I woke up at 4:30 last Thursday morning, drove almost 7 hours to Grand Rapids to surprise Maria, and ended up with just as big of a surprise as she did.
My two favorite bands, Relient K and Switchfoot, are on tour right now and the closest they were coming to Steubenville was a three hour drive.
They were going to be playing in Grand Rapids the following night, which was only another four hours away and since Maria lives there I thought it’d be fun to go to the concert with her.
Going to the concert and surprising her meant skipping two days worth of classes so I did give it a lot of thought to make sure that I could afford to miss my classes. I decided that this is something that I would always remember, so I packed my things Wednesday night and went to bed early so that I would be well rested.
I was excited about the concert, but I was even more excited about surprising Maria. She had no idea that I was coming up to go to the concert, let alone to see her. I formulated all kinds of plans and back up plans for how I was going to meet up with her. I had directions to all the different places I thought she might be at and I even had maps on my computer of Grand Rapids so I could find any other location that I needed to.
I knew she went to noon Mass on Thursdays since she has work off that day and I thought that would be the perfect place to meet up with her. I called around 11 to see how her day was going I found out that she had already gone to Mass and that she was going to be around her parents house for the next couple of hours. At the time, she was waiting for her dad to get out of the shower so that she could get in.
I waited half an hour to be sure that she would be in the shower and wouldn’t answer the phone, and then called her house in hopes of reaching her dad so that he could let me in. I explained the situation to him and he agreed to let me in as long as I could get there in the next five minutes. He had an appointment that he had to get too and there wasn’t anyone else home to let me in. Thankfully, I was only a block away when I talked to him so I hurried over and knocked on the door.
He let me in and I went into the living room to sit down and wait for Maria to get out of the shower. Meanwhile, her dad said goodbye to her and left the house. I had spent a lot of time thinking about how she was going to react when she first saw me. I had a million scenarios running through my head, both good and bad, and I was getting more and more nervous as the seconds ticked away.
Eventually I heard the door open and I was preparing myself for her to come around the corner and see me. A few moments later her head appeared and my brain kicked into gear to start to say something clever. As she rounded the corner and saw me for the first time, the following thoughts went through her head:
1) There’s someone in my house!
2) It’s Jonathan, I must be imagining him because I was just thinking of him.
3) No, it really IS Jonathan!
4) Oh my gosh, I’m completely NAKED
And that’s about the time that she screamed "Oh my God! Jonathan! What are you doing here?!" as she ran down the hallway and slammed the door shut to her parents room and locked herself inside.
That, my friends, is how memories are made.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Trying To Make The Right Choice
I need to get some things out tonight so that I don't make another bad choice today. I'm feeling really guilty and depressed about giving into masturbation earlier today. I'm all alone tonight and the guilt is weighing heavily on me. I know I deserve any bad feelings that I have and I'm not looking for sympathy for them.
In the past I've used alcohol to ignore the guilty feelings. It was a cycle for so many years for me: masturbate and then drink until I didn't feel guilty anymore. That's actually the reason I decided to give up alcohol - if I could break this cycle then I would have to at least face my guilt and it would give me more of an incentive to quit the habit.
Anyway, tonight I'm alone and feeling guilty and everything in me just wants a few drinks so that I can ignore the pain and bad feelings and feel happy. I'm not going to give into that, but I needed to write this so that I could make sure to do the right thing.
I'm so weak and so ashamed of who I am. I'm trying my hardest; sometimes I just worry that it's not enough. Today is 24 days without a drink though, and I don't plan on that changing.
In the past I've used alcohol to ignore the guilty feelings. It was a cycle for so many years for me: masturbate and then drink until I didn't feel guilty anymore. That's actually the reason I decided to give up alcohol - if I could break this cycle then I would have to at least face my guilt and it would give me more of an incentive to quit the habit.
Anyway, tonight I'm alone and feeling guilty and everything in me just wants a few drinks so that I can ignore the pain and bad feelings and feel happy. I'm not going to give into that, but I needed to write this so that I could make sure to do the right thing.
I'm so weak and so ashamed of who I am. I'm trying my hardest; sometimes I just worry that it's not enough. Today is 24 days without a drink though, and I don't plan on that changing.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Life In General
I need to work on making time every day to write in here. Right now the only time I'm ever taking time to write is when there's something awful going on. I guess that's partly because writing is a good way to get my emotions out and get my thoughts down on paper, but it's not a good way to keep track of my life. Most things that happen to me are good, they just never make it in here.
Maria and I talked shortly after my last entry and we've got everything worked out. She's really working hard on trusting me and I'm continuing to work on being a better man. It was a tough thing to deal with, and I'm still struggling with dealing about the guilt from my past mistakes and it's even harder to deal with my more recent struggles. I'm working very hard to try and live completely chaste and so far it's going well, but I have a long way to go before I'll be convinced that I've changed.
My parents came in town this weekend and it was really nice to get a chance to hang out with them. The only hard thing about it was that I didn't have much time to talk to Maria on the phone because I was spending so much time with them. It was good though because I hadn't ever had a chance to talk to them about her and this weekend gave me that chance. I would much rather be with her, but the next best thing is talking about her.
My parents did have a chance to meet her at my going away party and they had no idea at that time that we had any interest outside of being friends. I'm glad that they met that way because they were able to talk for over an hour so both of them got to see her in a different light than they would have if the first time they talked was when I introduced her as my girlfriend.
I'm going home this coming weekend because my friend Steve and Nicole are getting married and Maria will be coming into Lansing to spend the weekend with me. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her again. The distance is still really hard to deal with.
Maria and I talked shortly after my last entry and we've got everything worked out. She's really working hard on trusting me and I'm continuing to work on being a better man. It was a tough thing to deal with, and I'm still struggling with dealing about the guilt from my past mistakes and it's even harder to deal with my more recent struggles. I'm working very hard to try and live completely chaste and so far it's going well, but I have a long way to go before I'll be convinced that I've changed.
My parents came in town this weekend and it was really nice to get a chance to hang out with them. The only hard thing about it was that I didn't have much time to talk to Maria on the phone because I was spending so much time with them. It was good though because I hadn't ever had a chance to talk to them about her and this weekend gave me that chance. I would much rather be with her, but the next best thing is talking about her.
My parents did have a chance to meet her at my going away party and they had no idea at that time that we had any interest outside of being friends. I'm glad that they met that way because they were able to talk for over an hour so both of them got to see her in a different light than they would have if the first time they talked was when I introduced her as my girlfriend.
I'm going home this coming weekend because my friend Steve and Nicole are getting married and Maria will be coming into Lansing to spend the weekend with me. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her again. The distance is still really hard to deal with.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I Am That Boy No More
I feel so close to losing Maria right now. I'm scared and my heart aches.
Last Thursday we finally had the conversation that I was dreading. I had to tell her about my current struggles with masturbation and pornography and she even surprised me when she asked if I slept with Jennifer. I shamefully had to admit to it. Talking to her about those things was the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about with anyone. I knew that by being honest with her that I could completely ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I knew I HAD to talk to her about all the horrible things about my past, and unfortunately my present. I am ashamed of who I am and that these sins have been a part of my recent life. I feel like everything about me is really good, except for my purity. Even then it's only when I'm isolated that my purity becomes a struggle. That's a HUGE part of life though, and that HAS to change.
We were talking last night and she was telling me how she was struggling with trusting me right now. I know I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to be trusted because of what I've done, but at the same time I have completely humbled myself and layed myself out there for her. I've been 100% honest along the way with her and I've held nothing back. To hear that she is struggling with trusting me after that kills me.
What else can I do other than be completely honest with her? If that isn't good enough then nothing is. Then I'm not good enough for her. That's probably more true than I'd like to admit.
I really thought I might lose her last night when we were on the phone, and it's something that I need to be prepared for, yet until I do I need to keep giving my all to her. It's going to be hard, everything in me wants to pull back into my protective shell that I've so often put around myself both after a relationship has ended and even during a relationship when things aren't going well.
This is a REALLY good time for me though. In the past when I felt this way I would have turned to alcohol and to masturbation to temporarily pick up my emotions rather than facing up to what's going on. That isn't happening now and it's not going to happen. It's time to grow up and turn in to a man rather than being a cowering little boy who runs away from the real world and turns to his vices to get through.
I am that boy no more.
Last Thursday we finally had the conversation that I was dreading. I had to tell her about my current struggles with masturbation and pornography and she even surprised me when she asked if I slept with Jennifer. I shamefully had to admit to it. Talking to her about those things was the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about with anyone. I knew that by being honest with her that I could completely ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I knew I HAD to talk to her about all the horrible things about my past, and unfortunately my present. I am ashamed of who I am and that these sins have been a part of my recent life. I feel like everything about me is really good, except for my purity. Even then it's only when I'm isolated that my purity becomes a struggle. That's a HUGE part of life though, and that HAS to change.
We were talking last night and she was telling me how she was struggling with trusting me right now. I know I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to be trusted because of what I've done, but at the same time I have completely humbled myself and layed myself out there for her. I've been 100% honest along the way with her and I've held nothing back. To hear that she is struggling with trusting me after that kills me.
What else can I do other than be completely honest with her? If that isn't good enough then nothing is. Then I'm not good enough for her. That's probably more true than I'd like to admit.
I really thought I might lose her last night when we were on the phone, and it's something that I need to be prepared for, yet until I do I need to keep giving my all to her. It's going to be hard, everything in me wants to pull back into my protective shell that I've so often put around myself both after a relationship has ended and even during a relationship when things aren't going well.
This is a REALLY good time for me though. In the past when I felt this way I would have turned to alcohol and to masturbation to temporarily pick up my emotions rather than facing up to what's going on. That isn't happening now and it's not going to happen. It's time to grow up and turn in to a man rather than being a cowering little boy who runs away from the real world and turns to his vices to get through.
I am that boy no more.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The St. Raphael And St. Micheal Letter
September 21, 2007
Dearest Jonathan,
Strange for me to think that just over a month ago, I was completely single, unattached. Concerned primarily with, well, myself! Not in a bad way, it was where I was supposed to be. Seeking God's will in my life, enjoying being single, focusing on work, enjoying summer, playing soccer, line dancing, going to the beach, trying to become the best I could be in my present situation. And I did enjoy it. It was a special time for me in life. And I still enjoy all of those things and expect them to continue, to be part of my life (except the part about being single, of course!).
But my whole life has changed since we've been dating. Not so much in activity, but rather, in purpose. For, apart from talking and spending time with you, my day to day activities haven't really changed, and yet, everything seems so different!
I guess it's because I've changed. I'm different, and that's not bad. In fact it's very good! I've chosen this. I want this. I have no regrets. And yet, the fact that I may never be single again is a bit difficult for me to grasp! Really, singleness is all I've ever known! I've never had a boyfriend before! Never been in a real relationship.
Sure, I've had plenty of unhealthy situations and attachments, but, yeah, this is way different. Way better, but completely new territory for me! And realizing all that this relationship is and all that it may one day become is, in a certain sense, very frightening! Not frightening in the sense of an overwhelming fear, but rather, an awe and respectful reverence for the mystery in which we find ourselves. Getting to know one another, discovering one another. Letting ourselves be known to each other. In a sense, being completely naked. And hopefully, as it was in Genesis, "naked without shame".
And that's why I have no desire to hold anything back from you or hide anything from you, as far as it is appropriate to the present state of our relationship.
Jonathan, I wish I could better put into words all my thoughts and feelings. I fell so close to you. I feel united with you. I feel a bond and connection so real that it is not affected by time or distance. Hmm, and to think, this is still the very beginning!
Well, my love, I hope you had a beautiful time in West Virginia. I long to be with you, in such a beautiful place. Someday...
You're in my thoughts and prayers! I'm sending a hug and a kiss (don't worry, it's a very short kiss!)
Yours in Christ,
Love Always,
Maria Therese
PS: Jonathan, I love and respect you with all my heart. After reading the booklet about St. Raphael that I've included, I think you'll understand why I love him so much. I think he brought us together. I've been praying to him - I hope you like the little pocket token of St. Joseph, too! I love you!
Dearest Jonathan,
Strange for me to think that just over a month ago, I was completely single, unattached. Concerned primarily with, well, myself! Not in a bad way, it was where I was supposed to be. Seeking God's will in my life, enjoying being single, focusing on work, enjoying summer, playing soccer, line dancing, going to the beach, trying to become the best I could be in my present situation. And I did enjoy it. It was a special time for me in life. And I still enjoy all of those things and expect them to continue, to be part of my life (except the part about being single, of course!).
But my whole life has changed since we've been dating. Not so much in activity, but rather, in purpose. For, apart from talking and spending time with you, my day to day activities haven't really changed, and yet, everything seems so different!
I guess it's because I've changed. I'm different, and that's not bad. In fact it's very good! I've chosen this. I want this. I have no regrets. And yet, the fact that I may never be single again is a bit difficult for me to grasp! Really, singleness is all I've ever known! I've never had a boyfriend before! Never been in a real relationship.
Sure, I've had plenty of unhealthy situations and attachments, but, yeah, this is way different. Way better, but completely new territory for me! And realizing all that this relationship is and all that it may one day become is, in a certain sense, very frightening! Not frightening in the sense of an overwhelming fear, but rather, an awe and respectful reverence for the mystery in which we find ourselves. Getting to know one another, discovering one another. Letting ourselves be known to each other. In a sense, being completely naked. And hopefully, as it was in Genesis, "naked without shame".
And that's why I have no desire to hold anything back from you or hide anything from you, as far as it is appropriate to the present state of our relationship.
Jonathan, I wish I could better put into words all my thoughts and feelings. I fell so close to you. I feel united with you. I feel a bond and connection so real that it is not affected by time or distance. Hmm, and to think, this is still the very beginning!
Well, my love, I hope you had a beautiful time in West Virginia. I long to be with you, in such a beautiful place. Someday...
You're in my thoughts and prayers! I'm sending a hug and a kiss (don't worry, it's a very short kiss!)
Yours in Christ,
Love Always,
Maria Therese
PS: Jonathan, I love and respect you with all my heart. After reading the booklet about St. Raphael that I've included, I think you'll understand why I love him so much. I think he brought us together. I've been praying to him - I hope you like the little pocket token of St. Joseph, too! I love you!
August And September Text Messages
August 31 5:56PM
Maria: You've been in mine all day as well. And wow have I been smiling a lot today!
September 1 2:52PM
Maria: Vball was great. Finally used tv. Keep an eye on your mailbox ;-) looking forward to talking tomorrow!
September , 11:58PM
Maria: I don't really think you're boastful.
September 7, 12:11AM
Maria: I got it, thank you so much. No more slappign I promise. Goodnight!
September 8, 1:12PM
Maria: Perfect timing! Lunch break. Last night was good. Stars were beautiful at 3AM! Have an awesome day, in my thoughts as well.
September 10, 5:02AM
Maria: I'm happy to be your girl! And so thankful that God has blessed me with a man as wonderful as you!
September 10, 6:46PM
Maria: You're the best! Thank you so much for the honest and heartfelt letter and cd. I can't wait to listen to it!
September 11, 12:44AM
Your love and forgiveness are so much better than momentary emotions any day! Thank you for bringing Christ's love to me.
September 11, 5:50PM
Maria: I'm thinking we need to wrstle tonight. Are you up for it tonight, around 9 or 9:30?
September 11, 6:10PM
Maria: Bring it on baby!
September 11, 7:18PM
Maria: I think tonight we should pray at the beginning of our patient and understanding conversation!
September 13, 11:18PM
Maria: Less than two days! I'm getting very excited! And I really like texting! I'm so glad you're my man!
September 14, 12:26AM
Jonathan: I've been super excited ever since I got off the phone with you. I got home and showed ur pic 2 everyone & told them about seeing u in 2 days!
September 14, 12:29AM
Maria: Have an awesome day tomorrow! Goodnight and God bless!
September 14, 2:05AM
Jonathan: 11 hours until I leave! Im off to bed for now. Have a great day tomorrow! May God bless you, my beautiful girlfriend! :-)
September 14, 8:58AM
Jonathan: Your parents must really need prayers! Will fill you in later. Have a wonderful morning!
September 14, 1:16PM
Maria: Drive safely, I'm looking forward to seeing you!
September 15, 9:18AM
Jonathan: I'm headed out to see you! I decided that only wanted to hear your voice in person today, hence the txt message. See you in 45 mins to an hour!
September 17, 9:13AM
Jonathan: Thank you for talking to me for most of the ride home-it went by fast! & thank you for caring enough about me that you were worried about me getting home safely
September 17, 1:17PM
Maria: I love you! I'm looking forward to talking tonight.
September 18, 12:34AM
Maria: I am sooo thankful for you. Buenas noches.
September 18, 12:59PM
Maria: I am a better person because of you. Thank you for all your prayers, patience and support.
September 18, 1:07PM
Jonathan: Thank you-it is Gods grace working in my life that allows me to help you draw closer to Him. Ive spent the day agonizing over how I dont deserve you and trying to figure out how I can make myself into a better man-one worthy of your heart.
September 20, 2:03AM
Maria: It takes a lot of courage to admit to our struggles! You are still just as strong in my eyes!
September 20, 12:29PM
Maria: Mm I smell like you! I'll explain later! I'm very at peace and content-hope u r 2! Luv u, babe!
September 20, 12:43PM
Jonathan: !Buenas tarde senorita Maria! Hope your day is going as well as mine. I rly enjoyed talking w. U last night! You r such an amazing gift to me. Te hablo a luego. PS: I know that last sentence was awful.
September 20, 1:18PM
Maria: I love you soooo much!
September 21, 1:51AM
Jonathan: Haha! Best voicemail ever! ...So you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water(silence)that was the sound of me drinking my water. Classic! I love you.
September 21, 12:46PM
Maria: I never get tired of hearing u tell me u love me. Thanks for the calls. I love u and miss u!
September 21, 12:56PM
Jonathan: Doing anything over lunch? You can call if not.
September 22, 3:04AM
Jonathan: Wow-It was a crazy night! It was hard to not drink with my buddies but Im so glad I didnt. i just spent an hour talking 2 Jon and he is a mess. Thx 4 praying
September 22, 1:39PM
Jonathan: You'll be excited to know that I was able to read all of Tobit today! So far the day is goign really well. We are 2 hours from the river right now. I love you!
September 22, 6:37PM
Maria: I love you! Thank you for believing in me!
September 22, 6:56PM
Jonathan: Im at Pies and Pints and wishing you were with me! Have a great time line dancing with your family. I love you and Im so glad ur my girlfriend!
September 22, 9:11PM
Maria: Hi sweetie! I'm on my way to line dancing and thinking about u! U r the one for me, Babe! Luv u!
September 22, 10:58PM
Jonathan: Thank you for all of your prayers and for helping me to always strive to be a better man!
September 23, 3:13PM
Maria: Im glad u r safe! Looking forward to talking later! Love you!
September 24, 12:07AM
Jonathan: I really want 2 talk but I don't have the heart to call again and wake you. Call if ur up, otherwise have an awesome day in Chicago! I love you!
September 24, 9:08AM
Maria: Hi darling! I successfully went to the bathroom on the train!
September 24 9:10AM
Maria: Thanks for the wake up call this morning!
September 24, 9:12AM
Maria: My heart is yours! I love you so much! You are amazing!
September 24, 9:28AM
Jonathan: Im proud of you for using the bathroom on the train! U go girl! Have a great time 2day-you r in my thoughts and prayers. Thx 4 the txt messages. I love my girl!
September 24, 6:57PM
Jonathan: I want to be with you so badly right now!
September 24, 7:01PM
Maria: Well, bathroom experience not quite as successful so far! We'll see! Cant wait to talk to u! Love u!
September 24, 7:04PM
Maria: The feeling is mutual!
September 24, 7:06PM
Jonathan: I have faith in you that you can pee. You can do it!!!! Yay Maria, let it flow :-)
September 24, 7:24PM
Maria: Wow! My own personal bathroom anxiety cheerleader! We'll see what I can do.
September 24, 9:08PM
Maria: So there is a great beatles song: i wanna hold your hand. U r prbly not surprised that i like that 1!
September 24, 11:23PM
I like the Beatles song, but I wrote my own called 'I Want To Talk To My Girl' I like it better. Hope your safe!
September 25, 11:22AM
Jonathan: I realyl want 2 tell u how amazing I think you are, but your VM is full. also we need an intention 2day. Lets pray 4 David & Morgan. I love you!
September 25, 2:00PM
Jonathan: I'm available for the rest of the day so feel free to call whenever!
September 26, 2:29AM
Maria: 5.5 hours we've officially beat our record!
September 2, 8:02AM
Jonathan: And yet I wish we had more than 5.5 hours to talk. I love talking to you and I love you! Please pray for my test.
September 26, 8:22AM
Maria: You can do it, Sweetie! I believe in you! I love you too.
September 26, 9:00PM
Jonathan: Are you doing anything tonight or are you free 2 talk whenever?
September 27, 4:03AM
Jonathan: Im sorry 4 complaining so much and being so tired and stressed. I feel like such a bad boyfriend. Im glad we talked. I love you and trust in you.
September 27, 4:29AM
Maria: I hope u r getting some sleep! Thanks for the message. I love you and i DO trust you too.
September 27, 11:14AM
Jonathan: Thank you 4 the email, it aws good to hear. Would you be available to talk aroudn 200? I wont keep you 4 long. Have a great day. I love you
September 27, 11:49AM
Jonathan: I told u last night that I wasnt going to go to Mass today cause of school and lack of sleep. Thats not true and Im sorry 4 saying it. Ill be going
September 27, 1:35PM
Maria: I should be available at two or shortly after, I'll ttyl.
September 27, 4:45PM
Jonathan: I dont know if Ill hear from you tonight and I didnt get a chance to thank you for the letter, or St Raphael book, or St Joseph Medal. They all meant a lot to me
September 27, 5:21PM
Maria: U r welcome-I meant what i wrote and I'd like to call around nine if that is okay
September 27, 5:24PM
Jonathan: Ill look forawrd to talking then. Not sure Id sleep 2night if we didn't talk. Well get u 2 bed at a good hour :-)
Maria: You've been in mine all day as well. And wow have I been smiling a lot today!
September 1 2:52PM
Maria: Vball was great. Finally used tv. Keep an eye on your mailbox ;-) looking forward to talking tomorrow!
September , 11:58PM
Maria: I don't really think you're boastful.
September 7, 12:11AM
Maria: I got it, thank you so much. No more slappign I promise. Goodnight!
September 8, 1:12PM
Maria: Perfect timing! Lunch break. Last night was good. Stars were beautiful at 3AM! Have an awesome day, in my thoughts as well.
September 10, 5:02AM
Maria: I'm happy to be your girl! And so thankful that God has blessed me with a man as wonderful as you!
September 10, 6:46PM
Maria: You're the best! Thank you so much for the honest and heartfelt letter and cd. I can't wait to listen to it!
September 11, 12:44AM
Your love and forgiveness are so much better than momentary emotions any day! Thank you for bringing Christ's love to me.
September 11, 5:50PM
Maria: I'm thinking we need to wrstle tonight. Are you up for it tonight, around 9 or 9:30?
September 11, 6:10PM
Maria: Bring it on baby!
September 11, 7:18PM
Maria: I think tonight we should pray at the beginning of our patient and understanding conversation!
September 13, 11:18PM
Maria: Less than two days! I'm getting very excited! And I really like texting! I'm so glad you're my man!
September 14, 12:26AM
Jonathan: I've been super excited ever since I got off the phone with you. I got home and showed ur pic 2 everyone & told them about seeing u in 2 days!
September 14, 12:29AM
Maria: Have an awesome day tomorrow! Goodnight and God bless!
September 14, 2:05AM
Jonathan: 11 hours until I leave! Im off to bed for now. Have a great day tomorrow! May God bless you, my beautiful girlfriend! :-)
September 14, 8:58AM
Jonathan: Your parents must really need prayers! Will fill you in later. Have a wonderful morning!
September 14, 1:16PM
Maria: Drive safely, I'm looking forward to seeing you!
September 15, 9:18AM
Jonathan: I'm headed out to see you! I decided that only wanted to hear your voice in person today, hence the txt message. See you in 45 mins to an hour!
September 17, 9:13AM
Jonathan: Thank you for talking to me for most of the ride home-it went by fast! & thank you for caring enough about me that you were worried about me getting home safely
September 17, 1:17PM
Maria: I love you! I'm looking forward to talking tonight.
September 18, 12:34AM
Maria: I am sooo thankful for you. Buenas noches.
September 18, 12:59PM
Maria: I am a better person because of you. Thank you for all your prayers, patience and support.
September 18, 1:07PM
Jonathan: Thank you-it is Gods grace working in my life that allows me to help you draw closer to Him. Ive spent the day agonizing over how I dont deserve you and trying to figure out how I can make myself into a better man-one worthy of your heart.
September 20, 2:03AM
Maria: It takes a lot of courage to admit to our struggles! You are still just as strong in my eyes!
September 20, 12:29PM
Maria: Mm I smell like you! I'll explain later! I'm very at peace and content-hope u r 2! Luv u, babe!
September 20, 12:43PM
Jonathan: !Buenas tarde senorita Maria! Hope your day is going as well as mine. I rly enjoyed talking w. U last night! You r such an amazing gift to me. Te hablo a luego. PS: I know that last sentence was awful.
September 20, 1:18PM
Maria: I love you soooo much!
September 21, 1:51AM
Jonathan: Haha! Best voicemail ever! ...So you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water(silence)that was the sound of me drinking my water. Classic! I love you.
September 21, 12:46PM
Maria: I never get tired of hearing u tell me u love me. Thanks for the calls. I love u and miss u!
September 21, 12:56PM
Jonathan: Doing anything over lunch? You can call if not.
September 22, 3:04AM
Jonathan: Wow-It was a crazy night! It was hard to not drink with my buddies but Im so glad I didnt. i just spent an hour talking 2 Jon and he is a mess. Thx 4 praying
September 22, 1:39PM
Jonathan: You'll be excited to know that I was able to read all of Tobit today! So far the day is goign really well. We are 2 hours from the river right now. I love you!
September 22, 6:37PM
Maria: I love you! Thank you for believing in me!
September 22, 6:56PM
Jonathan: Im at Pies and Pints and wishing you were with me! Have a great time line dancing with your family. I love you and Im so glad ur my girlfriend!
September 22, 9:11PM
Maria: Hi sweetie! I'm on my way to line dancing and thinking about u! U r the one for me, Babe! Luv u!
September 22, 10:58PM
Jonathan: Thank you for all of your prayers and for helping me to always strive to be a better man!
September 23, 3:13PM
Maria: Im glad u r safe! Looking forward to talking later! Love you!
September 24, 12:07AM
Jonathan: I really want 2 talk but I don't have the heart to call again and wake you. Call if ur up, otherwise have an awesome day in Chicago! I love you!
September 24, 9:08AM
Maria: Hi darling! I successfully went to the bathroom on the train!
September 24 9:10AM
Maria: Thanks for the wake up call this morning!
September 24, 9:12AM
Maria: My heart is yours! I love you so much! You are amazing!
September 24, 9:28AM
Jonathan: Im proud of you for using the bathroom on the train! U go girl! Have a great time 2day-you r in my thoughts and prayers. Thx 4 the txt messages. I love my girl!
September 24, 6:57PM
Jonathan: I want to be with you so badly right now!
September 24, 7:01PM
Maria: Well, bathroom experience not quite as successful so far! We'll see! Cant wait to talk to u! Love u!
September 24, 7:04PM
Maria: The feeling is mutual!
September 24, 7:06PM
Jonathan: I have faith in you that you can pee. You can do it!!!! Yay Maria, let it flow :-)
September 24, 7:24PM
Maria: Wow! My own personal bathroom anxiety cheerleader! We'll see what I can do.
September 24, 9:08PM
Maria: So there is a great beatles song: i wanna hold your hand. U r prbly not surprised that i like that 1!
September 24, 11:23PM
I like the Beatles song, but I wrote my own called 'I Want To Talk To My Girl' I like it better. Hope your safe!
September 25, 11:22AM
Jonathan: I realyl want 2 tell u how amazing I think you are, but your VM is full. also we need an intention 2day. Lets pray 4 David & Morgan. I love you!
September 25, 2:00PM
Jonathan: I'm available for the rest of the day so feel free to call whenever!
September 26, 2:29AM
Maria: 5.5 hours we've officially beat our record!
September 2, 8:02AM
Jonathan: And yet I wish we had more than 5.5 hours to talk. I love talking to you and I love you! Please pray for my test.
September 26, 8:22AM
Maria: You can do it, Sweetie! I believe in you! I love you too.
September 26, 9:00PM
Jonathan: Are you doing anything tonight or are you free 2 talk whenever?
September 27, 4:03AM
Jonathan: Im sorry 4 complaining so much and being so tired and stressed. I feel like such a bad boyfriend. Im glad we talked. I love you and trust in you.
September 27, 4:29AM
Maria: I hope u r getting some sleep! Thanks for the message. I love you and i DO trust you too.
September 27, 11:14AM
Jonathan: Thank you 4 the email, it aws good to hear. Would you be available to talk aroudn 200? I wont keep you 4 long. Have a great day. I love you
September 27, 11:49AM
Jonathan: I told u last night that I wasnt going to go to Mass today cause of school and lack of sleep. Thats not true and Im sorry 4 saying it. Ill be going
September 27, 1:35PM
Maria: I should be available at two or shortly after, I'll ttyl.
September 27, 4:45PM
Jonathan: I dont know if Ill hear from you tonight and I didnt get a chance to thank you for the letter, or St Raphael book, or St Joseph Medal. They all meant a lot to me
September 27, 5:21PM
Maria: U r welcome-I meant what i wrote and I'd like to call around nine if that is okay
September 27, 5:24PM
Jonathan: Ill look forawrd to talking then. Not sure Id sleep 2night if we didn't talk. Well get u 2 bed at a good hour :-)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Voicemail Quotes From Last Week
Maria left me a voicemail last week that left me rolling on the floor. I thought I'd post some of the best quotes from it:
"I can have a more...better...one. Yeah, a more better one."
"Maybe people broke into your appartment and abducted you and are now forcing you to smoke some hookah in the basement."
"I don't know what else to say, so you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water (silence) that was the sound of me drinking my water."
"I'm going to regret leaving this voice message, I think."
"I can have a more...better...one. Yeah, a more better one."
"Maybe people broke into your appartment and abducted you and are now forcing you to smoke some hookah in the basement."
"I don't know what else to say, so you can just listen to me breathe and drink my water (silence) that was the sound of me drinking my water."
"I'm going to regret leaving this voice message, I think."
A Quick Update
Life has been so busy lately that I haven't had the time to write about it. I really need to make it a priority, and I'm going to try and do better. There's been a lot of really great things, as well as really tough things, that have happened over the last week and a half since I've arrived back at school. I wish I had the time to go into more detail, but for now a brief overview will have to do.
Almost two weeks ago I decided to give up alcohol for a while. My next drink will be the toast at the wedding I'm going to in mid October. It was hard at first to not drink when I went to parties or out with people, but I'm getting used to it now and I'm glad I'm taking a break from it. It's actually a lot easier than I imagined it would be.
I spent last weekend down in Fayetteville, WV camping and white water rafting. My friend Steve is getting married in three weeks (The next time I get to see Maria!) and he wanted to go white water rafting for his bachelor party. He came down with a bunch of my buddies from Lansing and we had a really good time. It's a different going to a bachelor party and staying completely sober when everyone else is drinking, but if nothing else it gave me a different perspective on drinking.
Things between Maria and I are still going really well. We make sure to talk every night and I feel very satisfied with where we are at right now. The distance is hard, and always will be, but our hearts are growing closer and that's what matters. I've really been able to grow a lot as a person while we've been together - partly because of her and partly because of the environment I'm living in right now. She's definitely a very special girl and there's a lot of potential for our relationship; she's a big blessing to me.
I've had tests in four of my six classes so far and received grades on three of those tests. I'm getting an A in all three of those classes so far (Intro to Psych, Spanish, Foundations of Catholicism) and I'm hoping for a B in Biology, which I just took today. I have tests in the other two classes coming up at the end of this week and the beginning of next week. I've definitely been plenty busy studying lately!
Life is treating me very well overall and I'm still very thankful that I took the risk to go back to school and to leave Auto-Owners behind. I just can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I was still there and spending my days wishing I was doing something else.
Almost two weeks ago I decided to give up alcohol for a while. My next drink will be the toast at the wedding I'm going to in mid October. It was hard at first to not drink when I went to parties or out with people, but I'm getting used to it now and I'm glad I'm taking a break from it. It's actually a lot easier than I imagined it would be.
I spent last weekend down in Fayetteville, WV camping and white water rafting. My friend Steve is getting married in three weeks (The next time I get to see Maria!) and he wanted to go white water rafting for his bachelor party. He came down with a bunch of my buddies from Lansing and we had a really good time. It's a different going to a bachelor party and staying completely sober when everyone else is drinking, but if nothing else it gave me a different perspective on drinking.
Things between Maria and I are still going really well. We make sure to talk every night and I feel very satisfied with where we are at right now. The distance is hard, and always will be, but our hearts are growing closer and that's what matters. I've really been able to grow a lot as a person while we've been together - partly because of her and partly because of the environment I'm living in right now. She's definitely a very special girl and there's a lot of potential for our relationship; she's a big blessing to me.
I've had tests in four of my six classes so far and received grades on three of those tests. I'm getting an A in all three of those classes so far (Intro to Psych, Spanish, Foundations of Catholicism) and I'm hoping for a B in Biology, which I just took today. I have tests in the other two classes coming up at the end of this week and the beginning of next week. I've definitely been plenty busy studying lately!
Life is treating me very well overall and I'm still very thankful that I took the risk to go back to school and to leave Auto-Owners behind. I just can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I was still there and spending my days wishing I was doing something else.
Photograph
"Every memory of looking out the back door
I have a photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
its hard to say it,
it's time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye"
-Nickelback (Photograph)
September 18, 2007
Dear Jonathan,
When I got home from work today, I looked through a bunch of photos from my life before I had met you. Pictures of my family and friends, pictures of trips I've taken. Looking through pictures always stirs up a wide range of emotions. Well, I guess it's mostly bittersweet feelings!
I'm so happy and thankful for the good times and friends I've had, and yet, looking at photos reminds me that those times are over, gone, finished. Everyone has changed. Now, of course, that's not really a bad thing at all. It means people have grown, moved forward with their lives, and most of the people I still have contact with.
Anyway, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." And I'm very excited about this new beginning of our relationship! I can't wait to start making new memories with you! I'm looking forward to spending time with you, dancing with you, praying with you, laughing with you, sharing (yup, I said sharing!) with you, learning about you, growing with you, playing air hockey and any other games with you, going to the beach with you, just being outside with you, walking with you, running (well, you'll still be walking) with you, travelling with you, overcoming challenges with you, hoping and dreaming with you. And of course having plenty of pictures of all of it!
All that being said, I do hope sometime I can show you all the pictures I was looking at today, tell you about the people in them, the experiences I had, for they have all been so important in influencing who I am today, and are very much a part of me. I'm also looking forward to you meeting more of my family and friends. And I look forward to meeting yours, to learning more about you, the people and experiences that have helped make you who you are today. Maybe you have some photos from your past you could show me sometime?
I love and respect you so much!
Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese
(Maite)
I have a photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
its hard to say it,
it's time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye"
-Nickelback (Photograph)
September 18, 2007
Dear Jonathan,
When I got home from work today, I looked through a bunch of photos from my life before I had met you. Pictures of my family and friends, pictures of trips I've taken. Looking through pictures always stirs up a wide range of emotions. Well, I guess it's mostly bittersweet feelings!
I'm so happy and thankful for the good times and friends I've had, and yet, looking at photos reminds me that those times are over, gone, finished. Everyone has changed. Now, of course, that's not really a bad thing at all. It means people have grown, moved forward with their lives, and most of the people I still have contact with.
Anyway, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." And I'm very excited about this new beginning of our relationship! I can't wait to start making new memories with you! I'm looking forward to spending time with you, dancing with you, praying with you, laughing with you, sharing (yup, I said sharing!) with you, learning about you, growing with you, playing air hockey and any other games with you, going to the beach with you, just being outside with you, walking with you, running (well, you'll still be walking) with you, travelling with you, overcoming challenges with you, hoping and dreaming with you. And of course having plenty of pictures of all of it!
All that being said, I do hope sometime I can show you all the pictures I was looking at today, tell you about the people in them, the experiences I had, for they have all been so important in influencing who I am today, and are very much a part of me. I'm also looking forward to you meeting more of my family and friends. And I look forward to meeting yours, to learning more about you, the people and experiences that have helped make you who you are today. Maybe you have some photos from your past you could show me sometime?
I love and respect you so much!
Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese
(Maite)
An Old Letter From Maria 8-24-2007
August 24, 2007
Dear Jonathan,
Hi! How are you? I'm doing pretty well, settling back down into my usual routines and activities after the roller coaster ride I feel like I've been on lately! My friend Anthony and I are going to hang out tomorrow. He has been a really good friend and we haev a lot of fun together. I'm looking forward to it, but I can't help but wish that I was able to be hanging out with you :-(
Still, I'm so excited for you as you begin this school year and I aws happy to hear taht you've already been meeting people and thinking about different activities that you want to get involved in! I hoep this year is incredible and I'm so glad you're determined to make the most out of this opportunity! I still hope we'll be able to hang out when you come home!
God bless you always,
Maria Therese
Dear Jonathan,
Hi! How are you? I'm doing pretty well, settling back down into my usual routines and activities after the roller coaster ride I feel like I've been on lately! My friend Anthony and I are going to hang out tomorrow. He has been a really good friend and we haev a lot of fun together. I'm looking forward to it, but I can't help but wish that I was able to be hanging out with you :-(
Still, I'm so excited for you as you begin this school year and I aws happy to hear taht you've already been meeting people and thinking about different activities that you want to get involved in! I hoep this year is incredible and I'm so glad you're determined to make the most out of this opportunity! I still hope we'll be able to hang out when you come home!
God bless you always,
Maria Therese
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
No hay nada como volver a casa
I had an awesome time with Maria this weekend. It was good to see her, it was necessary to see her. I was already at peace with our relationship before spending the weekend with her, but I'm even more sure about it after being with her.
I cherished every second that we were together and it was very hard to leave at the end of the weekend. There may be a six hour drive between us but I wouldn't want to be dating anyone else.
I cherished every second that we were together and it was very hard to leave at the end of the weekend. There may be a six hour drive between us but I wouldn't want to be dating anyone else.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Home Free!
I survived my first two tests and I feel like I did really well. I spent the afternoon trying to get caught up on Spanish homework before I head home for the weekend. I just have two classes tomorrow and then I'm heading to Lansing. I'm planning on meeting up with Jeff and Stephen for dinner and then getting together with Heidi for a quick drink before I head to my parents house to get some sleep. It's going to be strange sleeping there rather than in my old house. It certainly won't feel like home; my home is in Steubenville. Or, if you want to get poetic than my home is in Grand Rapids with Maria, where my heart is.
I'm not heading to Lansing to hang out with people though, it's just a stop along the way to my ultimate goal. I'll be taking off early on Saturday morning and heading out to Grand Rapids and I'm going to get to see Maria for the first time since we started dating. Yeah, it still seems crazy that we started dating AFTER I left town, but I'm glad that we are.
We've had a chance to talk almost every day and I'm content with how things are going. I would love to share a lot more of my life with her, but that's not possible right now and I'm okay with that - at least for the next 36 hours. I actually think that it's going to get harder after this weekend. We are at least somewhat used to not seeing each other right now and only having the phone to communicate. After spending two days with her I know that I'm going to have a much harder time being away.
For now I have the weekend to look forward.
I'm not heading to Lansing to hang out with people though, it's just a stop along the way to my ultimate goal. I'll be taking off early on Saturday morning and heading out to Grand Rapids and I'm going to get to see Maria for the first time since we started dating. Yeah, it still seems crazy that we started dating AFTER I left town, but I'm glad that we are.
We've had a chance to talk almost every day and I'm content with how things are going. I would love to share a lot more of my life with her, but that's not possible right now and I'm okay with that - at least for the next 36 hours. I actually think that it's going to get harder after this weekend. We are at least somewhat used to not seeing each other right now and only having the phone to communicate. After spending two days with her I know that I'm going to have a much harder time being away.
For now I have the weekend to look forward.
Don't Give Up On Love
Our society as a whole has a problem - we've forgotten how to love. Maybe some people have never learned.
I just found out that a guy I know is getting a divorce after only being married for nine months. What's the reason for it? His wife just decided one day that she didn't FEEL like being married anymore and that she enjoyed being single more, so she's going to back to that life style.
I was blown away because I've heard that exact reason before. I'm sure that "I only have one life to live, and I need to make the most of it. I have to do what's right for ME" was said to him on more than one occasion. That statement just seems to follow right behind that reason wherever it goes.
Nine months? She must really have thought that marriage was all about the fairy tale happy ending. Heck, they barely have been together long enough to have had a baby if they became pregnant right away!
The thing is, I feel just as badly for her as I do for the guy. What sort of life does she have ahead of her if she can't commit, if she can't love? She'll spend her life searching for what she already could have had, yet will never find unless SHE changes.
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up
Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you
Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?
Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
I just found out that a guy I know is getting a divorce after only being married for nine months. What's the reason for it? His wife just decided one day that she didn't FEEL like being married anymore and that she enjoyed being single more, so she's going to back to that life style.
I was blown away because I've heard that exact reason before. I'm sure that "I only have one life to live, and I need to make the most of it. I have to do what's right for ME" was said to him on more than one occasion. That statement just seems to follow right behind that reason wherever it goes.
Nine months? She must really have thought that marriage was all about the fairy tale happy ending. Heck, they barely have been together long enough to have had a baby if they became pregnant right away!
The thing is, I feel just as badly for her as I do for the guy. What sort of life does she have ahead of her if she can't commit, if she can't love? She'll spend her life searching for what she already could have had, yet will never find unless SHE changes.
Don't Give Up - Sanctus Real
I heard you say you would love for a lifetimeNow you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up
Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you
Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?
Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Maite
I forgot to post this earlier this week, which is funny because my entire manor changed last night. Here it is anyway:
Sep. 10th, 2007
The more that I learn about her the more special I realize this is. I've dated a few girls in my time and been friends with a lot of other ones and I've NEVER had anything like this.
This post is all coming from a logical point of view. If I was writing about how I was actually feeling right now I'd be off the charts. Words just won't do it justice. She's a special woman and we have something good going on.
I CANNOT wait to see her this weekend.
Sep. 10th, 2007
The more that I learn about her the more special I realize this is. I've dated a few girls in my time and been friends with a lot of other ones and I've NEVER had anything like this.
This post is all coming from a logical point of view. If I was writing about how I was actually feeling right now I'd be off the charts. Words just won't do it justice. She's a special woman and we have something good going on.
I CANNOT wait to see her this weekend.
Reality Check
I expected going back to school to be all about partying and having a good time (not really) but tomorrow that all changes because I have my first two tests of the semester. I've been busily studying all day and I feel pretty good about them. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Once two o'clock comes I'll be a free man and I'll just have to make it through two easy classes on Friday before I head home and get to see Maria. I'm REALLY looking forward to that.
Once two o'clock comes I'll be a free man and I'll just have to make it through two easy classes on Friday before I head home and get to see Maria. I'm REALLY looking forward to that.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Being Me Sucks
Whenever things get good it's just a warning to let you know that things are about to get bad again.
Maria and I have been struggling through the whole distance thing and having a new relationship. The last two nights on the phone have been less than fun. We finally worked out what was bothering her by the end of our conversation tonight and she felt good by the time we got off of the phone.
I felt like shit.
I have this issue where even though I know I'm a very likable person and now and then I have enough self esteem to see the value in myself, I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm not capable of being loved.
Most of my experience in life has shown me that people don't actually love me. They just like me for what I can do for them, and when things get hard they turn their back on me. As far as who I really am as a person? No body gives a damn.
Maybe Maria will be the first person to eventually let me know I'm loved, but right now I feel like she's just riding on emotions. I hope not, I don't know if I can take another heartbreak.
Maria and I have been struggling through the whole distance thing and having a new relationship. The last two nights on the phone have been less than fun. We finally worked out what was bothering her by the end of our conversation tonight and she felt good by the time we got off of the phone.
I felt like shit.
I have this issue where even though I know I'm a very likable person and now and then I have enough self esteem to see the value in myself, I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm not capable of being loved.
Most of my experience in life has shown me that people don't actually love me. They just like me for what I can do for them, and when things get hard they turn their back on me. As far as who I really am as a person? No body gives a damn.
Maybe Maria will be the first person to eventually let me know I'm loved, but right now I feel like she's just riding on emotions. I hope not, I don't know if I can take another heartbreak.
Monday, September 10, 2007
True Beauty
September 6, 2007
Dear Jonathan,
Hi! So this would technically be the first letter from your girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I understand why your brother and your dad didn't really like using the word "girlfriend". Not that there's anything wrong with the word itself, or its true meaning, and besides, others wouldn't understand if we didn't use those terms, it's just that our society and culture have so distorted everything about relationships, making them seem like a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is just something to get, something to have, a trophy, a security, something to use.
But that is not the case for us, or any real relationship, whatever it may be. Nor do I ever want it to be.
When we spoke on the phone last night, something in particular struck me from the email your mother sent you. She said how beautiful it is that God has blessed you with me for your faithfulness.
Oh Jonathan, I DO want to be a blessing to you. In the past, I've done a lot of thinking and writing about the things I want in a man. But now I'm thinking more about who I want to be as a woman.
At first I thought of endless things I wanted to be, strong, gentle, loving, respectful, helpful, encouraging, uplifting, honest, joyful, peaceful, faithful...I could go on. And then I realized that all those things and more can be summed up in my desire (and I believe the true desire of all women) to be beautiful.
And I'm not speaking simply of outward beauty, though that definitely has its place. But rather an all-encompassing beauty. I want to be beautiful. In my heart, in my mind, in my words, in my actions. I want to become all that God intends for me to be. I want to be a blessing to all. A blessing to you.
And where does all this lead except back to the simple truth of God's plan for his children from the beginning! For He is the source, He is all Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. And only by being filled with God can I hope to bring truth, beauty, and goodness to others.
So, my prayer for us today and always is that we always strive to know God's love, to be completely filled with it, to each do God's will, and then to have complete trust that by doing that, we truly will be the greatest blessing to each other.
Wow! I never know quite what to expect once I start writing!
I hope everything is going well for you at school. I'm so proud of you for whole-heartedly seeking God's will in all aspects of your life. For all the risks you've had to take, for trusting God so much that you left everything and moved forward though you couldn't see what was ahead.
Your trust in God inspires trust in me. It inspires my trust in God, yes, but also trust in you. I trust you, Jonathan. Thank you so much for being worthy of my trust. Thank you for being a blessing to me!
Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese
Dear Jonathan,
Hi! So this would technically be the first letter from your girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I understand why your brother and your dad didn't really like using the word "girlfriend". Not that there's anything wrong with the word itself, or its true meaning, and besides, others wouldn't understand if we didn't use those terms, it's just that our society and culture have so distorted everything about relationships, making them seem like a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is just something to get, something to have, a trophy, a security, something to use.
But that is not the case for us, or any real relationship, whatever it may be. Nor do I ever want it to be.
When we spoke on the phone last night, something in particular struck me from the email your mother sent you. She said how beautiful it is that God has blessed you with me for your faithfulness.
Oh Jonathan, I DO want to be a blessing to you. In the past, I've done a lot of thinking and writing about the things I want in a man. But now I'm thinking more about who I want to be as a woman.
At first I thought of endless things I wanted to be, strong, gentle, loving, respectful, helpful, encouraging, uplifting, honest, joyful, peaceful, faithful...I could go on. And then I realized that all those things and more can be summed up in my desire (and I believe the true desire of all women) to be beautiful.
And I'm not speaking simply of outward beauty, though that definitely has its place. But rather an all-encompassing beauty. I want to be beautiful. In my heart, in my mind, in my words, in my actions. I want to become all that God intends for me to be. I want to be a blessing to all. A blessing to you.
And where does all this lead except back to the simple truth of God's plan for his children from the beginning! For He is the source, He is all Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. And only by being filled with God can I hope to bring truth, beauty, and goodness to others.
So, my prayer for us today and always is that we always strive to know God's love, to be completely filled with it, to each do God's will, and then to have complete trust that by doing that, we truly will be the greatest blessing to each other.
Wow! I never know quite what to expect once I start writing!
I hope everything is going well for you at school. I'm so proud of you for whole-heartedly seeking God's will in all aspects of your life. For all the risks you've had to take, for trusting God so much that you left everything and moved forward though you couldn't see what was ahead.
Your trust in God inspires trust in me. It inspires my trust in God, yes, but also trust in you. I trust you, Jonathan. Thank you so much for being worthy of my trust. Thank you for being a blessing to me!
Yours in Christ,
Maria Therese
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Do You Know How To Touch A Girl?
Do you know how to touch a girl?
If you want me so much
First I have to know
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
-Jojo
Maria read me a few short selections from her prayer journal this evening and when we were about to get off of the phone I thanked her for it. It really helped me to respect her that much more as a woman of God and as my sister in Christ. I expressed how I felt like I didn't deserve for God to bring her into my life and that I want that much more to help her grow in holiness and draw closer to Him. I wasn't just saying that to sweet talk her; I really meant it from the depths of my heart.
At first there was silence, and a sniffle. "Thanks for sharing that with me. You're the type of guy that I've always wanted."
Everytime I talk with her we draw closer to each other. Tonight she shared with me about her 'friend' Phil and her four years of liking him and how that affected her. She told me a story from last night where she was talking to a guy she knew after Mass, a family she knew came up and assumed they were dating and asked them to go out to dinner last night. She accepted, and the guy ended up asking her out to dinner the next night in front of the family. She said yes because she didn't want things to get wierd last night, and later told him no when he dropped her off that night because it wouldn't be appropriate since her and I are seeing each other.
She had sent me a text message last night to let me know that she was Salsa dancing and that she wished I was there to dance with her. Salsa dancing is my thing, and I love it. I had been thinking about wanting to go with her just earlier on Saturday and when I heard about her going I ended up feeling quite jealous and having to work through those feelings last night and today. I didn't want to feel that way because I want her to be able to enjoy living her life and I really didn't want to share how I felt with her because I thought I was being stupid. She encouraged me to share how I felt with her and I eventually did. I'm very glad I did, it just brought us that much closer together.
Later on we talked about how we both are the type of people who will quickly give up ourselves and who we are for someone else. I've given up all my interestes in past relationships, and it never ends well. We'll be praying hard that we can keep from doing that. I really want her to keep being Maria and she really wants me to keep being Jonathan. Loving each other by allowing each of us to be free to be ourselves is so much better than trying to grasp at the other person and slowly choking the life out of them.
We also pray every night before we get off of the phone together, and each day we have a special intention that we both pray for and offer up all of our day for. God's really blessed us with each other, there's nothing I've ever done to deserve her.
She's very special to me and we are headed down the right road so far. I hope and PRAY that it continues.
If you want me so much
First I have to know
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
-Jojo
Maria read me a few short selections from her prayer journal this evening and when we were about to get off of the phone I thanked her for it. It really helped me to respect her that much more as a woman of God and as my sister in Christ. I expressed how I felt like I didn't deserve for God to bring her into my life and that I want that much more to help her grow in holiness and draw closer to Him. I wasn't just saying that to sweet talk her; I really meant it from the depths of my heart.
At first there was silence, and a sniffle. "Thanks for sharing that with me. You're the type of guy that I've always wanted."
Everytime I talk with her we draw closer to each other. Tonight she shared with me about her 'friend' Phil and her four years of liking him and how that affected her. She told me a story from last night where she was talking to a guy she knew after Mass, a family she knew came up and assumed they were dating and asked them to go out to dinner last night. She accepted, and the guy ended up asking her out to dinner the next night in front of the family. She said yes because she didn't want things to get wierd last night, and later told him no when he dropped her off that night because it wouldn't be appropriate since her and I are seeing each other.
She had sent me a text message last night to let me know that she was Salsa dancing and that she wished I was there to dance with her. Salsa dancing is my thing, and I love it. I had been thinking about wanting to go with her just earlier on Saturday and when I heard about her going I ended up feeling quite jealous and having to work through those feelings last night and today. I didn't want to feel that way because I want her to be able to enjoy living her life and I really didn't want to share how I felt with her because I thought I was being stupid. She encouraged me to share how I felt with her and I eventually did. I'm very glad I did, it just brought us that much closer together.
Later on we talked about how we both are the type of people who will quickly give up ourselves and who we are for someone else. I've given up all my interestes in past relationships, and it never ends well. We'll be praying hard that we can keep from doing that. I really want her to keep being Maria and she really wants me to keep being Jonathan. Loving each other by allowing each of us to be free to be ourselves is so much better than trying to grasp at the other person and slowly choking the life out of them.
We also pray every night before we get off of the phone together, and each day we have a special intention that we both pray for and offer up all of our day for. God's really blessed us with each other, there's nothing I've ever done to deserve her.
She's very special to me and we are headed down the right road so far. I hope and PRAY that it continues.
Highlights From Irish Fest
I spent my Saturday evening in Pittsburgh at 'Irish Fest' and had a blast. I drove and Ricardo, Devon, and Stephanie road with me. We went down with three other cars of people but the four of us spent most of the evening together. There were some VERY memorable moments from the evening:
-Starting out in a bad mood because I spent the day reading about Sigmund Freud
-Eating bangers and mashed!
-Asking Patrick how his girlfriend was, only to find out they broke up the day after I met her
-Rocking out in the third row to Gaelic Storm
-Driving around Pittsburgh in circles (seriously - we passed the same building FOUR times) for an hour trying to get to Mullaney's Harp and Fiddle Pub because Devon was our navigator and was too tired to remember where we were going
-Making two illegal U-turns in downtown Pittsburgh while trying to find the bar
-Devon calling her brother to find out where to go while we were waiting for a light to turn green, only to have Ricardo spot the sign right in front of us
-Parallel parking in under 10 seconds
-Learning that Michigan lost 39-7 to Oregon and is now 0-2 on the season
-Seeing the members of Gaelic Storm show up at the bar we went to
-The 'older' lady who had too much to drink and was wandering around Mullaney's and rocking out to the band
-The fiddler in the band at Mullaney's. He was Indian and he told everyone he had to leave early because he was opening at 7-11 the next morning. "Thank you, come again!"
-Going in reverse (The wrong way AND backwards at the same time) down a major highway because I passed up yet another exit and I was tired of doing U-turns
-Another illegal U-turn in Robinson
-Getting a text message from Maria saying that she was Salsa dancing and wished I was there with her; If only she knew how badly I wished I was there too
-Driving around Steubenville for half an hour trying to find a place that we could eat at
-Settling for Chicken Nuggets at McDonalds at 2:00 in the morning because I tried to order a hamburger and they don't serve hamburgers at that time of night. It's freaking McDonalds. It exists BECAUSE of the hamburger and you can't order it? It's not like they were serving breakfast food yet. Unbelievable!
-Eating on the trunk of Devon's car because Ricardo, Devon, and I all went through the McDonald's drive through in separate vehicles
-Ricardo had to settle for Chicken Nuggets because he couldn't get a hamburger either
-Not being able to share any of my evening with the person I most wanted to
-Starting out in a bad mood because I spent the day reading about Sigmund Freud
-Eating bangers and mashed!
-Asking Patrick how his girlfriend was, only to find out they broke up the day after I met her
-Rocking out in the third row to Gaelic Storm
-Driving around Pittsburgh in circles (seriously - we passed the same building FOUR times) for an hour trying to get to Mullaney's Harp and Fiddle Pub because Devon was our navigator and was too tired to remember where we were going
-Making two illegal U-turns in downtown Pittsburgh while trying to find the bar
-Devon calling her brother to find out where to go while we were waiting for a light to turn green, only to have Ricardo spot the sign right in front of us
-Parallel parking in under 10 seconds
-Learning that Michigan lost 39-7 to Oregon and is now 0-2 on the season
-Seeing the members of Gaelic Storm show up at the bar we went to
-The 'older' lady who had too much to drink and was wandering around Mullaney's and rocking out to the band
-The fiddler in the band at Mullaney's. He was Indian and he told everyone he had to leave early because he was opening at 7-11 the next morning. "Thank you, come again!"
-Going in reverse (The wrong way AND backwards at the same time) down a major highway because I passed up yet another exit and I was tired of doing U-turns
-Another illegal U-turn in Robinson
-Getting a text message from Maria saying that she was Salsa dancing and wished I was there with her; If only she knew how badly I wished I was there too
-Driving around Steubenville for half an hour trying to find a place that we could eat at
-Settling for Chicken Nuggets at McDonalds at 2:00 in the morning because I tried to order a hamburger and they don't serve hamburgers at that time of night. It's freaking McDonalds. It exists BECAUSE of the hamburger and you can't order it? It's not like they were serving breakfast food yet. Unbelievable!
-Eating on the trunk of Devon's car because Ricardo, Devon, and I all went through the McDonald's drive through in separate vehicles
-Ricardo had to settle for Chicken Nuggets because he couldn't get a hamburger either
-Not being able to share any of my evening with the person I most wanted to
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