I need to get some things out tonight so that I don't make another bad choice today. I'm feeling really guilty and depressed about giving into masturbation earlier today. I'm all alone tonight and the guilt is weighing heavily on me. I know I deserve any bad feelings that I have and I'm not looking for sympathy for them.
In the past I've used alcohol to ignore the guilty feelings. It was a cycle for so many years for me: masturbate and then drink until I didn't feel guilty anymore. That's actually the reason I decided to give up alcohol - if I could break this cycle then I would have to at least face my guilt and it would give me more of an incentive to quit the habit.
Anyway, tonight I'm alone and feeling guilty and everything in me just wants a few drinks so that I can ignore the pain and bad feelings and feel happy. I'm not going to give into that, but I needed to write this so that I could make sure to do the right thing.
I'm so weak and so ashamed of who I am. I'm trying my hardest; sometimes I just worry that it's not enough. Today is 24 days without a drink though, and I don't plan on that changing.
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