spent together, except that I ended up hurting you.
Right before we decided to just be friends I had taken a trip down to visit David at school, and I went to his Philosophy of Love class. I took a lot of notes that I had wanted to share with you, but I obviously won't have that chance now. There is one thing from the class that I feel like I should share with you though.
We were discussing about how when two people love each other and share their lives with each other on any level that they actually enter into each other's hearts. Love is in essence a union, whether it's the love between friends, a married couple, or the love between God and yourself. To love and be loved, we must open ourselves up and let others in.
This union that love creates is the only way to heal our hearts when we have been hurt. We HAVE to allow another into our hearts to share in our sufferings to heal from them. We cannot be healed if we keep ourselves isolated.
I have no idea what is going through your mind or heart these days, but when we talked last I know there was a lot of deep rooted pain from the past. I know that you aren't very comfortable talking to anyone about it and that's okay. I remember you telling me that Fr. Steve had been encouraging you to pray about whatever it was that has been hurting you, but that you never really did.
If you haven't started bringing your pain to the Lord then I really want to encourage you to do so. By opening that part of your heart to Him and allowing Him to enter, you will be able to unite your suffering with Christ's suffering and over time you can heal from the past.
You have a beautiful heart and more potential than you know. Don't let hurts and pains hold you back from everything that God wants from you. Suffering joyfully is a worthy thing to do, but holding onto pains from the past is not necessary. God will find plenty of other things for you to offer up if that's His will for you.
God bless you, and know that you'll be in my prayers. You were a good friend to me, and although we haven't talked much lately I will miss having you around.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Theresa,
As you know, i am heading back to school this fall so I won't be around town anymore. I wanted to say a few things to you before I leave, and I thought a letter would be the best way since we haven't really spoken lately.
I want to thank you for being a good friend to me, especially right after Jennifer and I broke up. I will never forget how you were there for me on my birthday, and your call at midnight made my day. You really helped me get back on my feet and feel loved when I needed it the most. Thank you, I won't forget that. I also want you to know that I'm glad that we tried dating and that I have no regrets about our time spent together, except that I ended up hurting you.
Right before we decided to just be friends I had taken a trip down to visit David at school, and I went to his Philosophy of Love class. I took a lot of notes that I had wanted to share with you, but I obviously won't have that chance now. There is one thing from the class that I feel like I should share with you though.
We were discussing about how when two people love each other and share their lives with each other on any level that they actually enter into each other's hearts. Love is in essence a union, whether it's the love between friends, a married couple, or the love between God and yourself. To love and be loved, we must open ourselves up and let others in.
This union that love creates is the only way to heal our hearts when we have been hurt. We HAVE to allow another into our hearts to share in our sufferings to heal from them. We cannot be healed if we keep ourselves isolated.
I have no idea what is going through your mind or heart these days, but when we talked last I know there was a lot of deep rooted pain from the past. I know that you aren't very comfortable talking to anyone about it and that's okay. I remember you telling me that Fr. Steve had been encouraging you to pray about whatever it was that has been hurting you, but that you never really did.
If you haven't started bringing your pain to the Lord then I really want to encourage you to do so. By opening that part of your heart to Him and allowing Him to enter, you will be able to unite your suffering with Christ's suffering and over time you can heal from the past.
You have a beautiful heart and more potential than you know. Don't let hurts and pains hold you back from everything that God wants from you. Suffering joyfully is a worthy thing to do, but holding onto pains from the past is not necessary. God will find plenty of other things for you to offer up if that's His will for you.
God bless you, and know that you'll be in my prayers. You were a good friend to me, and although we haven't talked much lately I will miss having you around.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Monday, July 9, 2007
Amazingly Hot
It’s Monday and I’m back at work again. It was a really hot weekend with temperatures reaching 98F in the sun and the heat index easily cracking 100F. I don’t use air conditioning at home because I don’t mind the heat, other than when I’m trying to sleep. I was looking forward to coming to work this morning just to get out of the heat. My house was still about 91F when I left this morning.
I arrived at work just before 7:00 and climbed the stairs to my floor. Usually the air conditioning hits me when I first walk through the doors but it was kind of stuffy this morning. I was walking to my cubicle expecting the cold air to hit me, but it never happened. It turns out that our air conditioning was off all weekend and the building was a steamy 92F. I love the heat, but 92F is quite hot when I’m wearing dress pants, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie.
One of my coworkers who is in charge of Corporate Travel stopped me to show me an message that our CEO had sent her. Originally he wrote an email to her to ask her how much a ticket to Hawaii would cost, and she replied with a quote of around $800. Well he printed out this email and wrote a message on the bottom of it asking her to resend the quote because he misplaced it. That would be fine if he ACTUALLY misplaced it, but he wrote that message on the thing he thought he misplaced. We got a good laugh out of that. That's why American corporations pay our CEO's the big bucks!
Other than that it’s been a normal day. I am waiting on my realtor to give me a ring so I can talk to her about getting my house listed ASAP. I need to call Karen, the lady who runs the Mother Teresa house, and let her know that my last shift will be August 2nd. I am mailing out my $300 deposit check this afternoon and I’ll be calling tomorrow to see if I can make an appointment to come and tour the campus and meet with an academic advisor.
My friend Heidi wanted to ride down with me, and my friend Sarah who actually goes to FUS is interested in hitching a ride so she can hang out with some friends. I need to find out when they can go next week and then make the call.
I was talking to Sarah and Andrea last night to see if they knew of any guys who were looking for roommates since they both go to FUS. Andrea’s brother just happens to be looking, but Sarah tells me that he might not be the best roommate for me to have. I haven’t gotten the details as of yet, but next time we talk she’s supposed to fill me in. In the meantime, she knows a bunch of guys that she thinks would really make good roommates and she’s trying to find out if they have an open spot in their house. Right now I’m most excited about that opportunity, but I can’t imagine God will make it that easy for me to find housing. That’d be awesome if He did though!
I have a large aquarium (125 gallons) that I need to sell also. I’ve had it since I turned 16 and I really like it, but there’s no way I am taking it to school with me. I just hope I can find a good home for the fish. I also have a very large (200+) collection of computer games that I’m looking to sell. I need to get started on selling those on Ebay. Even if I make just a small profit on each one it could net me a few hundred dollars which would be really helpful.
I arrived at work just before 7:00 and climbed the stairs to my floor. Usually the air conditioning hits me when I first walk through the doors but it was kind of stuffy this morning. I was walking to my cubicle expecting the cold air to hit me, but it never happened. It turns out that our air conditioning was off all weekend and the building was a steamy 92F. I love the heat, but 92F is quite hot when I’m wearing dress pants, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie.
One of my coworkers who is in charge of Corporate Travel stopped me to show me an message that our CEO had sent her. Originally he wrote an email to her to ask her how much a ticket to Hawaii would cost, and she replied with a quote of around $800. Well he printed out this email and wrote a message on the bottom of it asking her to resend the quote because he misplaced it. That would be fine if he ACTUALLY misplaced it, but he wrote that message on the thing he thought he misplaced. We got a good laugh out of that. That's why American corporations pay our CEO's the big bucks!
Other than that it’s been a normal day. I am waiting on my realtor to give me a ring so I can talk to her about getting my house listed ASAP. I need to call Karen, the lady who runs the Mother Teresa house, and let her know that my last shift will be August 2nd. I am mailing out my $300 deposit check this afternoon and I’ll be calling tomorrow to see if I can make an appointment to come and tour the campus and meet with an academic advisor.
My friend Heidi wanted to ride down with me, and my friend Sarah who actually goes to FUS is interested in hitching a ride so she can hang out with some friends. I need to find out when they can go next week and then make the call.
I was talking to Sarah and Andrea last night to see if they knew of any guys who were looking for roommates since they both go to FUS. Andrea’s brother just happens to be looking, but Sarah tells me that he might not be the best roommate for me to have. I haven’t gotten the details as of yet, but next time we talk she’s supposed to fill me in. In the meantime, she knows a bunch of guys that she thinks would really make good roommates and she’s trying to find out if they have an open spot in their house. Right now I’m most excited about that opportunity, but I can’t imagine God will make it that easy for me to find housing. That’d be awesome if He did though!
I have a large aquarium (125 gallons) that I need to sell also. I’ve had it since I turned 16 and I really like it, but there’s no way I am taking it to school with me. I just hope I can find a good home for the fish. I also have a very large (200+) collection of computer games that I’m looking to sell. I need to get started on selling those on Ebay. Even if I make just a small profit on each one it could net me a few hundred dollars which would be really helpful.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
I Should Go
I went over to have dinner with my parents and talk about the logistics of actually going. We talked about the house, put together a budget for living as a student, talking about living situations and curriculum, and covered any other details that needed to be covered.
I'm in!
On another note, I came home tonight to find that my old friend Joan had written me. We haven't talked since Good Friday, and when we did talk then it was nothing more than a 'it was nice being friends with you, but we can't be friends anymore, so goodbye' conversation, but without the closure. She left it open as to whether we could be friends again and said she'd get a hold of me when the time was right to talk about it. Well, over two months went by and I had given up all hope of hearing from her. God also used that time to break me from any sort of attachment that I had to her as a friend, which was a necessary step for me to take.
We had been really good friends during the darkest time in my life, about two years ago. We lost touch when she started dating a guy about a year ago and just never got back to being friends afterwards. It was hard because neither of us did anything that hurt the other, she just started dating a guy and we stopped talking. After they broke things off I tried to get a hold of her but she had shut me out. Anyway, her letter wrapped up everything that needed to be wrapped up and I feel really good about getting it. She apologized for any hurt she caused me and let me know that I was always a good friend to her. Hearing that meant a lot.
One of the things I want to do before I leave is write letters to all the people who have made a difference in my life over the last two years. Why two years? I'll cover that topic in a later entry I'm sure. It's a little too big for tonight. Lets just say it involved a girl and me coming back into the Church.
Joan was on the list, so I started with her tonight. I'm going to put it here for my future reference.
Hey Joan,
...So, in other circumstances I would end this email but I want to mention something to you really quickly. I'm actually not going to be in the area for very much longer. Unless God does something drastic in my life I will be starting school at The Franciscan University Of Steubenville this coming fall and going into SocialWork / Psychology. I'm working on selling my house right now and setting up which classes I'll be taking this fall.
I've been praying for the last two years that God would show me what he wants me to do with my life because I never felt that working in a cubicle and programming all day was what I was supposed to be doing. This summer He's been guiding me and through alot of prayer and discernment I've decided that I should go back to school and get a degree in something where I can work with people. It's also a great way to get out of Michigan, which I've wanted to do for quite some time. Maybe He has other plans for me, but once I head off to school I'll only be coming back to visit my parents and friends. I'm pretty excited about the opportunity to start life a new, although I'm kind of scared about it too.
I guess the reason I'm letting you know this is because it's pretty likely that you won't actually ever see me around again. I'm writing to different people and thanking them for the different ways that they've helped me, and you are kind of on that list.
I sent you a letter last December in a big pink envelope, but I'm not sure you got it. If you did then you are off the list. If you didn't then there were a few things I wanted to say so I'll put them in here.
I really just want to thank you and your family for the way they treated me from the first time we met in person all the way until the last time I was at your house on Good Friday. I always felt very loved and I will never be able to tell you guys how much that meant to me. I really believe that God put you in my life because I needed that acceptance and that love at that time in my life. You know everything I was going through, but you have no idea how much hope you gave to me and how much your friendship helped me get through the toughest time in my life. I often feel like I never should have contacted you in the first place, but I don't regret it. You were an amazing friend and you were just what I needed at that point in my life. I would not be the person I am today without the love that you and your family showed me; I REALLY mean that. Thank you.
And please don't feel bad about any way that I was hurt by you. I feel that God allowed us to be good friends for as long as was good for both of us. After you and Kurt started dating, He had different plans for both of us. I was still attached to you as a friend, and it was painful to finally make that break earlier this year after I saw you for the last time. But it was necessary for me to go through, and I would go through it again if I had the choice. It was worth it to be friends with you for the time that we were.
Alright, thanks for reading this. You'll continue to be in my prayers, and assuming that you still want to get married I hope you find an awesome husband someday! Do know that you are more than welcome to email me or if you do happen to see me, you can come over and talk to me. Next time I see you (if ever) I'll go out of my way to at least say hello now that I know you're okay with that.
God bless you Joan, and thanks again for being such a great friend to me.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
I'm in!
On another note, I came home tonight to find that my old friend Joan had written me. We haven't talked since Good Friday, and when we did talk then it was nothing more than a 'it was nice being friends with you, but we can't be friends anymore, so goodbye' conversation, but without the closure. She left it open as to whether we could be friends again and said she'd get a hold of me when the time was right to talk about it. Well, over two months went by and I had given up all hope of hearing from her. God also used that time to break me from any sort of attachment that I had to her as a friend, which was a necessary step for me to take.
We had been really good friends during the darkest time in my life, about two years ago. We lost touch when she started dating a guy about a year ago and just never got back to being friends afterwards. It was hard because neither of us did anything that hurt the other, she just started dating a guy and we stopped talking. After they broke things off I tried to get a hold of her but she had shut me out. Anyway, her letter wrapped up everything that needed to be wrapped up and I feel really good about getting it. She apologized for any hurt she caused me and let me know that I was always a good friend to her. Hearing that meant a lot.
One of the things I want to do before I leave is write letters to all the people who have made a difference in my life over the last two years. Why two years? I'll cover that topic in a later entry I'm sure. It's a little too big for tonight. Lets just say it involved a girl and me coming back into the Church.
Joan was on the list, so I started with her tonight. I'm going to put it here for my future reference.
Hey Joan,
...So, in other circumstances I would end this email but I want to mention something to you really quickly. I'm actually not going to be in the area for very much longer. Unless God does something drastic in my life I will be starting school at The Franciscan University Of Steubenville this coming fall and going into SocialWork / Psychology. I'm working on selling my house right now and setting up which classes I'll be taking this fall.
I've been praying for the last two years that God would show me what he wants me to do with my life because I never felt that working in a cubicle and programming all day was what I was supposed to be doing. This summer He's been guiding me and through alot of prayer and discernment I've decided that I should go back to school and get a degree in something where I can work with people. It's also a great way to get out of Michigan, which I've wanted to do for quite some time. Maybe He has other plans for me, but once I head off to school I'll only be coming back to visit my parents and friends. I'm pretty excited about the opportunity to start life a new, although I'm kind of scared about it too.
I guess the reason I'm letting you know this is because it's pretty likely that you won't actually ever see me around again. I'm writing to different people and thanking them for the different ways that they've helped me, and you are kind of on that list.
I sent you a letter last December in a big pink envelope, but I'm not sure you got it. If you did then you are off the list. If you didn't then there were a few things I wanted to say so I'll put them in here.
I really just want to thank you and your family for the way they treated me from the first time we met in person all the way until the last time I was at your house on Good Friday. I always felt very loved and I will never be able to tell you guys how much that meant to me. I really believe that God put you in my life because I needed that acceptance and that love at that time in my life. You know everything I was going through, but you have no idea how much hope you gave to me and how much your friendship helped me get through the toughest time in my life. I often feel like I never should have contacted you in the first place, but I don't regret it. You were an amazing friend and you were just what I needed at that point in my life. I would not be the person I am today without the love that you and your family showed me; I REALLY mean that. Thank you.
And please don't feel bad about any way that I was hurt by you. I feel that God allowed us to be good friends for as long as was good for both of us. After you and Kurt started dating, He had different plans for both of us. I was still attached to you as a friend, and it was painful to finally make that break earlier this year after I saw you for the last time. But it was necessary for me to go through, and I would go through it again if I had the choice. It was worth it to be friends with you for the time that we were.
Alright, thanks for reading this. You'll continue to be in my prayers, and assuming that you still want to get married I hope you find an awesome husband someday! Do know that you are more than welcome to email me or if you do happen to see me, you can come over and talk to me. Next time I see you (if ever) I'll go out of my way to at least say hello now that I know you're okay with that.
God bless you Joan, and thanks again for being such a great friend to me.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?
If you had asked me a week ago what the chance of going back to school versus staying where I'm at was, I would have said it was about 70% to 30%. Today it's about 90% to 10%. I wonder what it'll be next week?
I made a list last week with reasons to stay and reasons to go. I want to examine that list in greater detail and see how my perspective has changed over the last week.
Last Weeks Reasons To Stay
Friends - both in Lansing and Grand Rapids
Living near my family
I have a house that is somewhat tough to just get rid of
A stable job with good pay
Leaving will be about a $70k a year hit. 50 grand I could have made, 20 grand tuition
Maria, wanting to see where things will go with her
I know what each new day will bring
I have time and money to enjoy material things
Retirement Savings
Good Benefits
I enjoy volunteering at the Mother Teresa House
I feel tied down
Last Weeks Reasons To Go
Dead end job
Don't want to work in a cubicle my entire life
Could learn Spanish
Can get out of Lansing and Michigan, which I've wanted for quite a while
4 to 5 years of school will be 4 to 5 years of experiencing new things and meeting people
Gives me a fresh start to life
Jill or someone else could get a cheap place to live (Renting my house)
I can sell a lot of my material things and detach myself from them
The excitement of something new
Doing God's will (If leaving is what He wants from me)
I could do volunteer work after school, before getting a job again
I'll meet lots of new people
Friendships in Lansing are changing anyway, and as people marry I'll be losing friends
Better chance of finding a wife
May be able to travel to Austria for a semester
I'd be surrounded by lots of good people
Could take a week long vacation this summer
I feel tied down, and I shouldn't
I can always go back to programming if it dosen't work out
I do really enjoy my friends here in Lansing, but other than Jill and Heidi I don't have anyone who I'd say is a really close friend. All my guy friends are at a different place in life or on a different level spiritually and intellectually so I've never been able to connect with them on a deep level. I at least have my brother David for that, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I know that wherever I go I'll have no problem meeting people and making new friends, and it won't take long to get a group of people that I know that I can relate to on the same level as 99% of the people here in Lansing.
I really do enjoy living close to my parents and it's great to have them around, but that isn't enough of a reason to actually keep me in Lansing. They'll be moving away in 5 or 6 years when my dad retires anyway, so there isn't any sense in me sticking around for that. I'll still see them if they come to visit me and when I come home.
My house is looking to be less of a reason to stick around. I talked to Jill this week to see if she would be interested in renting from me since she mentioned that she's looking for a new place to live. I still need to check over all the finances to give her a final quote, but she sounded interested if the monthly rent stays around my initial quote. That'd be awesome if she could live here. It's a great location for her since it's between school and her parents place. It'll still be a week or two before I know the house situation, but its less of a reason to stay.
My job is great as a programming job, but it's a dead end job. I'm not the sort of person they are looking for in a manager and after about 6 years I'll be as high up as I could ever go. I could still have a comfortable life outside of work and its low stress enough that I could slide through until retirement. I don't feel that's my calling though. God made me to be great and to make a difference in this world and I'll never do that at Auto-Owners.
The 70 grand a year financial hit sounds like quite a lot, but it doesn't concern me as long as going back to school is what God is asking me to do. I trust that he'll take care of me as long as I'm doing his will so money isn't an issue.
Hah, and then there's Maria. We met just over a month ago when I went white water rafting in West Virginia with some friends. I was having the hardest time figuring out what God wanted for the two of us. Our personalities really click well and we can talk for hours and hours, and it was just two weekends ago that we stayed up until 6:30 in the morning talking while we were camping with friends. I felt like God was really giving me mixed signals of whether to stay or go because he was putting us in situations where we had a chance to get to know each other a lot better and I started getting quite attached to her. At the same time, I really felt like I should go back to school because she was encouraging me to do so and I respected her opinion enough to take it into account. For the last three weeks I felt like I was in a tug-a-war between my head and my heart, and what I should do and what I wanted to do. I felt I should stay because of her, and I thought I should go because of her motivating me to do so. This week we were able to have a conversation about our friendship and we decided it was best for it to not be more than just a friendship. It was kind of dissapointing, but at the same time it was really freeing. I no longer felt pulled to stay because of her.
Life is very predictable for me right now. I know what every day is going to bring and I'm riding along peacefully in my comfort zone. I know that I work Monday through Friday from 7:00 to 3:30. I go to Grand Rapids on Monday to play soccer with Erin and Maria, I play basketball and go to Mass and confession on Tuesdays, I play sports with friends from St. Thomas Aquinas on Wednesday, every other Thursday I volunteer at the Mother Teresa house, and I spend my Friday evening and Saturday and Sunday with friends and family. It's a good life and I love it, so it's tough to step outside of predictability and forge ahead into the unknown.
Thanks to my job I have everything I could ever want when it comes to material things. I'm not rich, and I don't have all that much stuff, but I have what I need to live a comfortable life and I have lots of things I don't need that I enjoy. I know that I've grown an unhealthy attachment to the things in my life and going away to college and going back to the simple life would help cure me of that. I know it'll be tough at first, but it would be totally worth it.
This Weeks Reasons To Stay
My house (maybe)
Jill and Heidi
Volunteering at the Mother Teresa House
This Weeks Reasons To Go
Everything from last week, and more
I made a list last week with reasons to stay and reasons to go. I want to examine that list in greater detail and see how my perspective has changed over the last week.
Last Weeks Reasons To Stay
Friends - both in Lansing and Grand Rapids
Living near my family
I have a house that is somewhat tough to just get rid of
A stable job with good pay
Leaving will be about a $70k a year hit. 50 grand I could have made, 20 grand tuition
Maria, wanting to see where things will go with her
I know what each new day will bring
I have time and money to enjoy material things
Retirement Savings
Good Benefits
I enjoy volunteering at the Mother Teresa House
I feel tied down
Last Weeks Reasons To Go
Dead end job
Don't want to work in a cubicle my entire life
Could learn Spanish
Can get out of Lansing and Michigan, which I've wanted for quite a while
4 to 5 years of school will be 4 to 5 years of experiencing new things and meeting people
Gives me a fresh start to life
Jill or someone else could get a cheap place to live (Renting my house)
I can sell a lot of my material things and detach myself from them
The excitement of something new
Doing God's will (If leaving is what He wants from me)
I could do volunteer work after school, before getting a job again
I'll meet lots of new people
Friendships in Lansing are changing anyway, and as people marry I'll be losing friends
Better chance of finding a wife
May be able to travel to Austria for a semester
I'd be surrounded by lots of good people
Could take a week long vacation this summer
I feel tied down, and I shouldn't
I can always go back to programming if it dosen't work out
I do really enjoy my friends here in Lansing, but other than Jill and Heidi I don't have anyone who I'd say is a really close friend. All my guy friends are at a different place in life or on a different level spiritually and intellectually so I've never been able to connect with them on a deep level. I at least have my brother David for that, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I know that wherever I go I'll have no problem meeting people and making new friends, and it won't take long to get a group of people that I know that I can relate to on the same level as 99% of the people here in Lansing.
I really do enjoy living close to my parents and it's great to have them around, but that isn't enough of a reason to actually keep me in Lansing. They'll be moving away in 5 or 6 years when my dad retires anyway, so there isn't any sense in me sticking around for that. I'll still see them if they come to visit me and when I come home.
My house is looking to be less of a reason to stick around. I talked to Jill this week to see if she would be interested in renting from me since she mentioned that she's looking for a new place to live. I still need to check over all the finances to give her a final quote, but she sounded interested if the monthly rent stays around my initial quote. That'd be awesome if she could live here. It's a great location for her since it's between school and her parents place. It'll still be a week or two before I know the house situation, but its less of a reason to stay.
My job is great as a programming job, but it's a dead end job. I'm not the sort of person they are looking for in a manager and after about 6 years I'll be as high up as I could ever go. I could still have a comfortable life outside of work and its low stress enough that I could slide through until retirement. I don't feel that's my calling though. God made me to be great and to make a difference in this world and I'll never do that at Auto-Owners.
The 70 grand a year financial hit sounds like quite a lot, but it doesn't concern me as long as going back to school is what God is asking me to do. I trust that he'll take care of me as long as I'm doing his will so money isn't an issue.
Hah, and then there's Maria. We met just over a month ago when I went white water rafting in West Virginia with some friends. I was having the hardest time figuring out what God wanted for the two of us. Our personalities really click well and we can talk for hours and hours, and it was just two weekends ago that we stayed up until 6:30 in the morning talking while we were camping with friends. I felt like God was really giving me mixed signals of whether to stay or go because he was putting us in situations where we had a chance to get to know each other a lot better and I started getting quite attached to her. At the same time, I really felt like I should go back to school because she was encouraging me to do so and I respected her opinion enough to take it into account. For the last three weeks I felt like I was in a tug-a-war between my head and my heart, and what I should do and what I wanted to do. I felt I should stay because of her, and I thought I should go because of her motivating me to do so. This week we were able to have a conversation about our friendship and we decided it was best for it to not be more than just a friendship. It was kind of dissapointing, but at the same time it was really freeing. I no longer felt pulled to stay because of her.
Life is very predictable for me right now. I know what every day is going to bring and I'm riding along peacefully in my comfort zone. I know that I work Monday through Friday from 7:00 to 3:30. I go to Grand Rapids on Monday to play soccer with Erin and Maria, I play basketball and go to Mass and confession on Tuesdays, I play sports with friends from St. Thomas Aquinas on Wednesday, every other Thursday I volunteer at the Mother Teresa house, and I spend my Friday evening and Saturday and Sunday with friends and family. It's a good life and I love it, so it's tough to step outside of predictability and forge ahead into the unknown.
Thanks to my job I have everything I could ever want when it comes to material things. I'm not rich, and I don't have all that much stuff, but I have what I need to live a comfortable life and I have lots of things I don't need that I enjoy. I know that I've grown an unhealthy attachment to the things in my life and going away to college and going back to the simple life would help cure me of that. I know it'll be tough at first, but it would be totally worth it.
This Weeks Reasons To Stay
My house (maybe)
Jill and Heidi
Volunteering at the Mother Teresa House
This Weeks Reasons To Go
Everything from last week, and more
Saturday, July 7, 2007
A Short Introduction
I'm not creating this blog for anyone other than myself. If other people eventually read it then I hope they are inspired by it, although I think I may be giving myself to much credit to think that anyone would be inspired by me.
I'm currently discerning whether or not God is calling me to make a major life change or not right now. Right now I'm 25, I graduated from Michigan State University just over a year and a half ago with a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science and I've been working full time at a good and stable programming job since. I live around my family and I have so many awesome friends. I'm busy every single night of the week hanging out with people and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. I bought a house which I love, my job is low stress with good hours, good pay, good benefits, good retirement plan, etc. It's everything I could ever want in a programming job and if I program for the rest of my career then I'll probably stick around for the next 40 years of my life.
The thing is, I don't think that is what God has planned for my life and I'm currently deciding whether or not I should go back to school this fall and give up my job, friends, house, living by my family, and any other comforts that my currently stable life offers.
This blog is a way for me to journal my thoughts and whatever ends up happening in my life due to my decision. I have about two weeks to make the decision, so there's no pressure! ;-)
For now, I'm off to Saturday morning Confession followed by Mass. Praying about things is the most important thing for me to do right now.
I'm currently discerning whether or not God is calling me to make a major life change or not right now. Right now I'm 25, I graduated from Michigan State University just over a year and a half ago with a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science and I've been working full time at a good and stable programming job since. I live around my family and I have so many awesome friends. I'm busy every single night of the week hanging out with people and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. I bought a house which I love, my job is low stress with good hours, good pay, good benefits, good retirement plan, etc. It's everything I could ever want in a programming job and if I program for the rest of my career then I'll probably stick around for the next 40 years of my life.
The thing is, I don't think that is what God has planned for my life and I'm currently deciding whether or not I should go back to school this fall and give up my job, friends, house, living by my family, and any other comforts that my currently stable life offers.
This blog is a way for me to journal my thoughts and whatever ends up happening in my life due to my decision. I have about two weeks to make the decision, so there's no pressure! ;-)
For now, I'm off to Saturday morning Confession followed by Mass. Praying about things is the most important thing for me to do right now.
Be Satisfied With Me
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want;
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you could dream of
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
~ St. Anthony of Padua ~
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want;
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you could dream of
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
~ St. Anthony of Padua ~
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