A Letter To Maria

Maria,

I want to thank you for helping me to make the decision to go back to school. I know that we've only known each other for a short time, but you inspired me more than anyone else did. God really used you to push me in the right direction even if you had no idea that you were helping.

During our late night talk in West Virginia, you told me how strongly you felt that I should try to make the most out of my life and that if I wasn't happy working as a programmer that I should do something about it. I respected you enough at that point that I listened to you and was inspired to do something. As soon as I arrived home I started working on my application. I know you were a late addition to the rafting trip, and I'll never doubt that part of the reason you were on the trip was to give me that extra push that I needed to do what God was askign of me.

Of course it wasn't too long after I put in my application that I decided that I was too attached to my house, friends, family, and comfortable life to actually go back to school. Guess who came to the rescue again?

I just happened to go camping that weekend and tell you that I decided to stay at work. You listened to me but you didn't say anything and I could tell you were dissapointed. As I've said before, I had lost the little bit of interest I had in you between the rafting trip and the camping trip. Staying up and talking with you all night started to get me interested in you again and actually gave me more reason to stay. At the same time, I remembered what you said on our rafting trip and I was getting inspired to go back to school again. I was becoming torn, and it was all thanks to you!

Had this been any other time in my life, I never would have pulled you aside to tell you that I was somewhat interested in you and to find out how you felt about me. I've always taken A LOT more time to get to know someone, but I didn't know when I'd have the chance to talk to you alone again, and I knew I didn't have all that long before I had to make a decision. Whether you were interested in me or not was going to factor into my decision to stay or go and I felt like the sooner I knew, the better off we would both be. I apologize for coming on so strong and putting you in that situation. It did help me to know the answer, but I know I caught you off guard and put you in an uncomfortable position.

I was really torn about what I was goiung to do during the early part of the next week, although I felt more like God was pushing me towards school when he shut the door on any possibility of us having more than a friendship. And then you called me on Wednesday to clarify what you said on Saturday and you completely confused me. I knew what you meant, so I didn't take it was if the door was opened again, but I knew it wasn't shut completely and I was trying to figure out what God was telling me.

That Friday was when you and Erin came to Heidi's bonfire. I'm really glad that we had a chance to talk during the end of the night because once again you let me know how you felt about me going back to school, you gave me some logical reasons, and you challenged me to stop waiting for everything to fall in place and to take a chance. I used to be willing to take chances a lot, but working for the last year and a half and having the same weekly routine with work and friends allowed me to slip into a comfort zone and become lazy and less willing to take chances. I didn't realize I had become like that until you said something about it, and I'm grateful to you for doing so because I never watn to be content with staying inside my comfort zone. The last thing that really helped me that night was when you told me that you just felt like I should go. Neither of us knew it at the time, but the next day I would be talking to Jill and out of nowhere she would say the same thing. I felt the same way, but I needed to hear it from both of you.

I was getting closer and closer to deciding that I should go back to school over the weekend and I was able to start detaching myself from friends and material things and surrender it all to God. There were still a few things that I was torn about though. I had been praying about our friendship since West Virginia and I told God that I realy needed Him to make it clear to me what He wanted for our friendship. That Tuesday before the 4th of July we had a chance to talk and for you to let me know where you were at. This sounds silly to you I'm sure, but you were the last attachment I needed to break away from before I could make the decision to go away to school, and our conversation took care of that. It was just a few days alter that I decided for sure that I was heading back to school.

I really feel as if God used our friendship to help me head in the right direction, so thank you for helping to inspire me to make a major life change. I don't know if I'd be going back to school if we hadn't met on the rafting trip. You've made quite the impact on my life even though we just met.

When we were taking 'the walk' in West Virginia, you warned me that when you're around your friends that you feel comfortable with, you are very sarcastic and negative when you relate to them. I had seen that side of you a little bit before, but it came through full force this week at soccer and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't like what I saw.

It's fine if you aren't the 'sweet and humble' Maria that Heidi and I thought you were for the first part of the rafting trip. It's good that you are fiesty and that you have a strong personality. I'm glad you're tough and independant, that you aren't girly, and I don't expect you to be perfect. But last night you described yourself as being a bitch, and you seemed resigned to stay that way because 'that's just me'.

I don't buy that for a second. That may be HOW you are, but that's not WHO you are, and it's certainly not who God made you to be. You know as well as I do that we are called to be Christ to the world and to preach the Gospel through our words ad actions. Constantly relating to others with a negative sarcasm will never cause someone to look at you and say 'Maria has something that I'm missing from my life, and I want to be more like her'. Instead people are going to be left with hurt feelings, whether they show it or not. You have the characteristics of a leader and you could be great at building people up, helping their self esteem, and helping them see their value in life and reach their potential.

First you have to reach your own potential, and you aren't there now.

If I had seen the sarcastic and negative side of you before I saw all of your good characteristics then I wouldn't have taken our conversations to heart, and I wouldn't be writing this letter and thanking you for making a difference in my life.

I'll repeat and expand on what I told you right before we said goodnight after our talk in West Virginia: Take this as if it's coming from a brother; you have a beautiful heart and God has a great plan for you. Keep trusting in Him and He'll lead you. You are a beautiful woman with a lot of potential. Don't let your habit of relating in a sarcastic and negative way keep you from reaching your potential. I've met a lot of women and I see something very special in you. When I look at you I see a strong woman who is intelligent, reflective, a great listener, has charisma, is a good leader, and is devoted to loving God. Don't hide those qualities from the rest of the world. We need more pople like you to shine through and be an example to others.

While we were waiting for Heidi and Jon to quit talking on Monday after soccer, you were asking about Jeff and I living together and you found out that we didn't actually life together. You turned away from us and hung your head and said "I guess I can't trust anyone". I really think that you were hurt, but that it was more that you'd been hurt by some other people lately and that this was just one more thing where you felt like you couldn't trust someone. If that's the case then I'm very sorry for giving you the idea that we were roommates and I'm sorry for hurting you. I really couldn't read you that night and I thought if I asked if you were actually hurt that you wouldn't admit to it anyway....plus you started a staring contest when I sat down to make sure you were okay so you deflected the attention away from you being hurt. I have a feeling you do that a lot; you're a tough girl and I don't think you want anyone to realize when you're hurting.

On a completely different note, I would really like to get together to show you the Rafting video that I've been working on and to hang out and talk some evening before I head down to Steubenville and am never seen again. I don't know if this needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway: I see you as a friend and as my sister in Christ. Anything that I'm saying or doing will because I'm trying to be a good friend and there aren't any other intentions behind my actions.

I'll give you a call in a week or two to see if you're interested in getting together. God bless you, and you'll be in my prayers.

Your friend,
Jonathan