I've had my cell phone for almost two years and we've had some good times together. It was the first cell phone I ever owned so I've been pretty attached to it. When my phone was young and full of energy I could have four hour conversations on it without having to charge it. I've sent many text messages, taken many pictures with it, and even threw out my wrist watch and used the cell phone as my trusty clock. I connected with a lot of friends through it and my life wouldn't be the same with out my loyal cell phone. My total talk time was 571 hours, 22 minutes, and 55 seconds. Every second we spent together was good, and I'll cherish them forever.
My LG-100 died on me last night and it's gone for good. I pulled my charger out of it and part of the internals of the phone came with it. I tried desperately to save it. The Heimlich maneuver, CPR, a defibrillator, putting the internals back inside and plugging the charger in.
Nothing worked.
Today I will make my final journey with my phone as we head to Robinson, PA where the nearest Verizon store is. Mapquest tells me that it'll take 40 minutes to get there. I plan on it being a day long journey as I reminisce about all the good times and mourn the times that never will be. No matter what new features my new phone has, it just won't be the same.
You were good to me, and you will be missed.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I'm Not A Good Person
I've HAD to go to confession two times in the last two days. That definitely doesn't deserve a pat on the back.
I'm glad that God's mercy is infinite, otherwise I would have drained the tank already.
I'm glad that God's mercy is infinite, otherwise I would have drained the tank already.
A Random Observation
Psychology deals a lot more with sex than Computer Science ever did. It seems like every other example in my Psych and Anatomy books are talking about some aspect of our sexuality.
Computer Science didn't have that perk.
Computer Science didn't have that perk.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Jonathan 1, First Day Of School 0
My first day of class is over; I survived AND had a great day. It's midnight now, I have a bunch of reading to do still, and I have an 8:00AM class tomorrow so I'll keep this short.
I headed out of my apartment this morning around 10:45. I had a letter from Maria and a wedding invitation in my mailbox, both of which I plucked out and put in my backpack to read once I made it to school. I made my way to my Psychology 101 class and found a seat in the back. I've always been a 'sit in the back' sort of person and the fact that the class was full of freshman didn't exactly encourage me to move closer to the front.
It worked out really well because a girl named Sara sat next to me and it turns out that she remembered me from orientation. We hadn't actually met, but she had helped me find a parking spot way back on Thursday afternoon. She's a senior this year, so at least she was a few years closer to my age than all of the 18 year olds.
My professor walked in and I could tell immediately that she'll be really awesome. Her name is Dr. Joanne Storm and I actually stayed at her house when I was visiting Steubenville this summer. She's young and full of energy; I could enjoy having her for an 8AM class because she'd help me wake up and make me excited to be there.
Heidi had called me during class so I gave her a call as soon as I was outside. Her and Jon had met last night to talk and she was feeling the way I expected her to feel today. We talked until her lunch was over and then I decided to walk around campus for a bit to kill the 30 minutes I had left until class started. I ran into Ricardo, then I talked real quickly with Amanda, and eventually I saw Sarah walking to class so I ran over and walked with her.
My second class of the day was Foundations of Catholicism, which I think will be pretty interesting. My friend Aaron was in the class so I knew another person right off the bat. Our teacher gave us a 5 minute break in the middle of class and I broke out my granola bar to eat since I hadn't yet had lunch. Aaron didn't have a lunch either, so I gave him my 2nd granola bar. I was out of food for the rest of the day at that point, but at least he was able to eat some lunch.
After class I headed to the JC Williams center to study and I found my friend Devon at a table. I sat and talked to her for a few minutes and then began studying. Sarah and her friend Maria, who I met over the summer, stopped by later to give me a hard time about studying on the first day of class. Devon ended up coming back and both Mario and Tim found us later. Mario and Tim are awesome, but it was impossible to get any studying done with them around.
I headed off to Confession and then to Mass before heading home to get some food, rest a bit, play a little XBox, and do some homework. I was home for about 2 1/2 hours which was perfect. I hopped back in my car and gave Jon a call to see how last night went for him while I was driving back to campus.
We had our GNT social tonight where we could sign up for sports and other activities as well as drink some beer, wine, and eat some food. I ended up being there for almost 2 hours and I was talking with people the entire time. I met a few new people, saw some familiar faces from home, and talked a lot with my friends that I had already made over the last week. I can't believe how many people I've already met since I came into town 6 days ago. I feel very at home being here. At least I felt that way until Kathleen called me 'Josh' 3 times in one sentence. She's the person I've talked to the most and the one who has made me feel most welcome, yet she can't get my name right. I know she knows my name and that she likes having me around but she has a problem with calling me Josh. I'm working on trying to help her with this problem but I think there is a long road ahead of us still :-)
Kathleen mentioned that she wanted to go to adoration after the social, but the only Adoration available right now is off campus and it's not safe for a woman to go alone at night. I offered to go if she couldn't find anyone else, and that ended up being the case. I figured she could show me where it was at and I could keep her safe. A pretty good deal if I say so myself!
We didn't stay too long and I headed back home afterwards. Right as I was pulling into my apartment I received a text message from Maria telling me she hoped my first day went well. It's great to know people back home are still thinking about me and praying for me.
I'm an incredibly lucky man.
I headed out of my apartment this morning around 10:45. I had a letter from Maria and a wedding invitation in my mailbox, both of which I plucked out and put in my backpack to read once I made it to school. I made my way to my Psychology 101 class and found a seat in the back. I've always been a 'sit in the back' sort of person and the fact that the class was full of freshman didn't exactly encourage me to move closer to the front.
It worked out really well because a girl named Sara sat next to me and it turns out that she remembered me from orientation. We hadn't actually met, but she had helped me find a parking spot way back on Thursday afternoon. She's a senior this year, so at least she was a few years closer to my age than all of the 18 year olds.
My professor walked in and I could tell immediately that she'll be really awesome. Her name is Dr. Joanne Storm and I actually stayed at her house when I was visiting Steubenville this summer. She's young and full of energy; I could enjoy having her for an 8AM class because she'd help me wake up and make me excited to be there.
Heidi had called me during class so I gave her a call as soon as I was outside. Her and Jon had met last night to talk and she was feeling the way I expected her to feel today. We talked until her lunch was over and then I decided to walk around campus for a bit to kill the 30 minutes I had left until class started. I ran into Ricardo, then I talked real quickly with Amanda, and eventually I saw Sarah walking to class so I ran over and walked with her.
My second class of the day was Foundations of Catholicism, which I think will be pretty interesting. My friend Aaron was in the class so I knew another person right off the bat. Our teacher gave us a 5 minute break in the middle of class and I broke out my granola bar to eat since I hadn't yet had lunch. Aaron didn't have a lunch either, so I gave him my 2nd granola bar. I was out of food for the rest of the day at that point, but at least he was able to eat some lunch.
After class I headed to the JC Williams center to study and I found my friend Devon at a table. I sat and talked to her for a few minutes and then began studying. Sarah and her friend Maria, who I met over the summer, stopped by later to give me a hard time about studying on the first day of class. Devon ended up coming back and both Mario and Tim found us later. Mario and Tim are awesome, but it was impossible to get any studying done with them around.
I headed off to Confession and then to Mass before heading home to get some food, rest a bit, play a little XBox, and do some homework. I was home for about 2 1/2 hours which was perfect. I hopped back in my car and gave Jon a call to see how last night went for him while I was driving back to campus.
We had our GNT social tonight where we could sign up for sports and other activities as well as drink some beer, wine, and eat some food. I ended up being there for almost 2 hours and I was talking with people the entire time. I met a few new people, saw some familiar faces from home, and talked a lot with my friends that I had already made over the last week. I can't believe how many people I've already met since I came into town 6 days ago. I feel very at home being here. At least I felt that way until Kathleen called me 'Josh' 3 times in one sentence. She's the person I've talked to the most and the one who has made me feel most welcome, yet she can't get my name right. I know she knows my name and that she likes having me around but she has a problem with calling me Josh. I'm working on trying to help her with this problem but I think there is a long road ahead of us still :-)
Kathleen mentioned that she wanted to go to adoration after the social, but the only Adoration available right now is off campus and it's not safe for a woman to go alone at night. I offered to go if she couldn't find anyone else, and that ended up being the case. I figured she could show me where it was at and I could keep her safe. A pretty good deal if I say so myself!
We didn't stay too long and I headed back home afterwards. Right as I was pulling into my apartment I received a text message from Maria telling me she hoped my first day went well. It's great to know people back home are still thinking about me and praying for me.
I'm an incredibly lucky man.
Better Than Kindergarten
Twenty one months ago I finished my last exam at Michigan State and I vowed to never step foot in a college classroom again. God has a different plan for my life than I thought, and I start down that path today.
It's the first day of school.
There's a few things I've found out since I've arrived in Steubenville that I wish I had known a few months ago. I've been talking to a lot of Grad students and it sounds like I'll be able to take a lot less undergrad in psychology and be able to get into the Masters of Counseling program much sooner than I thought. There's a very small possibility that I can get in next Spring, and a very good chance that I can get in next Fall. That will rule out any possiblity of studying in Austria, but it'll shorten my time in Steubenville from 4 years to 2 1/2 to 3 years.
I also found out that there aren't any official Academic Advisors. There are only professors who are willing to help out in their spare time. They do a great job helping a incoming freshman set up their schedule, but they do not do a good job helping non traditional students get through school as fast as possible. I took a look at my schedule and how my advisor had it layed out for me and I realized that it would take me three years to get through UNDERGRAD if I wanted to go that route. It looks like I won't have to go through all the undergrad anyway, but I completely overhauled my schedule yesterday so that I could make it through in two years if I end up going that route.
12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
4:00-5:15 Elementary Spanish I
6:00-8:40 Personality (Psychology)
12:45-2:00 Foundations of Catholicism
12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
4:00-5:15 Elementary Spanish I
12:45-2:00 Foundations of Catholicism
12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
It's the first day of school.
There's a few things I've found out since I've arrived in Steubenville that I wish I had known a few months ago. I've been talking to a lot of Grad students and it sounds like I'll be able to take a lot less undergrad in psychology and be able to get into the Masters of Counseling program much sooner than I thought. There's a very small possibility that I can get in next Spring, and a very good chance that I can get in next Fall. That will rule out any possiblity of studying in Austria, but it'll shorten my time in Steubenville from 4 years to 2 1/2 to 3 years.
I also found out that there aren't any official Academic Advisors. There are only professors who are willing to help out in their spare time. They do a great job helping a incoming freshman set up their schedule, but they do not do a good job helping non traditional students get through school as fast as possible. I took a look at my schedule and how my advisor had it layed out for me and I realized that it would take me three years to get through UNDERGRAD if I wanted to go that route. It looks like I won't have to go through all the undergrad anyway, but I completely overhauled my schedule yesterday so that I could make it through in two years if I end up going that route.
Monday
10:00-11:50 Anatomy and Physiology I Lab12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
4:00-5:15 Elementary Spanish I
6:00-8:40 Personality (Psychology)
Tuesday
11:00-12:15 Principles of Psychology I12:45-2:00 Foundations of Catholicism
Wednesday
8:00-8:50 Anatomy and Physiology I12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
4:00-5:15 Elementary Spanish I
Thursday
11:00-12:15 Principles of Psychology I12:45-2:00 Foundations of Catholicism
Friday
8:00-8:50 Anatomy and Physiology I12:00-12:50 Motivation and Emotion (Psychology)
Monday, August 27, 2007
One Of The Cool Guys
8-26-2007
I was walking around campus talking with Kathleen this evening and she asked me if I was homesick at all. The answer to that is that I’m not at all home sick. I’ve even thought about not going home every month, but I think I will end up doing that just so I can keep in touch with a few special friends of mine.
I thought more about her question while I was in the Eucharistic Chapel praying tonight, and I realized that my transition from Lansing to Steubenville has been so easy for me because God used the events of this summer to detach me from home. Even the emotional roller coaster ride with Maria at the end was totally worth it. Part of me feels like I should be more attached to home and especially to her, but I know that I shouldn’t because God wants me in Steubenville right now.
I am feeling really blessed because of all the people I’ve been able to get connected with during Orientation Weekend. I even had my first get together at my apartment today when Devon, Ricardo, Aaron, Amanda, Sarah, Andrea, and Mario came over to have pizza for dinner. That’s something I would have done back in Lansing and I feel completely at home doing it here.
After our little dinner get together, we all headed over to Campus for the ‘Sundae On Your Sunday’ ice cream social. We had a large table full of all the GNTs and I was talking to Aaron and Devon mostly. Kathleen showed up late because she had sixteen freshman girls over at her place for dinner and she had to clean up afterwards.
Kathleen and I already have a special ‘bond’ going on between us. Neither of us tried to force it, it just sort of happened. I first met her at the table where I picked up my orientation packet. All of the GNT workers there were friendly, but she was the only one who went out of her way to shake my hand and look me in the eyes and welcome me to the university. Because of that, she’s the only person who’s name has stuck with me from the beginning.
The next time that I saw her was later that day at dinner. She was sitting next to Mary and she came down to sit by me after I finished dripping sweat all over the place. I saw her again at Damon’s later that evening, although the only thing we talked about was Mass the next morning. I was asking if the GNTs would be sitting together in the same section. She didn’t know if we’d be in the same section, but she told me to look for the signs being held up. I asked if she’d have a sign and she said "No way, that’s the guys job. I’m too short for anyone to see the sign even if I’m holding it up".
I walked in about 10 minutes before Mass the next morning and there was Kathleen holding up the sign. That gave me a good laugh, so I went over to her and gave her a hard time about holding the sign after saying that she wouldn’t be. I offered to hold it for her and she didn’t hesitate to give it to me. That’s about the time that the special bond between us formed.
I saw her around at the different meals, but we weren’t usually sitting near each other or talking together. I had a chance to talk to her for a while at the house party last night, which again wasn’t planned. She came over to talk to Kristen and I. and she asked if she could do anything for me. I jokingly said "You could find me some more friends". She offered to take me around the house and introduce me to everyone. She was kidding, so I laughed and told her she didn’t have too, but that I would go with her if she was willing. Somehow we actually decided to do it, so off into the house we went to meet people. I didn’t end up meeting too many people, but I did end up out back talking to her.
That’s about the time that she called me Josh three times in a row. I knew she knew my name, so I decided to point that little mistake out to her A LOT. I gave her a hard time about it for the rest of the evening and again today when I saw her.
She sat down next to me this evening even though there was no room between myself and the next person. She quietly told me that there was something she wanted to invite me to, but it would have to wait because it wasn’t for everyone. Later in the evening when the rest of the table was talking, she told me that her and a few of her closest friends were having a Friday night dinner party and that I was invited. It sounds like only fifteen people were invited and everyone but myself was a returning grad student. I felt pretty special that I was one of the people who were invited. She also invited me to come out to her house anytime that I wanted. She lives ten minutes away in Toronto, and apparently no one ever wants to go out there because people think it’s such a far drive.
Around 11:00 the lights went out in the tent where the social was being held. Kathleen mentioned that she was going to head over to the Adoration Chapel so see if it was open and I hadn’t had a chance to go to Adoration since I left Lansing so I asked if I could go with her. It gave us a little more time to talk before going our separate ways once we went into the Chapel. She’s definitely a cool girl and I’m very thankful that God has used the start of our friendship to help me get connected with people here in Steubenville.
I’m really excited to see what else He has planned for me this semester.
Hadguns And Poison
8-25-2007
I went to my first house party in Steubenville last night and I had a chance to meet and talk to people who have been living here for a few years already. I felt a whole lot better about the town before going to the party.
I had a few glasses of water over my first few days here and the water tastes horrible. I drank it because I was thirsty, but I’m never drinking or cooking with the tap water here again. Apparently the water pipes aren’t exactly in good shape and there are multiple poisonous chemicals in the tap water. The city of Steubenville periodically sends out mail to everyone in town to warn them of this and to tell them not to drink the water. Some of the side affects if the water is regularly consumed are: Cancer, permanent damage to your central nervous system, and kidney damage, and a pickled liver. Those are all things I can do without out.
I also found out about just how ‘safe’ Steubenville really is. I met two guys who both sleep with 9mm handguns under their pillow at night. Someone was gunned down a month ago in the middle of the street just four houses down from where one of the guys lived and there is a lot of other drug related violence where he lives. My friend Josh lived in a place with a crack house on either side and the two apartments below him had been broken into multiple times.
I left the party at 1:00AM to head home and there were a bunch of shady guys hanging around outside of my apartment. I made it in safe, but after hearing all the stories throughout the night I didn’t exactly feel comfortable.
I went to my first house party in Steubenville last night and I had a chance to meet and talk to people who have been living here for a few years already. I felt a whole lot better about the town before going to the party.
I had a few glasses of water over my first few days here and the water tastes horrible. I drank it because I was thirsty, but I’m never drinking or cooking with the tap water here again. Apparently the water pipes aren’t exactly in good shape and there are multiple poisonous chemicals in the tap water. The city of Steubenville periodically sends out mail to everyone in town to warn them of this and to tell them not to drink the water. Some of the side affects if the water is regularly consumed are: Cancer, permanent damage to your central nervous system, and kidney damage, and a pickled liver. Those are all things I can do without out.
I also found out about just how ‘safe’ Steubenville really is. I met two guys who both sleep with 9mm handguns under their pillow at night. Someone was gunned down a month ago in the middle of the street just four houses down from where one of the guys lived and there is a lot of other drug related violence where he lives. My friend Josh lived in a place with a crack house on either side and the two apartments below him had been broken into multiple times.
I left the party at 1:00AM to head home and there were a bunch of shady guys hanging around outside of my apartment. I made it in safe, but after hearing all the stories throughout the night I didn’t exactly feel comfortable.
Absents Makes The Heart Grow Fonder
8-24-2007
Maria called me tonight.
"I’m still getting used to things."
"What sort of things are you talking about?"
"You being gone."
Maybe those words shouldn’t have shocked me, but they surprised me because I never expected to hear them from Maria. Over the last two days her and I have both thinking the same thing, "the other person has already forgotten about me."
Our conversation was short tonight, but it was good because we both realized that we haven’t forgotten each other. She called to tell me that she was rereading the letter I wrote to her and that she wanted to thank me for it because it really meant a lot to her. That alone showed me that she hadn’t forgotten about me, and the words she spoke, which I wrote above, reinforced that.
I was thanking her for calling and telling her that I was worried about not having a chance to call her last night because of how busy my schedule was. I sent her a text message the night I arrived in Steubenville and let her know I’d call on Thursday. When Thursday actually came around I found out how busy I was and I knew that she’d think that I forgot about her if I didn’t call. It wasn’t until 11:30PM that I was able to give her a call, and she admitted tonight that for a while she thought I might have forgotten about her. I assured her that it wasn’t the case and I let her know that she is the only person from Michigan that I’ve talked to since I’ve been down here. I also let her know that I’ve been thinking about her and praying for her ever since I saw her last. She was really glad to hear that and it was very reassuring for both of us to know that the other person hasn’t forgotten what our friendship means.
Not yet, anyway.
Maria called me tonight.
"I’m still getting used to things."
"What sort of things are you talking about?"
"You being gone."
Maybe those words shouldn’t have shocked me, but they surprised me because I never expected to hear them from Maria. Over the last two days her and I have both thinking the same thing, "the other person has already forgotten about me."
Our conversation was short tonight, but it was good because we both realized that we haven’t forgotten each other. She called to tell me that she was rereading the letter I wrote to her and that she wanted to thank me for it because it really meant a lot to her. That alone showed me that she hadn’t forgotten about me, and the words she spoke, which I wrote above, reinforced that.
I was thanking her for calling and telling her that I was worried about not having a chance to call her last night because of how busy my schedule was. I sent her a text message the night I arrived in Steubenville and let her know I’d call on Thursday. When Thursday actually came around I found out how busy I was and I knew that she’d think that I forgot about her if I didn’t call. It wasn’t until 11:30PM that I was able to give her a call, and she admitted tonight that for a while she thought I might have forgotten about her. I assured her that it wasn’t the case and I let her know that she is the only person from Michigan that I’ve talked to since I’ve been down here. I also let her know that I’ve been thinking about her and praying for her ever since I saw her last. She was really glad to hear that and it was very reassuring for both of us to know that the other person hasn’t forgotten what our friendship means.
Not yet, anyway.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I'm Glad I'm Here
8-23-2007
Day two was a whole lot better than day one; that’s for sure. I woke up for morning Mass and then said goodbye to David as he took off for school in Florida. He ran across three people that he knew from Totus Tuus after Mass, which left me feeling like a loser. I go to school here and he knew as many people as I did this morning.
That would change as soon as orientation started for me. I had to sign in on campus at 1:30PM and parking was almost impossible to find. All of the freshman and their families were working on moving them in and over 100 current students were working on helping people out so campus was full of people. Once I finally found parking way out in the boonies I started making my way towards where I was supposed to check in. I was surprised to find that there is a Graduate and Non Traditional Undergrad (GNT) group on campus and they were right there to give me information about themselves while I was receiving my orientation materials.
They have been doing a great job of reaching out to people and making it easy for us GNTs to get connected. They have an area set up at all of the meals and events so that we can get sit together. Dinner was the first event and I made it up there and sat down next to a girl I didn’t know. The heat index reached 104 degrees today and our seats just happened to be right by a window that the sun was shining through and I had just walked across campus before sitting down to eat and I had a dark shirt on. I was feeling okay until I sat down to eat, and then I started dripping sweat.
Not the best first impression, but a great lesson in humility.
One of the leaders of the group, Mary, broke the ice by commenting on how hot it was by the windows. She was trying to make me feel better, but I felt like it drew more attention to me. Either way, it did allow me to get involved in the conversation and I was able to meet the girl next to me. No one mentioned her name to me and I didn’t ask because I felt like I should know it since everyone else did. I talked to Mary, the nameless girl, and a girl named Kathleen while I ate and wiped the sweat off my forehead.
We finished dinner around 6:00, which left 90 minutes to kill before the ‘Grand Opening’ event that evening. Mary and Kathleen headed off to do some administrative tasks, which left me with the nameless girl. I could have gone home to unpack some more and then come back, but she mentioned she had nothing do to so I asked her if she wanted to walk around campus and talk since we didn’t know anyone else.
We only walked around for a few minutes before we walked into the newest dorm on campus, which actually had air conditioning. We sat down in the common room and talked for the next hour. I found out that her name was Kate, she was 21, graduated college in three years, and was at FUS for a Masters in Theology. It felt good to really talk to someone here in Steubenville and do more than exchange a quick ‘Hey, my name is Jonathan. Nice to meet you too’.
The ‘Grand Opening’ event wasn’t all that grand, except for Kate’s and my entrance. All the students that were working orientation lined up on either side of the entrance and were clapping and cheering and giving high fives to everyone who entered. I felt like a football player being introduced before the super bowl, the only difference was that I had about three times as many people to go through and give high fives too before I made it into the field house. I found my friend Andrea, who was working orientation, along the way and we grabbed each other’s hands to show we actually knew each other.
After the ‘Grand Opening’ the GNTs met for small groups. We broke up into groups of 8 to get to know each other better. There was a guy in my group who had also graduated from MSU a few years back, another guy who converted to the faith after overcoming alcoholism, and the rest of the people who were lead to FUS by other circumstances.
When our small groups finished at 10:00PM, those of us who still had energy headed down to Damon’s Grill to have a beer and share nachos. I sat at a table with a girl named Liz who spent the last few years of her life waiting tables in Chicago and decided to go back to school and get a degree. I met another guy named Chris who used to work in corrections and wanted to get into something else, so now he’s at FUS. I met Jeff who’s finishing up his Masters of Counseling degree this year, and another Chris who’s married and finishing up a graduate degree. It was an awesome night and I feel really good about how things are going right now. Meeting people is easier than I thought it was going to be, thanks to this GNT group.
I sent Maria a text message to see if she was still up when I was on my way home. I saw a guy I met walking home so I offered him a ride and dropped him off. Shortly after that, Maria called and we talked for a fifteen minutes to get caught up with what we’d each been up too since we talked last. Her neighbors just had their third miscarriage in just over a year, which is really awful. Nothing you can do for a person can make up for that. On the plus side, she did just get a new phone so I can actually talk to her when she’s in her apartment. Her old cell phone constantly broke up and hung up on me and it was really hard to have a conversation with her.
Brett came home right after I got off of the phone with Maria and he had his friend John with him. John doesn’t have a place to live right now so he’s staying at our place. We spent half an hour talking about the day and I found out that Brett was right behind Andrea in the ‘high five’ line and I totally missed him. Whoops! Brett also met a midget today and he was pretty excited about it. I’ll leave it at that because some things are better left unsaid.
It was really great to hear a familiar voice tonight even though I had such a good day. I’ve taken a step in the right direction, but my real friends are still home in Michigan for the time being. That said, I’m watching pictures from the last year of my life on my computer monitor while writing this and one thought comes to my head.
I’m glad I’m here.
Day two was a whole lot better than day one; that’s for sure. I woke up for morning Mass and then said goodbye to David as he took off for school in Florida. He ran across three people that he knew from Totus Tuus after Mass, which left me feeling like a loser. I go to school here and he knew as many people as I did this morning.
That would change as soon as orientation started for me. I had to sign in on campus at 1:30PM and parking was almost impossible to find. All of the freshman and their families were working on moving them in and over 100 current students were working on helping people out so campus was full of people. Once I finally found parking way out in the boonies I started making my way towards where I was supposed to check in. I was surprised to find that there is a Graduate and Non Traditional Undergrad (GNT) group on campus and they were right there to give me information about themselves while I was receiving my orientation materials.
They have been doing a great job of reaching out to people and making it easy for us GNTs to get connected. They have an area set up at all of the meals and events so that we can get sit together. Dinner was the first event and I made it up there and sat down next to a girl I didn’t know. The heat index reached 104 degrees today and our seats just happened to be right by a window that the sun was shining through and I had just walked across campus before sitting down to eat and I had a dark shirt on. I was feeling okay until I sat down to eat, and then I started dripping sweat.
Not the best first impression, but a great lesson in humility.
One of the leaders of the group, Mary, broke the ice by commenting on how hot it was by the windows. She was trying to make me feel better, but I felt like it drew more attention to me. Either way, it did allow me to get involved in the conversation and I was able to meet the girl next to me. No one mentioned her name to me and I didn’t ask because I felt like I should know it since everyone else did. I talked to Mary, the nameless girl, and a girl named Kathleen while I ate and wiped the sweat off my forehead.
We finished dinner around 6:00, which left 90 minutes to kill before the ‘Grand Opening’ event that evening. Mary and Kathleen headed off to do some administrative tasks, which left me with the nameless girl. I could have gone home to unpack some more and then come back, but she mentioned she had nothing do to so I asked her if she wanted to walk around campus and talk since we didn’t know anyone else.
We only walked around for a few minutes before we walked into the newest dorm on campus, which actually had air conditioning. We sat down in the common room and talked for the next hour. I found out that her name was Kate, she was 21, graduated college in three years, and was at FUS for a Masters in Theology. It felt good to really talk to someone here in Steubenville and do more than exchange a quick ‘Hey, my name is Jonathan. Nice to meet you too’.
The ‘Grand Opening’ event wasn’t all that grand, except for Kate’s and my entrance. All the students that were working orientation lined up on either side of the entrance and were clapping and cheering and giving high fives to everyone who entered. I felt like a football player being introduced before the super bowl, the only difference was that I had about three times as many people to go through and give high fives too before I made it into the field house. I found my friend Andrea, who was working orientation, along the way and we grabbed each other’s hands to show we actually knew each other.
After the ‘Grand Opening’ the GNTs met for small groups. We broke up into groups of 8 to get to know each other better. There was a guy in my group who had also graduated from MSU a few years back, another guy who converted to the faith after overcoming alcoholism, and the rest of the people who were lead to FUS by other circumstances.
When our small groups finished at 10:00PM, those of us who still had energy headed down to Damon’s Grill to have a beer and share nachos. I sat at a table with a girl named Liz who spent the last few years of her life waiting tables in Chicago and decided to go back to school and get a degree. I met another guy named Chris who used to work in corrections and wanted to get into something else, so now he’s at FUS. I met Jeff who’s finishing up his Masters of Counseling degree this year, and another Chris who’s married and finishing up a graduate degree. It was an awesome night and I feel really good about how things are going right now. Meeting people is easier than I thought it was going to be, thanks to this GNT group.
I sent Maria a text message to see if she was still up when I was on my way home. I saw a guy I met walking home so I offered him a ride and dropped him off. Shortly after that, Maria called and we talked for a fifteen minutes to get caught up with what we’d each been up too since we talked last. Her neighbors just had their third miscarriage in just over a year, which is really awful. Nothing you can do for a person can make up for that. On the plus side, she did just get a new phone so I can actually talk to her when she’s in her apartment. Her old cell phone constantly broke up and hung up on me and it was really hard to have a conversation with her.
Brett came home right after I got off of the phone with Maria and he had his friend John with him. John doesn’t have a place to live right now so he’s staying at our place. We spent half an hour talking about the day and I found out that Brett was right behind Andrea in the ‘high five’ line and I totally missed him. Whoops! Brett also met a midget today and he was pretty excited about it. I’ll leave it at that because some things are better left unsaid.
It was really great to hear a familiar voice tonight even though I had such a good day. I’ve taken a step in the right direction, but my real friends are still home in Michigan for the time being. That said, I’m watching pictures from the last year of my life on my computer monitor while writing this and one thought comes to my head.
I’m glad I’m here.
What's Gone Wrong So Far
8-22-2007
The air stinks in Steubenville. Badly.
My brother has been to Paris and to Los Angeles, so he knows stinky air when he comes across it. Steubenville smells worse than both of those cities according to him, and I can already feel the lung cancer forming after moving everything into my room.
All of the electrical outlets in our apartment are old school and only support two prongs; there are no grounding prongs in any of the plugs. This would be okay except for the fact that Brett and I don’t have anything to plug in that DOESN’T have the normal two prongs AND the grounding prong. That might be a problem.
I’ve spent the day sweating in the sun at Cedar Point and it’s hot and humid here tonight. I’m dripping sweat and I smell awful. I have no soap and I have no towels. Then there was the FREAKING HUGE centipede in my shower that I chased down and killed. When I got into the shower I found out that there is a large window on the wall that the shower is on. That’s cool, except it’s the ONLY window in the whole place that doesn’t have a BLIND. If I was a girl I’d be flashing the entire world while just trying to get clean.
Oh, and I have no toilet paper. If only I hadn’t given the extra roll that I found in my car to Maria last Thursday….
My cell phone is about to die and I have no idea where my charger is. That’s at least normal.
Other than that I’m really excited to be here in Steubenville. I’ve only been in town for three hours and I’ve already met half a dozen people who were all really friendly.
Life is good.
The air stinks in Steubenville. Badly.
My brother has been to Paris and to Los Angeles, so he knows stinky air when he comes across it. Steubenville smells worse than both of those cities according to him, and I can already feel the lung cancer forming after moving everything into my room.
All of the electrical outlets in our apartment are old school and only support two prongs; there are no grounding prongs in any of the plugs. This would be okay except for the fact that Brett and I don’t have anything to plug in that DOESN’T have the normal two prongs AND the grounding prong. That might be a problem.
I’ve spent the day sweating in the sun at Cedar Point and it’s hot and humid here tonight. I’m dripping sweat and I smell awful. I have no soap and I have no towels. Then there was the FREAKING HUGE centipede in my shower that I chased down and killed. When I got into the shower I found out that there is a large window on the wall that the shower is on. That’s cool, except it’s the ONLY window in the whole place that doesn’t have a BLIND. If I was a girl I’d be flashing the entire world while just trying to get clean.
Oh, and I have no toilet paper. If only I hadn’t given the extra roll that I found in my car to Maria last Thursday….
My cell phone is about to die and I have no idea where my charger is. That’s at least normal.
Other than that I’m really excited to be here in Steubenville. I’ve only been in town for three hours and I’ve already met half a dozen people who were all really friendly.
Life is good.
Prince Charming
8-21-07
It’s my first night away from Lansing, and so far life is good. David, and I left our parents house after dinner tonight and drove down to Ohio. The only memorable part of the drive was when we got into a small town and we couldn’t go straight because their entire main street was flooded. We had to make a left hand turn and street after street was flooded in the same area. It had been raining, but not that hard. It must have been a water main that broke because it was just a strip about 100 yards wide that was flooded.
I actually have no idea where in Ohio I’m staying tonight since I just followed David, but we are staying with his friend Paul and that’s good enough for me. Paul just graduated from Ave Maria last year and he’s living at home with his family. He has two sisters who are really cool. Rene is the older of the two girls at 17, and Mary is the younger at 12. We didn’t get in until shortly before midnight, but Paul’s mom heated up left over Lasagna, made a salad, toasted some bread, and scooped ice cream for us for dessert. I think the most memorable part of dinner was when David, Paul, and I were joking around and I said ‘Ewww….she smells like girl’. Yeah, you had to be there.
Paul and David are avid NASCAR fans and I used to be a fan when I had time to sit down and watch the races. Paul had just bought a NASCAR board game, so David, Paul, Rene, Mary, and I all sat down for a competitive race. I was doing awesome for the first 3 out of 5 laps and then everything fell apart. I went from being in the lead to barely coming home with third place. It was a lot of fun playing with everyone though, so my defeat wasn’t too disheartening.
We finished around 2AM and since we have to be up early we decided to call it a night. Rene and Mary were super generous and they offered to sleep on the floor so that David and I could each have a bed. I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew it’d be rude to argue. The last thing I’m doing before going to sleep tonight is curling up with the Cinderella pillow on Mary’s…well…my bed.
Tonight I’m sleeping with a princess.
It’s my first night away from Lansing, and so far life is good. David, and I left our parents house after dinner tonight and drove down to Ohio. The only memorable part of the drive was when we got into a small town and we couldn’t go straight because their entire main street was flooded. We had to make a left hand turn and street after street was flooded in the same area. It had been raining, but not that hard. It must have been a water main that broke because it was just a strip about 100 yards wide that was flooded.
I actually have no idea where in Ohio I’m staying tonight since I just followed David, but we are staying with his friend Paul and that’s good enough for me. Paul just graduated from Ave Maria last year and he’s living at home with his family. He has two sisters who are really cool. Rene is the older of the two girls at 17, and Mary is the younger at 12. We didn’t get in until shortly before midnight, but Paul’s mom heated up left over Lasagna, made a salad, toasted some bread, and scooped ice cream for us for dessert. I think the most memorable part of dinner was when David, Paul, and I were joking around and I said ‘Ewww….she smells like girl’. Yeah, you had to be there.
Paul and David are avid NASCAR fans and I used to be a fan when I had time to sit down and watch the races. Paul had just bought a NASCAR board game, so David, Paul, Rene, Mary, and I all sat down for a competitive race. I was doing awesome for the first 3 out of 5 laps and then everything fell apart. I went from being in the lead to barely coming home with third place. It was a lot of fun playing with everyone though, so my defeat wasn’t too disheartening.
We finished around 2AM and since we have to be up early we decided to call it a night. Rene and Mary were super generous and they offered to sleep on the floor so that David and I could each have a bed. I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew it’d be rude to argue. The last thing I’m doing before going to sleep tonight is curling up with the Cinderella pillow on Mary’s…well…my bed.
Tonight I’m sleeping with a princess.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Two Weeks Notice - For My Own Reference
Julie,
I am writing to inform you that my last day at Auto-Owners will be Tuesday August 7th, 2007. I have made the decision to go back to school full time to pursue a Masters degree.
I am thankful for having the opportunity to work in Marketing Systems over the last three years and I am committed to doing the best I can to teach and hand over my systems during the next two weeks.
Jonathan Szostak
7-25-2007
I am writing to inform you that my last day at Auto-Owners will be Tuesday August 7th, 2007. I have made the decision to go back to school full time to pursue a Masters degree.
I am thankful for having the opportunity to work in Marketing Systems over the last three years and I am committed to doing the best I can to teach and hand over my systems during the next two weeks.
Jonathan Szostak
7-25-2007
My First Letter To Maria - For My Own Reference
June 3, 2007
Maria,
I wanted to thank you again for taking a walk with me on Sunday night and for sharing about your discernment and everything else that you've gone through. I really enjoyed getting a chance to know you a bit better, and would have gladly shared more about myself, but it was late and I didn't think you'd want to be up all night.
And again I wanted to mention that I was impressed with how you acted towards Tara whether she was around or not. After Jon and I were done playing Frisbee on Sunday night I walked over to the bathroom to clean up since I was all sweaty. I ran into Tara and she came over to thank me and give me a big hug despite my smelliness. She had a really good time out on the raft, and part of that thanks goes to you.
I don't really want to admit it because its was selfish of me, but if you hadn't volunteered to go on her raft I'm not sure I would have. I was torn between getting on her raft so she would have a good time, or getting on the other raft because I thought you'd be on that one and I wanted a chance to get to know you a bit more. Really, the thanks that she gave to me on Sunday night should go to you.
Late in our conversation on Sunday I asked you what you were thinking about. You asked the same question back to me, but I didn't really answer it. There was one thing that was on my mind at the time that I didn't share. I was sitting there trying to soak in the moment - the glow of the moon in the sky, the canopy of trees above us, the peace and silence of the campground, but more than anything else: the fact that I was sitting next to you and I was given a chance to talk with you on a deeper level than 'small talk'. Part of me felt a great joy because I felt like I met a really special woman who I didn't even know existed three days before. Part of me felt sad because I knew the night was coming to a close and that I may never see you or talk to you again. I knew that no matter what happens, I can always look back on that night with fondness and say to myself "At least for those three hours, life was really good and I was exactly where I wanted to be".
Since then I've been doing some thinking and praying and I felt I should write you this letter to let you know that if it were up to me, Sunday night wouldn't be the last time I talked to you or saw you. I would enjoy the chance to get to know you better and to stay in touch.
I almost asked for your phone number before I left on Monday, but I decided to pray about it first. Now that I've done that: would you be willing to give me your number so that I could call you? Either way, you will probably be seeing me again. I was talking with Erin while packing up on Monday and she invited me to come play soccer with you guys sometime and I'm going to take her up on that once I find out where you play. Unfortunately you're going to find out that I'm not any better at playing soccer than I was at getting back into the raft.
What time did you get into Lansing? We made decent time and made it in town around 6:00. You could have almost made it to soccer in time if you arrived in town when we did. Hopefully you weren't too far behind us.
Have a wonderful week back at work and enjoy the pictures I'm sending with this letter. Hopefully I'll see you on the soccer field soon.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Maria,
I wanted to thank you again for taking a walk with me on Sunday night and for sharing about your discernment and everything else that you've gone through. I really enjoyed getting a chance to know you a bit better, and would have gladly shared more about myself, but it was late and I didn't think you'd want to be up all night.
And again I wanted to mention that I was impressed with how you acted towards Tara whether she was around or not. After Jon and I were done playing Frisbee on Sunday night I walked over to the bathroom to clean up since I was all sweaty. I ran into Tara and she came over to thank me and give me a big hug despite my smelliness. She had a really good time out on the raft, and part of that thanks goes to you.
I don't really want to admit it because its was selfish of me, but if you hadn't volunteered to go on her raft I'm not sure I would have. I was torn between getting on her raft so she would have a good time, or getting on the other raft because I thought you'd be on that one and I wanted a chance to get to know you a bit more. Really, the thanks that she gave to me on Sunday night should go to you.
Late in our conversation on Sunday I asked you what you were thinking about. You asked the same question back to me, but I didn't really answer it. There was one thing that was on my mind at the time that I didn't share. I was sitting there trying to soak in the moment - the glow of the moon in the sky, the canopy of trees above us, the peace and silence of the campground, but more than anything else: the fact that I was sitting next to you and I was given a chance to talk with you on a deeper level than 'small talk'. Part of me felt a great joy because I felt like I met a really special woman who I didn't even know existed three days before. Part of me felt sad because I knew the night was coming to a close and that I may never see you or talk to you again. I knew that no matter what happens, I can always look back on that night with fondness and say to myself "At least for those three hours, life was really good and I was exactly where I wanted to be".
Since then I've been doing some thinking and praying and I felt I should write you this letter to let you know that if it were up to me, Sunday night wouldn't be the last time I talked to you or saw you. I would enjoy the chance to get to know you better and to stay in touch.
I almost asked for your phone number before I left on Monday, but I decided to pray about it first. Now that I've done that: would you be willing to give me your number so that I could call you? Either way, you will probably be seeing me again. I was talking with Erin while packing up on Monday and she invited me to come play soccer with you guys sometime and I'm going to take her up on that once I find out where you play. Unfortunately you're going to find out that I'm not any better at playing soccer than I was at getting back into the raft.
What time did you get into Lansing? We made decent time and made it in town around 6:00. You could have almost made it to soccer in time if you arrived in town when we did. Hopefully you weren't too far behind us.
Have a wonderful week back at work and enjoy the pictures I'm sending with this letter. Hopefully I'll see you on the soccer field soon.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Monday, August 20, 2007
My Last Night In Lansing
It's over.
My last full day in Lansing and my last evening is over. It was a tough day, but it was a really good day. Maria and I had a few things we needed to iron out in our friendship before I headed off to school and we took the last 24 hours to pray about them and planned on talking after soccer. I didn't know how it was going to work out because Heidi was riding out to soccer with me and she usually wants to head home as soon as we are done playing.
That's where God started doing his thing, and looking back over the day's events I can see His hand in it all.
It was raining from the minute I woke up until I finally got home from Grand Rapids this evening. I wasn't happy about the rain earlier today because I thought that soccer would be called off. Thankfully the people out in Grand Rapids are as die hard as I am and they play in the rain. Heidi was just getting over a sinus infection so she didn't want to play soccer since it was wet and cold out, but the Adoration Chapel in Lansing is closed right now and they do have one out in Grand Rapids so she was willing to ride out there with me so that we could still spend time in the car together and she could go pray while I played soccer.
That gave Maria and I the chance we needed to talk about our friendship after soccer. We needed to discuss where it was going to go after I left for school as well as a working out a lot of unresolved things. We spent two hours talking after soccer and I felt so at peace by the end of the night.
We decided to just focus on our friendship and have no other expectations for anything. Both of us were able to detach ourselves romantically from each other and we're both at peace with trusting in God and allowing him to guide our friendship. I have no idea where things will go from here, but I'm excited about it either way. I feel like I'm free to go to Steubenville and completely have my focus on my life there without having my heart stuck in Grand Rapids with her. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm losing a really good friend because we are going to stay in touch and hopefully see each other when I come into town. It felt a lot less like a goodbye than it did yesterday when we decided to just go our separate ways and not really stay in touch. That wouldn't have worked for either of us.
Heidi wasn't exactly excited about me talking to Maria for so long. When I picked her up from adoration she asked me if she should 'Scream at me, kick me, punch me, or bite me'. Ouch.
She was really tired because she's still recovering from her trip to Australia and it was right around 11:00PM when I picked her up. We still had an hour trip home and then she had another 20 minute trip to get to her parents house. We talked things out during the first half of the ride home and everything is good between us. I thanked her for sacrificing for me and praying for me and let her know how important it was for Maria and I to talk.
Heidi slept for the rest of the trip home, and when we arrived in the commuter lot where I was dropping her off we got out of the car and had one last embrace before saying goodbye. Within an hour I said goodbye to two of my three best friends. Both goodbyes were really tough.
Nights like tonight make it tough to leave Lansing and head off to school. I am going to miss all of my friends a lot, but I know this is what God is calling me to do. I really look forward to seeing both Maria and Heidi again soon, but for now I have to keep my focus on going to school and doing the best I can down there.
My last full day in Lansing and my last evening is over. It was a tough day, but it was a really good day. Maria and I had a few things we needed to iron out in our friendship before I headed off to school and we took the last 24 hours to pray about them and planned on talking after soccer. I didn't know how it was going to work out because Heidi was riding out to soccer with me and she usually wants to head home as soon as we are done playing.
That's where God started doing his thing, and looking back over the day's events I can see His hand in it all.
It was raining from the minute I woke up until I finally got home from Grand Rapids this evening. I wasn't happy about the rain earlier today because I thought that soccer would be called off. Thankfully the people out in Grand Rapids are as die hard as I am and they play in the rain. Heidi was just getting over a sinus infection so she didn't want to play soccer since it was wet and cold out, but the Adoration Chapel in Lansing is closed right now and they do have one out in Grand Rapids so she was willing to ride out there with me so that we could still spend time in the car together and she could go pray while I played soccer.
That gave Maria and I the chance we needed to talk about our friendship after soccer. We needed to discuss where it was going to go after I left for school as well as a working out a lot of unresolved things. We spent two hours talking after soccer and I felt so at peace by the end of the night.
We decided to just focus on our friendship and have no other expectations for anything. Both of us were able to detach ourselves romantically from each other and we're both at peace with trusting in God and allowing him to guide our friendship. I have no idea where things will go from here, but I'm excited about it either way. I feel like I'm free to go to Steubenville and completely have my focus on my life there without having my heart stuck in Grand Rapids with her. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm losing a really good friend because we are going to stay in touch and hopefully see each other when I come into town. It felt a lot less like a goodbye than it did yesterday when we decided to just go our separate ways and not really stay in touch. That wouldn't have worked for either of us.
Heidi wasn't exactly excited about me talking to Maria for so long. When I picked her up from adoration she asked me if she should 'Scream at me, kick me, punch me, or bite me'. Ouch.
She was really tired because she's still recovering from her trip to Australia and it was right around 11:00PM when I picked her up. We still had an hour trip home and then she had another 20 minute trip to get to her parents house. We talked things out during the first half of the ride home and everything is good between us. I thanked her for sacrificing for me and praying for me and let her know how important it was for Maria and I to talk.
Heidi slept for the rest of the trip home, and when we arrived in the commuter lot where I was dropping her off we got out of the car and had one last embrace before saying goodbye. Within an hour I said goodbye to two of my three best friends. Both goodbyes were really tough.
Nights like tonight make it tough to leave Lansing and head off to school. I am going to miss all of my friends a lot, but I know this is what God is calling me to do. I really look forward to seeing both Maria and Heidi again soon, but for now I have to keep my focus on going to school and doing the best I can down there.
Another Letter To Maria
Maria,
I have about 18 hours left to pray about our friendship before I see you at soccer for the last time before I head down to school. I don't know what we'll decide, if we decide anything, but there are a few things I do know that I want you to remember.
First off, I really appreciate your openness and your honesty. You completely laid yourself out tonight when we were on the phone and you put your heart in my hands to either accept or reject. I know you felt that I had probably lost interest in you because of the roller coaster ride I've been on recently, but that's not true. I gained a lot of respect for you since you called, admitted that you've been been doing the best you can and that you realized that you made a mistake. I always feel you're honest with me, but your sincerity tonight rose to an all new level.
I'm also glad to see you growing in so many ways and learning about yourself and about life, partly due to our friendship. I really papreciated your apology ealier today for how you've treated me over the summer. Afer today I really feel like you have a very beautiful heart; moreso than I've felt before.
You're a good woman, Maria. I'm looking forward to talking to you Monday night.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
I have about 18 hours left to pray about our friendship before I see you at soccer for the last time before I head down to school. I don't know what we'll decide, if we decide anything, but there are a few things I do know that I want you to remember.
First off, I really appreciate your openness and your honesty. You completely laid yourself out tonight when we were on the phone and you put your heart in my hands to either accept or reject. I know you felt that I had probably lost interest in you because of the roller coaster ride I've been on recently, but that's not true. I gained a lot of respect for you since you called, admitted that you've been been doing the best you can and that you realized that you made a mistake. I always feel you're honest with me, but your sincerity tonight rose to an all new level.
I'm also glad to see you growing in so many ways and learning about yourself and about life, partly due to our friendship. I really papreciated your apology ealier today for how you've treated me over the summer. Afer today I really feel like you have a very beautiful heart; moreso than I've felt before.
You're a good woman, Maria. I'm looking forward to talking to you Monday night.
Your brother in Christ,
Jonathan
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The Trouble With Love Is - Part 2
Maria just called me. She decided that she really does like me and that she isn't okay with just letting me go when I got to Steubenville. She just couldn't admit it to herself and that she doesn't want to let me go after all.
Crap.
It sure was painful earlier today when we decided to let each other go and go our separate ways, but at least it was easy because I knew what was going to happen between us. I was going off to Steubenville and she was staying in Grand Rapids. We'd probably talk once a month or so, just to keep in touch, and that's where it was going to end. Now it's all up in the air again.
Today has been a depressing day because I've been struggling with letting go of her. I spent an hour on the phone crying to Heidi after I talked to Maria as I explained the situation and she consoled me. Heidi helped me to let go and start the process of moving on. Just as I got to that point Maria called and now I need to re-evaluate everything. I need to decide if that's really what God wants for us because after our phone conversation tonight I'm really not sure.
I wrote earlier that I thought it was best to just forget about each other and for me to be free to go to Steubenville and leave the possibility open for a relationship with a woman down there. I don't know if I still think that's the best thing. I need to make sure I really thought that and that I wasn't just telling it to myself to try and get over her.
Right now, Maria is thinking that now that I've seen her make a mistake and be hurt by it that I've probably lost any interest in her that I once had. The truth is, I gained a lot of respect for her tonight and I purposely didn't let her know that while we were on the phone. I really didn't want to give away where I was because I wanted her to seriously pray about what should happen between us without her really knowing where I was at.
When we talked this evening she was exactly the way that she's always been with me when we talk. Completely honest and willing to admit that she made a mistake and that she sees things differently now than she did earlier today. I let her talk for almost ten minutes before I started to let her know what I felt and she completely put her heart out there for me to either take or reject. It left no doubt in my mind that she was completely sincere about what she was saying and what she was feeling and that she wouldn't be changing her mind again anytime soon. I can deal with any mistakes that a person makes if they can be honest with themselves and admit to it. I've met very few people who can actually do that, which is why I think she's so special.
The only thing that kept me from making a decision on the phone is that over the summer she's showed a bit of interest in me when I've stopped showing her attention. As soon as I started showing her attention she usually stopped paying attention. That cycle continued for some time. I can't and won't hold that against her anymore though because she apologized for it earlier this afternoon without me even bringing it up. The fact that she's realizing so much about herself from our friendship and is growing from it is enough for me to believe it's a good thing to continue, although I really do feel she is a special girl and I don't want to let her drift away.
I'm going to pray a Rosary before bed and offer up our friendship as my Mass intention tomorrow morning as well as talk to Heidi about it. Then after soccer we'll get a chance to talk to each other about where things are going to go from here. That's going to be our last chance to see each other in person before I go off to school.
Crap.
It sure was painful earlier today when we decided to let each other go and go our separate ways, but at least it was easy because I knew what was going to happen between us. I was going off to Steubenville and she was staying in Grand Rapids. We'd probably talk once a month or so, just to keep in touch, and that's where it was going to end. Now it's all up in the air again.
Today has been a depressing day because I've been struggling with letting go of her. I spent an hour on the phone crying to Heidi after I talked to Maria as I explained the situation and she consoled me. Heidi helped me to let go and start the process of moving on. Just as I got to that point Maria called and now I need to re-evaluate everything. I need to decide if that's really what God wants for us because after our phone conversation tonight I'm really not sure.
I wrote earlier that I thought it was best to just forget about each other and for me to be free to go to Steubenville and leave the possibility open for a relationship with a woman down there. I don't know if I still think that's the best thing. I need to make sure I really thought that and that I wasn't just telling it to myself to try and get over her.
Right now, Maria is thinking that now that I've seen her make a mistake and be hurt by it that I've probably lost any interest in her that I once had. The truth is, I gained a lot of respect for her tonight and I purposely didn't let her know that while we were on the phone. I really didn't want to give away where I was because I wanted her to seriously pray about what should happen between us without her really knowing where I was at.
When we talked this evening she was exactly the way that she's always been with me when we talk. Completely honest and willing to admit that she made a mistake and that she sees things differently now than she did earlier today. I let her talk for almost ten minutes before I started to let her know what I felt and she completely put her heart out there for me to either take or reject. It left no doubt in my mind that she was completely sincere about what she was saying and what she was feeling and that she wouldn't be changing her mind again anytime soon. I can deal with any mistakes that a person makes if they can be honest with themselves and admit to it. I've met very few people who can actually do that, which is why I think she's so special.
The only thing that kept me from making a decision on the phone is that over the summer she's showed a bit of interest in me when I've stopped showing her attention. As soon as I started showing her attention she usually stopped paying attention. That cycle continued for some time. I can't and won't hold that against her anymore though because she apologized for it earlier this afternoon without me even bringing it up. The fact that she's realizing so much about herself from our friendship and is growing from it is enough for me to believe it's a good thing to continue, although I really do feel she is a special girl and I don't want to let her drift away.
I'm going to pray a Rosary before bed and offer up our friendship as my Mass intention tomorrow morning as well as talk to Heidi about it. Then after soccer we'll get a chance to talk to each other about where things are going to go from here. That's going to be our last chance to see each other in person before I go off to school.
The Trouble With Love Is
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin'
and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
I'm crying right now and I hurt inside. That could also be a summary of my life, but that's what's going on right now. On the plus side, my one major attachment is going to begin to dissapear rather quickly.
God brings people into my life often and allows me to help them grow and change. I do get something out of the relationships as well but I usually become attached to these people, especially when they are girls and it always hurts when they are taken out of my life.
I went to Mass after writing my last post about Maria and I did a lot of praying about our friendship. I knew that I needed to let her go and that I shouldn't be entertaining any thoughts or feelings of there being anything between us, but I really didn't want to. I knew God was asking me to go down to Steubenville without any attachments but at the same time I really wanted to hold on to Maria.
She sent me a text message while I was at Mass asking me to call her when we had time to talk and I called right away. We talked for over an hour about our friendship and without me saying anything, she told me that she was going to stop entertaining the possibility of there being anything between us and that I would always be JUST her friend Jonathan down at Steubenville. She wanted me to be free to pursue other relationships down there and she didn't think it would be wise for either of us to hold onto the other.
I completely agreed with her, I'm glad we talked about it so openly, but it still hurts like hell.
I know if I held onto her it would have just brought more pain over time to my life, yet that always seems like a better solution than going through a lot of pain right now.
The one thing that consoles me is that Maria let me know that she's really been able to grow and mature over the summer while we've been friends. I'm thankful I could help her out but at the same time I'm getting sick of God pulling people out of my life when I get attached to them. I'm sick of loving people and ending up hurt because they don't love me back the same way. It seems to be the same story over and over again. I'm ready to find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
Things never would have worked out between us and I agree with her when she says that I deserve someone who will love me better and won't take me for granted, but that doesn't make it hurt any less now.
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin'
and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
I'm crying right now and I hurt inside. That could also be a summary of my life, but that's what's going on right now. On the plus side, my one major attachment is going to begin to dissapear rather quickly.
God brings people into my life often and allows me to help them grow and change. I do get something out of the relationships as well but I usually become attached to these people, especially when they are girls and it always hurts when they are taken out of my life.
I went to Mass after writing my last post about Maria and I did a lot of praying about our friendship. I knew that I needed to let her go and that I shouldn't be entertaining any thoughts or feelings of there being anything between us, but I really didn't want to. I knew God was asking me to go down to Steubenville without any attachments but at the same time I really wanted to hold on to Maria.
She sent me a text message while I was at Mass asking me to call her when we had time to talk and I called right away. We talked for over an hour about our friendship and without me saying anything, she told me that she was going to stop entertaining the possibility of there being anything between us and that I would always be JUST her friend Jonathan down at Steubenville. She wanted me to be free to pursue other relationships down there and she didn't think it would be wise for either of us to hold onto the other.
I completely agreed with her, I'm glad we talked about it so openly, but it still hurts like hell.
I know if I held onto her it would have just brought more pain over time to my life, yet that always seems like a better solution than going through a lot of pain right now.
The one thing that consoles me is that Maria let me know that she's really been able to grow and mature over the summer while we've been friends. I'm thankful I could help her out but at the same time I'm getting sick of God pulling people out of my life when I get attached to them. I'm sick of loving people and ending up hurt because they don't love me back the same way. It seems to be the same story over and over again. I'm ready to find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
Things never would have worked out between us and I agree with her when she says that I deserve someone who will love me better and won't take me for granted, but that doesn't make it hurt any less now.
Maria
I've felt lonely inside since my party ended last night. I could try and convince myself that it's because I'm missing ALL of my friends, but I know it's not. I'm missing one person right now.
Maria.
We talked about our friendship earlier in the summer and she let me know that she didn't see me as anything other than a friend and I've been trying to convince myself all summer that I didn't have feelings for her.
That all changed last Thursday when we got together to spend a day at the beach and say goodbye. It's funny because it was the first time that just the two of us were hanging out and going into the day I thought it'd be the last time we spent one on one time together. We had joked about it being a date; I didn't expect it'd actually turn into one.
The day went as planned at first. I arrived at her place early in the morning and we watched the West Virginia rafting video that I had worked frantically to put together before leaving. We spent the next half hour getting food around and getting changed and ready to go to the beach. The car ride was nothing new, we had our same 'I pretty much disagree with everything your saying but I respect your opinion anyway' conversations that we normally have.
Actually, it's not that bad. For the most part we agree on certain things but she's very selfish in a lot of ways and I'm a very selfless person. She see's her selfishness at least, but she isn't at the point where she is willing to change.
When we arrived in Grand Haven we went to a park to run a trail that climbed up some sand dunes. It was a decent workout and good conversation. We drove over to the actual beach afterwards and set out our towels and sat down to talk and eat our grapes and lettuce leaves.
It wasn't a very tasty lunch but at least it wasn't going to make me fat.
Eventually our friendship came up in our conversation and I apologized for coming on so strongly and so quickly earlier in the summer. I talked about how I valued her as a friend and I was really glad that we were able to spend one last day together before I went off to school. On the outside I showed that I was okay with just being friends and that I was okay with moving on with my life. Inside I was mostly dettached from her and I was okay with the fact that I'd probably never hang out with her like this again.
Little did I know, things on both the outside and the inside were about to change.
During our conversation she started making comments about how I was going to go to Steubenville and how I would probably just forget about her. She had never said anything like this before, and I didn't think she would say it unless her interior feelings toward me had changed. I didn't press to find out more because I thought I was just reading her wrong though. Eventually our conversation stopped and we both layed down on our stomachs to get some rest and catch some sun rays.
A few minutes later her hand slid through the sand and under my towel. I thought about leaving it alone but I playfully pushed it out from under the towel. She let it hover there for a while on top of the sand and I put my hand on top of hers. Then I interlocked my fingers with hers, eventually my other arm was around her, and she was turned towards me and we were looking deep into each other's eyes.
"Do you like me, Jonathan?"
"In what way, Maria?"
The woman that I had wanted to have an interest in me all summer finally did, just as I had finally prepared my heart for moving on and being nothing more than friends. I've been wrestling with myself ever since. Part of me is excited because she is interested in me, part of me feels devistated because I leave for school in two days and we'll be over 7 hours away from each other.
I'm really struggling with whether or not to allow my heart to be attached to her, and why God allowed her heart to finally open up right before I leave for school. I was completely detached from everything here in town and ready to go away to school. Now I have another major thing that I am VERY attached too to deal with.
Maria.
We talked about our friendship earlier in the summer and she let me know that she didn't see me as anything other than a friend and I've been trying to convince myself all summer that I didn't have feelings for her.
That all changed last Thursday when we got together to spend a day at the beach and say goodbye. It's funny because it was the first time that just the two of us were hanging out and going into the day I thought it'd be the last time we spent one on one time together. We had joked about it being a date; I didn't expect it'd actually turn into one.
The day went as planned at first. I arrived at her place early in the morning and we watched the West Virginia rafting video that I had worked frantically to put together before leaving. We spent the next half hour getting food around and getting changed and ready to go to the beach. The car ride was nothing new, we had our same 'I pretty much disagree with everything your saying but I respect your opinion anyway' conversations that we normally have.
Actually, it's not that bad. For the most part we agree on certain things but she's very selfish in a lot of ways and I'm a very selfless person. She see's her selfishness at least, but she isn't at the point where she is willing to change.
When we arrived in Grand Haven we went to a park to run a trail that climbed up some sand dunes. It was a decent workout and good conversation. We drove over to the actual beach afterwards and set out our towels and sat down to talk and eat our grapes and lettuce leaves.
It wasn't a very tasty lunch but at least it wasn't going to make me fat.
Eventually our friendship came up in our conversation and I apologized for coming on so strongly and so quickly earlier in the summer. I talked about how I valued her as a friend and I was really glad that we were able to spend one last day together before I went off to school. On the outside I showed that I was okay with just being friends and that I was okay with moving on with my life. Inside I was mostly dettached from her and I was okay with the fact that I'd probably never hang out with her like this again.
Little did I know, things on both the outside and the inside were about to change.
During our conversation she started making comments about how I was going to go to Steubenville and how I would probably just forget about her. She had never said anything like this before, and I didn't think she would say it unless her interior feelings toward me had changed. I didn't press to find out more because I thought I was just reading her wrong though. Eventually our conversation stopped and we both layed down on our stomachs to get some rest and catch some sun rays.
A few minutes later her hand slid through the sand and under my towel. I thought about leaving it alone but I playfully pushed it out from under the towel. She let it hover there for a while on top of the sand and I put my hand on top of hers. Then I interlocked my fingers with hers, eventually my other arm was around her, and she was turned towards me and we were looking deep into each other's eyes.
"Do you like me, Jonathan?"
"In what way, Maria?"
The woman that I had wanted to have an interest in me all summer finally did, just as I had finally prepared my heart for moving on and being nothing more than friends. I've been wrestling with myself ever since. Part of me is excited because she is interested in me, part of me feels devistated because I leave for school in two days and we'll be over 7 hours away from each other.
I'm really struggling with whether or not to allow my heart to be attached to her, and why God allowed her heart to finally open up right before I leave for school. I was completely detached from everything here in town and ready to go away to school. Now I have another major thing that I am VERY attached too to deal with.
Two Years Makes A World Of A Difference
If I had thrown a goodbye party two years ago, I would have had my family show up.
And that's about it.
I had distanced myself from my friends, Jessica had left me, and my parents and brother were all I had left. I started building my life from scratch almost exactly two years ago: I started going out and being a part of the St. Thomas Aquinas young adults group, I made friends at Auto-Owners, I volunteered at the Mother Teresa House, I made new friends at MSU as I finished school and graduated. After two years of putting myself out there and doing the best I can to love people in the Lansing area it was time to move on. I wanted to say goodbye one last time so I threw a party and invited the people who meant the most to me.
46 people showed up, and tonight I realized for the first time just how many people's lives I've touched.
And that's about it.
I had distanced myself from my friends, Jessica had left me, and my parents and brother were all I had left. I started building my life from scratch almost exactly two years ago: I started going out and being a part of the St. Thomas Aquinas young adults group, I made friends at Auto-Owners, I volunteered at the Mother Teresa House, I made new friends at MSU as I finished school and graduated. After two years of putting myself out there and doing the best I can to love people in the Lansing area it was time to move on. I wanted to say goodbye one last time so I threw a party and invited the people who meant the most to me.
46 people showed up, and tonight I realized for the first time just how many people's lives I've touched.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
A Chapter Of Life Is Finished
I was able to spend the last 3 hours of my working life going around and saying my goodbyes to my friends/coworkers. I didn't realize how many people I knew there until it was time to say my goodbyes.
The hardest part came when it was time to say goodbye to Jennifer. She and I dated last year for about 7 months and we were really close and things were pretty serious between us. When we broke things off and she completely quit talking to me even though we sat 5 cubes apart - she wouldn't even acknowledge me if I said hello to her. Seeing her everyday and hearing her talking and laughing all day long was a hellish experience for me. I would never date her again, but I still love her soul and it was tough to have her pretend that I didn't even exist.
I wrestled with whether I should stop over and say goodbye to her and in the end I decided to do so. She promised 8 months ago when we broke up that if she ever left the company she would come over and say goodbye on her last day. I don't know if she would have still held true to that, but I wanted to keep my end of the deal.
I walked up to her cube and let her know I wanted to say goodbye, I wished her well with finishing her Masters degree, and I told her to take care of herself. She did respond to the last thing and let me know that she would take care of herself, but she didn't acknowledge anything else. I had nothing else to say so I headed back to my cubicle glad that I did my part but sad that someone who was once such a close friend is now so distant and cold. On one hand I'm relieved to know that I don't have to see her any longer, but I'm still saddened that we aren't even on talking terms and that it'll remain that way for the rest of our lives.
I walked out the door at Auto-Owners at 3:45 on Wednesday for the last time and I joined the world of unemployment. It's a strange feeling to know you aren't coming back to the place you've spent 8 hours of every weekday for the past 4 years. I'll never set foot in Auto-Owners again and I'll never see Jennifer again. Those pages have been written and it's time to let go and move on to the next part of my life.
The hardest part came when it was time to say goodbye to Jennifer. She and I dated last year for about 7 months and we were really close and things were pretty serious between us. When we broke things off and she completely quit talking to me even though we sat 5 cubes apart - she wouldn't even acknowledge me if I said hello to her. Seeing her everyday and hearing her talking and laughing all day long was a hellish experience for me. I would never date her again, but I still love her soul and it was tough to have her pretend that I didn't even exist.
I wrestled with whether I should stop over and say goodbye to her and in the end I decided to do so. She promised 8 months ago when we broke up that if she ever left the company she would come over and say goodbye on her last day. I don't know if she would have still held true to that, but I wanted to keep my end of the deal.
I walked up to her cube and let her know I wanted to say goodbye, I wished her well with finishing her Masters degree, and I told her to take care of herself. She did respond to the last thing and let me know that she would take care of herself, but she didn't acknowledge anything else. I had nothing else to say so I headed back to my cubicle glad that I did my part but sad that someone who was once such a close friend is now so distant and cold. On one hand I'm relieved to know that I don't have to see her any longer, but I'm still saddened that we aren't even on talking terms and that it'll remain that way for the rest of our lives.
I walked out the door at Auto-Owners at 3:45 on Wednesday for the last time and I joined the world of unemployment. It's a strange feeling to know you aren't coming back to the place you've spent 8 hours of every weekday for the past 4 years. I'll never set foot in Auto-Owners again and I'll never see Jennifer again. Those pages have been written and it's time to let go and move on to the next part of my life.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The Beginning Of The Goodbyes
It almost seems as if it isn't happening yet. At least reality hasn't quite set in.
Last Thursday was my last shift at the Mother Teresa house. Usually around 10:30PM, towards the end of my shift, everything is quiet and I have a chance to slip into the chapel and pray infront of the Blessed Sacrament. I was replaced at 11:00, so I had 30 minutes to try and reflect on my past 19 months spent taking care of the dying. I remembered all of the people I met, ranging from 53 to 98, who came to the house to die. Some of them were coherent and I was able to hold conversations with them, and there were others that we just did our best to take care of because they couldn't communicated. I really bonded with some of our guests and there were others that were there for such a short period of time that I barely knew their name.
I still remember the first woman I took care of as if I just saw her yesterday. She was 59; only two years older than my own mother. Her daughter and grandaughter often visited her and I remember realizing that at one point in time she was as full of life as her grandaughter, or she was a loving mother spending her energy raising her own daughter. That was all in the past though. When she was at the house she was a divorced woman who had almost no energy and who could barely talk. We had a lot of fun joking around when she did get the strength to talk, but that was few and far between.
My perspective on life changed a lot while I was working at the house. Seeing the regret in someones eyes when they are on their deathbed makes you think twice about your own decisions in life. I know it's changed how I make decisions for the most part. I'm not sure I would have ever gotten up the courage to head back to school if I didn't realize that I'd regret not taking the chance.
Last Thursday was my last shift at the Mother Teresa house. Usually around 10:30PM, towards the end of my shift, everything is quiet and I have a chance to slip into the chapel and pray infront of the Blessed Sacrament. I was replaced at 11:00, so I had 30 minutes to try and reflect on my past 19 months spent taking care of the dying. I remembered all of the people I met, ranging from 53 to 98, who came to the house to die. Some of them were coherent and I was able to hold conversations with them, and there were others that we just did our best to take care of because they couldn't communicated. I really bonded with some of our guests and there were others that were there for such a short period of time that I barely knew their name.
I still remember the first woman I took care of as if I just saw her yesterday. She was 59; only two years older than my own mother. Her daughter and grandaughter often visited her and I remember realizing that at one point in time she was as full of life as her grandaughter, or she was a loving mother spending her energy raising her own daughter. That was all in the past though. When she was at the house she was a divorced woman who had almost no energy and who could barely talk. We had a lot of fun joking around when she did get the strength to talk, but that was few and far between.
My perspective on life changed a lot while I was working at the house. Seeing the regret in someones eyes when they are on their deathbed makes you think twice about your own decisions in life. I know it's changed how I make decisions for the most part. I'm not sure I would have ever gotten up the courage to head back to school if I didn't realize that I'd regret not taking the chance.
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