I Am That Boy No More

I feel so close to losing Maria right now. I'm scared and my heart aches.

Last Thursday we finally had the conversation that I was dreading. I had to tell her about my current struggles with masturbation and pornography and she even surprised me when she asked if I slept with Jennifer. I shamefully had to admit to it. Talking to her about those things was the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about with anyone. I knew that by being honest with her that I could completely ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I knew I HAD to talk to her about all the horrible things about my past, and unfortunately my present. I am ashamed of who I am and that these sins have been a part of my recent life. I feel like everything about me is really good, except for my purity. Even then it's only when I'm isolated that my purity becomes a struggle. That's a HUGE part of life though, and that HAS to change.

We were talking last night and she was telling me how she was struggling with trusting me right now. I know I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to be trusted because of what I've done, but at the same time I have completely humbled myself and layed myself out there for her. I've been 100% honest along the way with her and I've held nothing back. To hear that she is struggling with trusting me after that kills me.

What else can I do other than be completely honest with her? If that isn't good enough then nothing is. Then I'm not good enough for her. That's probably more true than I'd like to admit.

I really thought I might lose her last night when we were on the phone, and it's something that I need to be prepared for, yet until I do I need to keep giving my all to her. It's going to be hard, everything in me wants to pull back into my protective shell that I've so often put around myself both after a relationship has ended and even during a relationship when things aren't going well.

This is a REALLY good time for me though. In the past when I felt this way I would have turned to alcohol and to masturbation to temporarily pick up my emotions rather than facing up to what's going on. That isn't happening now and it's not going to happen. It's time to grow up and turn in to a man rather than being a cowering little boy who runs away from the real world and turns to his vices to get through.

I am that boy no more.