The St. Raphael And St. Micheal Letter

September 21, 2007

Dearest Jonathan,

Strange for me to think that just over a month ago, I was completely single, unattached. Concerned primarily with, well, myself! Not in a bad way, it was where I was supposed to be. Seeking God's will in my life, enjoying being single, focusing on work, enjoying summer, playing soccer, line dancing, going to the beach, trying to become the best I could be in my present situation. And I did enjoy it. It was a special time for me in life. And I still enjoy all of those things and expect them to continue, to be part of my life (except the part about being single, of course!).

But my whole life has changed since we've been dating. Not so much in activity, but rather, in purpose. For, apart from talking and spending time with you, my day to day activities haven't really changed, and yet, everything seems so different!

I guess it's because I've changed. I'm different, and that's not bad. In fact it's very good! I've chosen this. I want this. I have no regrets. And yet, the fact that I may never be single again is a bit difficult for me to grasp! Really, singleness is all I've ever known! I've never had a boyfriend before! Never been in a real relationship.

Sure, I've had plenty of unhealthy situations and attachments, but, yeah, this is way different. Way better, but completely new territory for me! And realizing all that this relationship is and all that it may one day become is, in a certain sense, very frightening! Not frightening in the sense of an overwhelming fear, but rather, an awe and respectful reverence for the mystery in which we find ourselves. Getting to know one another, discovering one another. Letting ourselves be known to each other. In a sense, being completely naked. And hopefully, as it was in Genesis, "naked without shame".

And that's why I have no desire to hold anything back from you or hide anything from you, as far as it is appropriate to the present state of our relationship.

Jonathan, I wish I could better put into words all my thoughts and feelings. I fell so close to you. I feel united with you. I feel a bond and connection so real that it is not affected by time or distance. Hmm, and to think, this is still the very beginning!

Well, my love, I hope you had a beautiful time in West Virginia. I long to be with you, in such a beautiful place. Someday...

You're in my thoughts and prayers! I'm sending a hug and a kiss (don't worry, it's a very short kiss!)

Yours in Christ,
Love Always,
Maria Therese

PS: Jonathan, I love and respect you with all my heart. After reading the booklet about St. Raphael that I've included, I think you'll understand why I love him so much. I think he brought us together. I've been praying to him - I hope you like the little pocket token of St. Joseph, too! I love you!

August And September Text Messages

August 31 5:56PM
Maria: You've been in mine all day as well. And wow have I been smiling a lot today!

September 1 2:52PM
Maria: Vball was great. Finally used tv. Keep an eye on your mailbox ;-) looking forward to talking tomorrow!

September , 11:58PM
Maria: I don't really think you're boastful.

September 7, 12:11AM
Maria: I got it, thank you so much. No more slappign I promise. Goodnight!

September 8, 1:12PM
Maria: Perfect timing! Lunch break. Last night was good. Stars were beautiful at 3AM! Have an awesome day, in my thoughts as well.

September 10, 5:02AM
Maria: I'm happy to be your girl! And so thankful that God has blessed me with a man as wonderful as you!

September 10, 6:46PM
Maria: You're the best! Thank you so much for the honest and heartfelt letter and cd. I can't wait to listen to it!

September 11, 12:44AM
Your love and forgiveness are so much better than momentary emotions any day! Thank you for bringing Christ's love to me.

September 11, 5:50PM
Maria: I'm thinking we need to wrstle tonight. Are you up for it tonight, around 9 or 9:30?

September 11, 6:10PM
Maria: Bring it on baby!

September 11, 7:18PM
Maria: I think tonight we should pray at the beginning of our patient and understanding conversation!

September 13, 11:18PM
Maria: Less than two days! I'm getting very excited! And I really like texting! I'm so glad you're my man!

September 14, 12:26AM
Jonathan: I've been super excited ever since I got off the phone with you. I got home and showed ur pic 2 everyone & told them about seeing u in 2 days!

September 14, 12:29AM
Maria: Have an awesome day tomorrow! Goodnight and God bless!

September 14, 2:05AM
Jonathan: 11 hours until I leave! Im off to bed for now. Have a great day tomorrow! May God bless you, my beautiful girlfriend! :-)

September 14, 8:58AM
Jonathan: Your parents must really need prayers! Will fill you in later. Have a wonderful morning!

September 14, 1:16PM
Maria: Drive safely, I'm looking forward to seeing you!

September 15, 9:18AM
Jonathan: I'm headed out to see you! I decided that only wanted to hear your voice in person today, hence the txt message. See you in 45 mins to an hour!

September 17, 9:13AM
Jonathan: Thank you for talking to me for most of the ride home-it went by fast! & thank you for caring enough about me that you were worried about me getting home safely

September 17, 1:17PM
Maria: I love you! I'm looking forward to talking tonight.

September 18, 12:34AM
Maria: I am sooo thankful for you. Buenas noches.

September 18, 12:59PM
Maria: I am a better person because of you. Thank you for all your prayers, patience and support.

September 18, 1:07PM
Jonathan: Thank you-it is Gods grace working in my life that allows me to help you draw closer to Him. Ive spent the day agonizing over how I dont deserve you and trying to figure out how I can make myself into a better man-one worthy of your heart.

September 20, 2:03AM
Maria: It takes a lot of courage to admit to our struggles! You are still just as strong in my eyes!

September 20, 12:29PM
Maria: Mm I smell like you! I'll explain later! I'm very at peace and content-hope u r 2! Luv u, babe!

September 20, 12:43PM
Jonathan: !Buenas tarde senorita Maria! Hope your day is going as well as mine. I rly enjoyed talking w. U last night! You r such an amazing gift to me. Te hablo a luego. PS: I know that last sentence was awful.

September 20, 1:18PM
Maria: I love you soooo much!

September 21, 1:51AM
Jonathan: Haha! Best voicemail ever! ...So you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water(silence)that was the sound of me drinking my water. Classic! I love you.

September 21, 12:46PM
Maria: I never get tired of hearing u tell me u love me. Thanks for the calls. I love u and miss u!

September 21, 12:56PM
Jonathan: Doing anything over lunch? You can call if not.

September 22, 3:04AM
Jonathan: Wow-It was a crazy night! It was hard to not drink with my buddies but Im so glad I didnt. i just spent an hour talking 2 Jon and he is a mess. Thx 4 praying

September 22, 1:39PM
Jonathan: You'll be excited to know that I was able to read all of Tobit today! So far the day is goign really well. We are 2 hours from the river right now. I love you!

September 22, 6:37PM
Maria: I love you! Thank you for believing in me!

September 22, 6:56PM
Jonathan: Im at Pies and Pints and wishing you were with me! Have a great time line dancing with your family. I love you and Im so glad ur my girlfriend!

September 22, 9:11PM
Maria: Hi sweetie! I'm on my way to line dancing and thinking about u! U r the one for me, Babe! Luv u!

September 22, 10:58PM
Jonathan: Thank you for all of your prayers and for helping me to always strive to be a better man!

September 23, 3:13PM
Maria: Im glad u r safe! Looking forward to talking later! Love you!

September 24, 12:07AM
Jonathan: I really want 2 talk but I don't have the heart to call again and wake you. Call if ur up, otherwise have an awesome day in Chicago! I love you!

September 24, 9:08AM
Maria: Hi darling! I successfully went to the bathroom on the train!

September 24 9:10AM
Maria: Thanks for the wake up call this morning!

September 24, 9:12AM
Maria: My heart is yours! I love you so much! You are amazing!

September 24, 9:28AM
Jonathan: Im proud of you for using the bathroom on the train! U go girl! Have a great time 2day-you r in my thoughts and prayers. Thx 4 the txt messages. I love my girl!

September 24, 6:57PM
Jonathan: I want to be with you so badly right now!

September 24, 7:01PM
Maria: Well, bathroom experience not quite as successful so far! We'll see! Cant wait to talk to u! Love u!

September 24, 7:04PM
Maria: The feeling is mutual!

September 24, 7:06PM
Jonathan: I have faith in you that you can pee. You can do it!!!! Yay Maria, let it flow :-)

September 24, 7:24PM
Maria: Wow! My own personal bathroom anxiety cheerleader! We'll see what I can do.

September 24, 9:08PM
Maria: So there is a great beatles song: i wanna hold your hand. U r prbly not surprised that i like that 1!

September 24, 11:23PM
I like the Beatles song, but I wrote my own called 'I Want To Talk To My Girl' I like it better. Hope your safe!

September 25, 11:22AM
Jonathan: I realyl want 2 tell u how amazing I think you are, but your VM is full. also we need an intention 2day. Lets pray 4 David & Morgan. I love you!

September 25, 2:00PM
Jonathan: I'm available for the rest of the day so feel free to call whenever!

September 26, 2:29AM
Maria: 5.5 hours we've officially beat our record!

September 2, 8:02AM
Jonathan: And yet I wish we had more than 5.5 hours to talk. I love talking to you and I love you! Please pray for my test.

September 26, 8:22AM
Maria: You can do it, Sweetie! I believe in you! I love you too.

September 26, 9:00PM
Jonathan: Are you doing anything tonight or are you free 2 talk whenever?

September 27, 4:03AM
Jonathan: Im sorry 4 complaining so much and being so tired and stressed. I feel like such a bad boyfriend. Im glad we talked. I love you and trust in you.

September 27, 4:29AM
Maria: I hope u r getting some sleep! Thanks for the message. I love you and i DO trust you too.

September 27, 11:14AM
Jonathan: Thank you 4 the email, it aws good to hear. Would you be available to talk aroudn 200? I wont keep you 4 long. Have a great day. I love you

September 27, 11:49AM
Jonathan: I told u last night that I wasnt going to go to Mass today cause of school and lack of sleep. Thats not true and Im sorry 4 saying it. Ill be going

September 27, 1:35PM
Maria: I should be available at two or shortly after, I'll ttyl.

September 27, 4:45PM
Jonathan: I dont know if Ill hear from you tonight and I didnt get a chance to thank you for the letter, or St Raphael book, or St Joseph Medal. They all meant a lot to me

September 27, 5:21PM
Maria: U r welcome-I meant what i wrote and I'd like to call around nine if that is okay

September 27, 5:24PM
Jonathan: Ill look forawrd to talking then. Not sure Id sleep 2night if we didn't talk. Well get u 2 bed at a good hour :-)

Voicemail Quotes From Last Week

Maria left me a voicemail last week that left me rolling on the floor. I thought I'd post some of the best quotes from it:

"I can have a more...better...one. Yeah, a more better one."

"Maybe people broke into your appartment and abducted you and are now forcing you to smoke some hookah in the basement."

"I don't know what else to say, so you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water (silence) that was the sound of me drinking my water."

"I'm going to regret leaving this voice message, I think."

A Quick Update

Life has been so busy lately that I haven't had the time to write about it. I really need to make it a priority, and I'm going to try and do better. There's been a lot of really great things, as well as really tough things, that have happened over the last week and a half since I've arrived back at school. I wish I had the time to go into more detail, but for now a brief overview will have to do.

Almost two weeks ago I decided to give up alcohol for a while. My next drink will be the toast at the wedding I'm going to in mid October. It was hard at first to not drink when I went to parties or out with people, but I'm getting used to it now and I'm glad I'm taking a break from it. It's actually a lot easier than I imagined it would be.

I spent last weekend down in Fayetteville, WV camping and white water rafting. My friend Steve is getting married in three weeks (The next time I get to see Maria!) and he wanted to go white water rafting for his bachelor party. He came down with a bunch of my buddies from Lansing and we had a really good time. It's a different going to a bachelor party and staying completely sober when everyone else is drinking, but if nothing else it gave me a different perspective on drinking.

Things between Maria and I are still going really well. We make sure to talk every night and I feel very satisfied with where we are at right now. The distance is hard, and always will be, but our hearts are growing closer and that's what matters. I've really been able to grow a lot as a person while we've been together - partly because of her and partly because of the environment I'm living in right now. She's definitely a very special girl and there's a lot of potential for our relationship; she's a big blessing to me.

I've had tests in four of my six classes so far and received grades on three of those tests. I'm getting an A in all three of those classes so far (Intro to Psych, Spanish, Foundations of Catholicism) and I'm hoping for a B in Biology, which I just took today. I have tests in the other two classes coming up at the end of this week and the beginning of next week. I've definitely been plenty busy studying lately!

Life is treating me very well overall and I'm still very thankful that I took the risk to go back to school and to leave Auto-Owners behind. I just can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I was still there and spending my days wishing I was doing something else.

Photograph

"Every memory of looking out the back door
I have a photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
its hard to say it,
it's time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye"

-Nickelback (Photograph)

September 18, 2007

Dear Jonathan,

When I got home from work today, I looked through a bunch of photos from my life before I had met you. Pictures of my family and friends, pictures of trips I've taken. Looking through pictures always stirs up a wide range of emotions. Well, I guess it's mostly bittersweet feelings!

I'm so happy and thankful for the good times and friends I've had, and yet, looking at photos reminds me that those times are over, gone, finished. Everyone has changed. Now, of course, that's not really a bad thing at all. It means people have grown, moved forward with their lives, and most of the people I still have contact with.

Anyway, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." And I'm very excited about this new beginning of our relationship! I can't wait to start making new memories with you! I'm looking forward to spending time with you, dancing with you, praying with you, laughing with you, sharing (yup, I said sharing!) with you, learning about you, growing with you, playing air hockey and any other games with you, going to the beach with you, just being outside with you, walking with you, running (well, you'll still be walking) with you, travelling with you, overcoming challenges with you, hoping and dreaming with you. And of course having plenty of pictures of all of it!

All that being said, I do hope sometime I can show you all the pictures I was looking at today, tell you about the people in them, the experiences I had, for they have all been so important in influencing who I am today, and are very much a part of me. I'm also looking forward to you meeting more of my family and friends. And I look forward to meeting yours, to learning more about you, the people and experiences that have helped make you who you are today. Maybe you have some photos from your past you could show me sometime?

I love and respect you so much!

Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese
(Maite)

An Old Letter From Maria 8-24-2007

August 24, 2007

Dear Jonathan,

Hi! How are you? I'm doing pretty well, settling back down into my usual routines and activities after the roller coaster ride I feel like I've been on lately! My friend Anthony and I are going to hang out tomorrow. He has been a really good friend and we haev a lot of fun together. I'm looking forward to it, but I can't help but wish that I was able to be hanging out with you :-(

Still, I'm so excited for you as you begin this school year and I aws happy to hear taht you've already been meeting people and thinking about different activities that you want to get involved in! I hoep this year is incredible and I'm so glad you're determined to make the most out of this opportunity! I still hope we'll be able to hang out when you come home!

God bless you always,
Maria Therese

Estoy Enamorado

Ella es mi Maite
Tiene todo mi corazon
Te quiero Maria
Te quiero mi amor

No hay nada como volver a casa

I had an awesome time with Maria this weekend. It was good to see her, it was necessary to see her. I was already at peace with our relationship before spending the weekend with her, but I'm even more sure about it after being with her.

I cherished every second that we were together and it was very hard to leave at the end of the weekend. There may be a six hour drive between us but I wouldn't want to be dating anyone else.

Home Free!

I survived my first two tests and I feel like I did really well. I spent the afternoon trying to get caught up on Spanish homework before I head home for the weekend. I just have two classes tomorrow and then I'm heading to Lansing. I'm planning on meeting up with Jeff and Stephen for dinner and then getting together with Heidi for a quick drink before I head to my parents house to get some sleep. It's going to be strange sleeping there rather than in my old house. It certainly won't feel like home; my home is in Steubenville. Or, if you want to get poetic than my home is in Grand Rapids with Maria, where my heart is.

I'm not heading to Lansing to hang out with people though, it's just a stop along the way to my ultimate goal. I'll be taking off early on Saturday morning and heading out to Grand Rapids and I'm going to get to see Maria for the first time since we started dating. Yeah, it still seems crazy that we started dating AFTER I left town, but I'm glad that we are.

We've had a chance to talk almost every day and I'm content with how things are going. I would love to share a lot more of my life with her, but that's not possible right now and I'm okay with that - at least for the next 36 hours. I actually think that it's going to get harder after this weekend. We are at least somewhat used to not seeing each other right now and only having the phone to communicate. After spending two days with her I know that I'm going to have a much harder time being away.

For now I have the weekend to look forward.

Don't Give Up On Love

Our society as a whole has a problem - we've forgotten how to love. Maybe some people have never learned.

I just found out that a guy I know is getting a divorce after only being married for nine months. What's the reason for it? His wife just decided one day that she didn't FEEL like being married anymore and that she enjoyed being single more, so she's going to back to that life style.

I was blown away because I've heard that exact reason before. I'm sure that "I only have one life to live, and I need to make the most of it. I have to do what's right for ME" was said to him on more than one occasion. That statement just seems to follow right behind that reason wherever it goes.

Nine months? She must really have thought that marriage was all about the fairy tale happy ending. Heck, they barely have been together long enough to have had a baby if they became pregnant right away!

The thing is, I feel just as badly for her as I do for the guy. What sort of life does she have ahead of her if she can't commit, if she can't love? She'll spend her life searching for what she already could have had, yet will never find unless SHE changes.

Don't Give Up - Sanctus Real

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up
Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you
Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away

Maite

I forgot to post this earlier this week, which is funny because my entire manor changed last night. Here it is anyway:


Sep. 10th, 2007
The more that I learn about her the more special I realize this is. I've dated a few girls in my time and been friends with a lot of other ones and I've NEVER had anything like this.

This post is all coming from a logical point of view. If I was writing about how I was actually feeling right now I'd be off the charts. Words just won't do it justice. She's a special woman and we have something good going on.

I CANNOT wait to see her this weekend.

Reality Check

I expected going back to school to be all about partying and having a good time (not really) but tomorrow that all changes because I have my first two tests of the semester. I've been busily studying all day and I feel pretty good about them. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Once two o'clock comes I'll be a free man and I'll just have to make it through two easy classes on Friday before I head home and get to see Maria. I'm REALLY looking forward to that.

Being Me Sucks

Whenever things get good it's just a warning to let you know that things are about to get bad again.

Maria and I have been struggling through the whole distance thing and having a new relationship. The last two nights on the phone have been less than fun. We finally worked out what was bothering her by the end of our conversation tonight and she felt good by the time we got off of the phone.

I felt like shit.

I have this issue where even though I know I'm a very likable person and now and then I have enough self esteem to see the value in myself, I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm not capable of being loved.

Most of my experience in life has shown me that people don't actually love me. They just like me for what I can do for them, and when things get hard they turn their back on me. As far as who I really am as a person? No body gives a damn.

Maybe Maria will be the first person to eventually let me know I'm loved, but right now I feel like she's just riding on emotions. I hope not, I don't know if I can take another heartbreak.

True Beauty

September 6, 2007

Dear Jonathan,

Hi! So this would technically be the first letter from your girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I understand why your brother and your dad didn't really like using the word "girlfriend". Not that there's anything wrong with the word itself, or its true meaning, and besides, others wouldn't understand if we didn't use those terms, it's just that our society and culture have so distorted everything about relationships, making them seem like a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is just something to get, something to have, a trophy, a security, something to use.

But that is not the case for us, or any real relationship, whatever it may be. Nor do I ever want it to be.

When we spoke on the phone last night, something in particular struck me from the email your mother sent you. She said how beautiful it is that God has blessed you with me for your faithfulness.

Oh Jonathan, I DO want to be a blessing to you. In the past, I've done a lot of thinking and writing about the things I want in a man. But now I'm thinking more about who I want to be as a woman.

At first I thought of endless things I wanted to be, strong, gentle, loving, respectful, helpful, encouraging, uplifting, honest, joyful, peaceful, faithful...I could go on. And then I realized that all those things and more can be summed up in my desire (and I believe the true desire of all women) to be beautiful.

And I'm not speaking simply of outward beauty, though that definitely has its place. But rather an all-encompassing beauty. I want to be beautiful. In my heart, in my mind, in my words, in my actions. I want to become all that God intends for me to be. I want to be a blessing to all. A blessing to you.

And where does all this lead except back to the simple truth of God's plan for his children from the beginning! For He is the source, He is all Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. And only by being filled with God can I hope to bring truth, beauty, and goodness to others.

So, my prayer for us today and always is that we always strive to know God's love, to be completely filled with it, to each do God's will, and then to have complete trust that by doing that, we truly will be the greatest blessing to each other.

Wow! I never know quite what to expect once I start writing!

I hope everything is going well for you at school. I'm so proud of you for whole-heartedly seeking God's will in all aspects of your life. For all the risks you've had to take, for trusting God so much that you left everything and moved forward though you couldn't see what was ahead.

Your trust in God inspires trust in me. It inspires my trust in God, yes, but also trust in you. I trust you, Jonathan. Thank you so much for being worthy of my trust. Thank you for being a blessing to me!

Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese

Do You Know How To Touch A Girl?

Do you know how to touch a girl?
If you want me so much
First I have to know
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?

-Jojo

Maria read me a few short selections from her prayer journal this evening and when we were about to get off of the phone I thanked her for it. It really helped me to respect her that much more as a woman of God and as my sister in Christ. I expressed how I felt like I didn't deserve for God to bring her into my life and that I want that much more to help her grow in holiness and draw closer to Him. I wasn't just saying that to sweet talk her; I really meant it from the depths of my heart.

At first there was silence, and a sniffle. "Thanks for sharing that with me. You're the type of guy that I've always wanted."

Everytime I talk with her we draw closer to each other. Tonight she shared with me about her 'friend' Phil and her four years of liking him and how that affected her. She told me a story from last night where she was talking to a guy she knew after Mass, a family she knew came up and assumed they were dating and asked them to go out to dinner last night. She accepted, and the guy ended up asking her out to dinner the next night in front of the family. She said yes because she didn't want things to get wierd last night, and later told him no when he dropped her off that night because it wouldn't be appropriate since her and I are seeing each other.

She had sent me a text message last night to let me know that she was Salsa dancing and that she wished I was there to dance with her. Salsa dancing is my thing, and I love it. I had been thinking about wanting to go with her just earlier on Saturday and when I heard about her going I ended up feeling quite jealous and having to work through those feelings last night and today. I didn't want to feel that way because I want her to be able to enjoy living her life and I really didn't want to share how I felt with her because I thought I was being stupid. She encouraged me to share how I felt with her and I eventually did. I'm very glad I did, it just brought us that much closer together.

Later on we talked about how we both are the type of people who will quickly give up ourselves and who we are for someone else. I've given up all my interestes in past relationships, and it never ends well. We'll be praying hard that we can keep from doing that. I really want her to keep being Maria and she really wants me to keep being Jonathan. Loving each other by allowing each of us to be free to be ourselves is so much better than trying to grasp at the other person and slowly choking the life out of them.

We also pray every night before we get off of the phone together, and each day we have a special intention that we both pray for and offer up all of our day for. God's really blessed us with each other, there's nothing I've ever done to deserve her.

She's very special to me and we are headed down the right road so far. I hope and PRAY that it continues.

Highlights From Irish Fest

I spent my Saturday evening in Pittsburgh at 'Irish Fest' and had a blast. I drove and Ricardo, Devon, and Stephanie road with me. We went down with three other cars of people but the four of us spent most of the evening together. There were some VERY memorable moments from the evening:

-Starting out in a bad mood because I spent the day reading about Sigmund Freud

-Eating bangers and mashed!

-Asking Patrick how his girlfriend was, only to find out they broke up the day after I met her

-Rocking out in the third row to Gaelic Storm

-Driving around Pittsburgh in circles (seriously - we passed the same building FOUR times) for an hour trying to get to Mullaney's Harp and Fiddle Pub because Devon was our navigator and was too tired to remember where we were going

-Making two illegal U-turns in downtown Pittsburgh while trying to find the bar

-Devon calling her brother to find out where to go while we were waiting for a light to turn green, only to have Ricardo spot the sign right in front of us

-Parallel parking in under 10 seconds

-Learning that Michigan lost 39-7 to Oregon and is now 0-2 on the season

-Seeing the members of Gaelic Storm show up at the bar we went to

-The 'older' lady who had too much to drink and was wandering around Mullaney's and rocking out to the band

-The fiddler in the band at Mullaney's. He was Indian and he told everyone he had to leave early because he was opening at 7-11 the next morning. "Thank you, come again!"

-Going in reverse (The wrong way AND backwards at the same time) down a major highway because I passed up yet another exit and I was tired of doing U-turns

-Another illegal U-turn in Robinson

-Getting a text message from Maria saying that she was Salsa dancing and wished I was there with her; If only she knew how badly I wished I was there too

-Driving around Steubenville for half an hour trying to find a place that we could eat at

-Settling for Chicken Nuggets at McDonalds at 2:00 in the morning because I tried to order a hamburger and they don't serve hamburgers at that time of night. It's freaking McDonalds. It exists BECAUSE of the hamburger and you can't order it? It's not like they were serving breakfast food yet. Unbelievable!

-Eating on the trunk of Devon's car because Ricardo, Devon, and I all went through the McDonald's drive through in separate vehicles

-Ricardo had to settle for Chicken Nuggets because he couldn't get a hamburger either

-Not being able to share any of my evening with the person I most wanted to

A Package For Maria (September 8, 2007)

Maria,

I've been listening to a lot of music while I've been doing homework as well as when I've been thinking bout you. I thought I'd send you a CD of a few of my favorite songs - all of which remind me of you. I wanted to let you know why each song is on the CD, and you can find that below.

1) Faking My Own Suicide - Relient K
I thought this was a great song to put first because it makes me think of the summer when I wanted for you to like me, but couldn't get you to do so. Luckily all I had to do was go away to school and I didn't have to go to the extreme that the song talks about!

2) Miss Independent - Kelly Clarkson
This song makes me think of you because over the summer you definitely showed me that you had a very independent attitude and there seemed to be walls up around your heart due to being hurt. The song talks about the change this girl goes through, and I saw that same sort of change occur in you during the last month.

3) Going Away To College - Blink 182
I've liked this song since I first went away to college, but i never had any real meaning in my life until now. I think it describes how each of us were feeling over the last two weeks before we talked about our friendship. It's a song about worrying that you've been forgotten.

4) I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders
If I could have only sent one song then this would have been it. The lyrics tell the rest of the story.

5) Hey There Delilah (Maria) - Plain White T's
This is one of the most popular songs on the radio right now and it deals with two people who are at a distance from each other, yet their hearts are still together. There are hopes and dreams for the future; It's a very bitter sweet song.

6) Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard
A great song about missing someone and reminiscing about the summer

7) When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
Hopefully you like this song as much as I do

8) I'm Taking You With Me - Relient K
If only I could.

9) A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton
Another great song about missing someone who is a great distance away

10) Must Have Done Something Right - Relient K
Yes, this is the third Relient K song on this CD. That's okay! "I'm racking my brain for a new improved way to let you know you're more to me than what I know how to say."

11) Someday - Larue
I've been listening to this song for almost ten years now. You probably have never heard it, but it's a great song and I think you'll like it.

12) My Maria - Brooks and Dunn
Why? It's your 'favourite' song!

13) Hopefully you'll enjoy these songs. Let me now what you think!

You're in my thoughts and prayers always,
Jonathan

A Letter To Maria (September 7, 2007)

Maria,

Last night we talked briefly about Kathleen and you questioned whether I had wanted to, or felt like I should be free to pursue a girl at school rather than starting a long distance relationship with you.

When I was discerning what we should do with our friendship I did give that option plenty of consideration. There was already some potential between Kathleen and I and I thought about taking the time to see where that went. I also knew that if nothing happened between her and I that it was only a matter of time before I met a girl at Franciscan that I would click with. I have enough self-awareness and confidence in myself to know that it's easy for me to meet girls and for the most part they end up liking me - or at least they like the idea of who they think I am. (You were a lot harder to win over, but I'm thankful for that) I know that if I hadn't already met someone down here in Kathleen that there was plenty of hope for meeting a girl on campus in the future.

There is all this potential around me, yet when it came time to choose I didn't leave the option open to met someone down here.

Why? Not a single girl on campus is Maria Therese Shaheen. None of them are YOU.

You are special to me and it was very easy to choose you. I have never enjoyed talking to a woman as much as I enjoy talking to you and I really believe that our friendship is special and that you are a gift from God. I am very thankful; that you are in my life and that I can call you my girlfriend. That's an honor that I never thought I'd have.

I am attracted to you first and foremost because of who you are; your heart, mind, and soul. You are a woman of God, an excellent listener, fun to listen to, you have a wonderful heart and a great personality. You are also a very beautiful woman. I love your smile, your pretty eyes, your long hair, and your beautiful face. I am very much looking forward to being with you and seeing you again. It's going to be an awesome weekend!

Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan

Dear God, Thank You For My Cell Phone

Maria and I make sure to talk everyday to stay in touch. She called tonight around 9:00 and I figured we'd talk for an hour or two and then I could get back to homework.

5 hours and 20 minutes later we finally decided to get off the phone and get some sleep. It looks like I'll be studying tomorrow instead of tonight.

Best moment of the night:

Maria: "That really means a lot to me and makes me feel good to hear you say that." -pause- "Hey, I just thought of another guy I didn't mention earlier!"
Jonathan: "How to ruin a moment lesson one: Bring up another member of the opposite sex when sharing a special moment with your significant other. Always a good call!"

It's All About Being Able To Depend

My roommate just threw a pair of depends at my face. My response was to put them on over my shorts and head downstairs to show his sister Andrea.

Andrea: "Sick!".

Brett and I decided we are going to wear them over our shorts to our Anatomy class when we start learning about the urinary tract and let the class know that we both realized we had a problem with bladder control.

It's going to be sweet.

Crime Scene

My friend Mario lives two houses down from my apartments and he had a party at his place last Saturday night that I went to.

I walked over this evening to meet him and Devan to head out to Applebees and I kind of noticed that his neighbors yard had yellow tape surrounding it. I didn't think anything of it until he pointed it out to me. That's when I realized the entire house was taped off with POLICE TAPE.

There had been a massive drug bust earlier today and the entire yard and house was now a crime scene. Whether there was any shooting involved is unknown, but entirely possible.

Three houses from where I live. Awesome.

You Can't Make Stuff Like This Up

I'm learning about how our brains work right now; specifically why someone with an amputated hand feels as if their hand is being touched when their face or arm is stroked. It's because the sensory fibers for the hand is located between the sensory fibers for the face and the arm. When the part of the brain used to sense the hand isn't used for a period of time then the adjacent regions take over and begin to use that space.

This leads to the last example which is just too good to have been made up.

Note, too, that the toes region is adjacent to the genitals. So what do you suppose was the sexual intercourse experience of another patient whose lower leg had been amputated? "I actually experience my orgasm in my foot. And there it's much bigger than it used to be because it's no longer just confined to my genitals".

Our brains are CRAZY!

God's Hand Is In It

"Looking back on the summer I realize that everything had to happen the way it did. During the summer, if I had felt how I do now, then I don't think I could have told you to go away to school." -Maria

Everything Is Falling Into Place

Hey Mom and Dad,

I tried calling this morning to talk to Mom about this and I wasn't able to get an answer so I thought I'd write a short email since I'll be really busy for the next few days and unable to call.

I haven't really had the chance to talk to you guys about Maria very much, but we had quite the adventerous summer and God really used her to help me decide to go back to school. We've had a lot of opportunities to spend a good amount of time talking and doing things together over the summer and it was always a good and pure friendship. We continued to draw closer to one another, especially towards the end of the summer and had I not been going off to school we would have prayed about pursuing something more than a friendship.

We decided that it would be best if I just went off to school with no expectations for our friendship and that we should continue to pray about what God wanted from our friendship. All of my friends supported this decision, and they emphasized that there would be plenty of good women that I could meet at Steubenville and that I should just put Maria behind me and move on with life.

That was definitely an option, and in a sense that's what I did for the first week I was down here. I continued to pray about our friendship, but outside of the time I spent praying about it I wasn't thinking about her. We didn't have much of a chance to talk for the first week that I was down here and I spent my time meeting lots of people down here.

One thing I quickly came to see is that just because someone goes to Steubenville, it doesn't make them a better person than any of my friends back home. I've definitely met a lot of really cool people, but I've also run into people with drug problems, people who are here to party, people who are immersed in the media, and a lot of people who have been sheltered their entire life and even though they are seniors or grad students they haven't had a chance to grow up because they've never had to face the real world.

There are really good people here, but they aren't any better or worse than people back home.

Last Thursday, Maria and I finally had a chance to really talk again. We talked about our friendship and what God had been saying to each of us through our prayers. I didn't feel like He was telling me to let go of her, and she didn't feel as if He was telling her to let go of me. Neither of us had strong emotional feelings for the other, but we do really cherish our friendship. We decided to just keep praying and on Sunday we had another chance to talk about our friendship.

Throughout the summer we both spent a lot of one on one time with members of the opposite sex, talking and hanging out with them. We both experienced the same thing: They were okay friendships but the friendships never went anywhere. There are only so many casual conversations that you can have before a man and a woman move to a deeper place than just being friends.

We felt that if our friendship was just going to be a casual friendship then we could find people in our own area that we develop that sort of friendship with. There was no need to have a 7 hour distance between us for that sort of friendship and it would be better to just let each other go. We felt it was prudent to take the next couple of days to decide if we should be going deeper with our friendship or if we should go our separate ways.

I've always really really enjoyed talking with her because she has a lot of depth to her and a lot of wisdom. She isn't superficial or worldly in anyway; she's a very solid woman of God. Her friendship meant a lot to me and even when we were going after nothing more than a friendship I did yearn for something deeper with her. Yet if that wasn't God's will then both of us were willing to let go of each other.

We took the last two days to really pray (more) about what we should do. I went to the chapel yesterday before we talked and went through every moment of our friendship to discern if I was trying to force things or if God's hand was orchestrating it.

Our friendship started on Sunday night in West Virginia when I asked her to take walk with me. I had been praying about whether I should ask her or not throughout the day, and when I asked her to take the walk she paused for half a minute to think about it before giving me an answer. I used that time to ask God to allow her to give the answer that He wanted her to give. I was just as okay with a no as I was with a yes. Of course she said yes.

Throughout the summer we had times when we were close and then other times where we didn't really think about each other. God brought us together at the right times; just when we needed it most. She put it best last night on the phone: "Everything in our friendship has been just in time and exactly when we needed it. If it had been any sooner or any later it wouldn't have worked out well at all."

He also spent the summer working on both of us and preparing us for something more than a friendship. At the beginning of the summer we were both really interested in being in a relationship (not with each other at the time) rather than completely focussed and satisfied by God alone. The following really inspired me earlier this summer:

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone, Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want;
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you could dream of
You see, until you are ready and until The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
~ St. Anthony of Padua ~

When we talked on Sunday night I wasn't sure I was in the place to have more than a friendship with someone. I had gotten to the point where I was uninterested in a relationship about two months ago because I was focussed on God, but I didn't realize I was at that point until I was in Mass yesterday. I realized that I've been so focussed on trying to grow and draw nearer to God that I didn't even notice that I had no emotional desire to be in a relationship. I no longer had a need that I felt I needed to fill. I was at the point where I could give myself freely for the sake of giving and not because I was somehow trying to fill an emptiness in my heart.

As I prayed about it and realized how God had been preparing my heart and how He had been guiding our friendship over the summer I really felt at peace about getting to know Maria on a deeper level. I felt like I would be turning my back on God by saying no; I would have felt the same way if I decided to stay in Lansing rather than coming to Steubenville.

When we talked on the phone last night, she explained what God had been telling her and it was exactly along the same lines. We really felt that even though there was a great physical distance between us that God was giving us the go ahead to start dating.

I don't make a habit of saying no to God, so Maria is now my girlfriend.

Love,
Jonathan

A Letter From Maria

August 31, 2007

Dear Jonathan,

I want to thank you again for encouraging me to always be completely open and honest with you. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for wanting me to be myself - my best self, who God intends for me to be. Thank you for your openness and honesty with me throughout this entire journey so far! I know how much courage it must have taken for you to take such risks as to share your feelings with me, not knowing what the outcome would be! Thank you for your kindness and your patience with me, as I've worked through things, grown, been confused, confused you, etc! Thank you for giving me my space to work through things and for never being forceful or mean to me. Thank you for your strength. For your strength of character, for listening to your heart and trusting yourself and God when you chose to talk things out with me that Monday after soccer, even though Heidi advised against it. I don't know if you realize how much that means to me, it shows me that I can depend on you to do what you feel and think is right, even if that means doing something that others don't agree with. Thank you also for your moral strength. Thank you for telling me that you don't want us to get too close physically right now. Thank you for protecting both of our purity, even though I was being foolish and imprudent. Thank you for being able to say no to me, without being harsh or hurtful. Thank you for being a man of prayer, for seeking God's guidance continually especially as it applies to our relationship. Thank you for wanting and seeking the best, in your own life and also desiring the best for me. Your friendship is a gift from God and I've been able to draw closer to him through knowing you! I hope this gives you a bit of an idae of what you mean to me.

Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese

A Busy Weekend

So much happened this weekend that I haven't had time to write about it. Here's a few highlights:

Friday night I was invited to a dinner with some Grad Students. Kathleen and Matt were cooking and the food was amazing. Mary told the group her story about stalking a boy during her freshman year and Ryan shared a story about his trip to Italy and his 'poop' adventure. I'll try and find time to write that one up at some point because it's REALLY good.

Right around 10:00, Kathleen and I headed over to another Graduate party which was just down the road from my house. The party really died when we showed up, but we stayed until around midnight. After I dropped her off I went home to find yet ANOTHER party going on at my place. Brett had 12 of his friends over so I hung out with them for a bit before going to bed around 3:00.

I spent the first part of my Saturday studying. Around 5:00 I headed off to The Sesame Grill to meet Devan, Mario, Tim, Heather, Kate, Ricardo, Mary, and Peter for Sushi. After Sushi we went to the Festival of Praise on campus. I only stayed for 1 1/2 hours of the 2 hours that it lasted. I spent the last 30 minutes playing Frisbee outside with a little girl named Susanne that could throw and catch REALLY well for a 13 year old. Most guys I know can't throw as well as she can.

When the FOP was finished I met up with Devan, Mario, and Kathleen and we headed down to Froehlich's, which is a Restaurant / Bar. Our friend Jeff plays the drums and his band was the opening act for the night so we wanted to support them. Afterwards I was driving home and I noticed a car was following me. My phone rang and it was Kathleen calling to tell me that I forgot to say goodbye to her. Since she was already following me I invited her over and we hung out for a bit before she headed home for the night.

Sunday was spent at Church in the morning, doing homework, sleeping, talking with Maria, playing football, eating dinner at Josh's place, talking to Maria, playing guitar, and then writing in here before going to bed.

Maria In two days I'll either have a girlfriend or my closest friend will turn into an acquaintance. Until then I'll be praying hard about the decision.

Thoughts, But No Conclusions

Warning: This post is going to be a bunch of rambling and will have no real direction. I'm trying to figure some things out and I need to write down my thoughts and fealings to do so. It won't be as 'edited' as most of my other posts.

I've been praying a lot about friendships lately, both here in Steubenville and with Maria back home. God is really directing my friendships here and I'm meeting all kinds of great people and really starting to get connected. At the same time I'm still looking at my friendship with Maria as having potential for being more than just a friendship at some point in the future.

Maria called on Thursday and we talked about our friendship and where it was going. We hadn't had a chance to talk about our friendship since we saw each other the Monday night before I left town. I was under the impression that she was trying to forget about me, so I tried doing the same even though I don't think I wanted to. Well it turns out that through prayer she's really getting the impression that she shouldn't be letting go of me, and emotionally she doesn't want to let go of me either. During our conversation she let me know that she likes me a lot. I was happy to hear that, but at the same time I was doing a good job of letting her go.

Right now my main problem is that I don't know what I want to do and more importantly, I don't know what I should do. My heart is still having a hard time believing that she has decided for good what she really wants. She has been consistant since we talked two weeks ago, but after the rollercoaster ride I really detached myself from her as far as fealings go. Even though I would like to turn those fealings back on now that I know how she feals I just can't do it. I still look forward to talking to her but there isn't that 'feeling' attached to her like I did over the summer.

The lack of feelings has a lot to do with the distance we have between us right now, but part of it is because right now I'm slowly starting to get attached to Kathleen. I don't even know if that's a wise thing to do because she's only around for this year. Then she'll be graduating and moving back home or wherever else she finds a job. I don't want to get involved with someone who will be gone in a year. But, does it make any sense to get involved with someone who is 'gone' now and will still be gone next year and the following year? That's a long time to be away from each other. A REALLY LONG TIME. I am planning on going home once a month right now to see Maria, so that means I'll see her three times during the school year as well as over Christmas break and summer break.

Is that enough time to have a relationship with someone? I don't know. Do we even need to be in a relationship rather than a friendship? I don't know. Right now I'm definitely content with just being good friends because I still need to work on myself, not to mention I haven't figure out what God wants in this situation.

I also need to decide what to do with my friendship with Kathleen. If I keep hanging around her as much as I am now and in the same way then I am going to develop feelings for her. Right now I don't think that'd be wise. As far as time goes, I'll have a chance to see Kathleen a lot over the next eight months, but she'll be gone for good after that.

I also know that Maria really likes me now, and while my posts on here probably don't make her sound like the best person, she is a really awesome woman. Despite her bits of selfishness here and there she is a very loving and giving person. She comes from a good family and I like the fact that she's so close with her siblings and her parents. That's always a good sign. Anyway, the point of this is that I know where she stands as far as our friendship goes and I have no idea where Kathleen is at. Right now I'd rather her not start to get interested in me because I don't want to hurt her in anyway.

So far all of this is just me trying to figure out what I want. The really important question right now is 'what does God want? I'll have to keep praying about it because right now I either don't know what He wants or else He has told me and I didn't want to hear it so I didn't pay attention.

For now, I plan on keeping my focus on Maria, but I'm not sure I'm at peace with that decision. I'm hoping through prayer and then spending the weekend with her in two weeks will help me decide what I should be doing.