The Trouble With Love Is - Part 2

Maria just called me. She decided that she really does like me and that she isn't okay with just letting me go when I got to Steubenville. She just couldn't admit it to herself and that she doesn't want to let me go after all.


Crap.

It sure was painful earlier today when we decided to let each other go and go our separate ways, but at least it was easy because I knew what was going to happen between us. I was going off to Steubenville and she was staying in Grand Rapids. We'd probably talk once a month or so, just to keep in touch, and that's where it was going to end. Now it's all up in the air again.

Today has been a depressing day because I've been struggling with letting go of her. I spent an hour on the phone crying to Heidi after I talked to Maria as I explained the situation and she consoled me. Heidi helped me to let go and start the process of moving on. Just as I got to that point Maria called and now I need to re-evaluate everything. I need to decide if that's really what God wants for us because after our phone conversation tonight I'm really not sure.

I wrote earlier that I thought it was best to just forget about each other and for me to be free to go to Steubenville and leave the possibility open for a relationship with a woman down there. I don't know if I still think that's the best thing. I need to make sure I really thought that and that I wasn't just telling it to myself to try and get over her.

Right now, Maria is thinking that now that I've seen her make a mistake and be hurt by it that I've probably lost any interest in her that I once had. The truth is, I gained a lot of respect for her tonight and I purposely didn't let her know that while we were on the phone. I really didn't want to give away where I was because I wanted her to seriously pray about what should happen between us without her really knowing where I was at.

When we talked this evening she was exactly the way that she's always been with me when we talk. Completely honest and willing to admit that she made a mistake and that she sees things differently now than she did earlier today. I let her talk for almost ten minutes before I started to let her know what I felt and she completely put her heart out there for me to either take or reject. It left no doubt in my mind that she was completely sincere about what she was saying and what she was feeling and that she wouldn't be changing her mind again anytime soon. I can deal with any mistakes that a person makes if they can be honest with themselves and admit to it. I've met very few people who can actually do that, which is why I think she's so special.

The only thing that kept me from making a decision on the phone is that over the summer she's showed a bit of interest in me when I've stopped showing her attention. As soon as I started showing her attention she usually stopped paying attention. That cycle continued for some time. I can't and won't hold that against her anymore though because she apologized for it earlier this afternoon without me even bringing it up. The fact that she's realizing so much about herself from our friendship and is growing from it is enough for me to believe it's a good thing to continue, although I really do feel she is a special girl and I don't want to let her drift away.

I'm going to pray a Rosary before bed and offer up our friendship as my Mass intention tomorrow morning as well as talk to Heidi about it. Then after soccer we'll get a chance to talk to each other about where things are going to go from here. That's going to be our last chance to see each other in person before I go off to school.