I woke up at 4:30 last Thursday morning, drove almost 7 hours to Grand Rapids to surprise Maria, and ended up with just as big of a surprise as she did.
My two favorite bands, Relient K and Switchfoot, are on tour right now and the closest they were coming to Steubenville was a three hour drive.
They were going to be playing in Grand Rapids the following night, which was only another four hours away and since Maria lives there I thought it’d be fun to go to the concert with her.
Going to the concert and surprising her meant skipping two days worth of classes so I did give it a lot of thought to make sure that I could afford to miss my classes. I decided that this is something that I would always remember, so I packed my things Wednesday night and went to bed early so that I would be well rested.
I was excited about the concert, but I was even more excited about surprising Maria. She had no idea that I was coming up to go to the concert, let alone to see her. I formulated all kinds of plans and back up plans for how I was going to meet up with her. I had directions to all the different places I thought she might be at and I even had maps on my computer of Grand Rapids so I could find any other location that I needed to.
I knew she went to noon Mass on Thursdays since she has work off that day and I thought that would be the perfect place to meet up with her. I called around 11 to see how her day was going I found out that she had already gone to Mass and that she was going to be around her parents house for the next couple of hours. At the time, she was waiting for her dad to get out of the shower so that she could get in.
I waited half an hour to be sure that she would be in the shower and wouldn’t answer the phone, and then called her house in hopes of reaching her dad so that he could let me in. I explained the situation to him and he agreed to let me in as long as I could get there in the next five minutes. He had an appointment that he had to get too and there wasn’t anyone else home to let me in. Thankfully, I was only a block away when I talked to him so I hurried over and knocked on the door.
He let me in and I went into the living room to sit down and wait for Maria to get out of the shower. Meanwhile, her dad said goodbye to her and left the house. I had spent a lot of time thinking about how she was going to react when she first saw me. I had a million scenarios running through my head, both good and bad, and I was getting more and more nervous as the seconds ticked away.
Eventually I heard the door open and I was preparing myself for her to come around the corner and see me. A few moments later her head appeared and my brain kicked into gear to start to say something clever. As she rounded the corner and saw me for the first time, the following thoughts went through her head:
1) There’s someone in my house!
2) It’s Jonathan, I must be imagining him because I was just thinking of him.
3) No, it really IS Jonathan!
4) Oh my gosh, I’m completely NAKED
And that’s about the time that she screamed "Oh my God! Jonathan! What are you doing here?!" as she ran down the hallway and slammed the door shut to her parents room and locked herself inside.
That, my friends, is how memories are made.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Trying To Make The Right Choice
I need to get some things out tonight so that I don't make another bad choice today. I'm feeling really guilty and depressed about giving into masturbation earlier today. I'm all alone tonight and the guilt is weighing heavily on me. I know I deserve any bad feelings that I have and I'm not looking for sympathy for them.
In the past I've used alcohol to ignore the guilty feelings. It was a cycle for so many years for me: masturbate and then drink until I didn't feel guilty anymore. That's actually the reason I decided to give up alcohol - if I could break this cycle then I would have to at least face my guilt and it would give me more of an incentive to quit the habit.
Anyway, tonight I'm alone and feeling guilty and everything in me just wants a few drinks so that I can ignore the pain and bad feelings and feel happy. I'm not going to give into that, but I needed to write this so that I could make sure to do the right thing.
I'm so weak and so ashamed of who I am. I'm trying my hardest; sometimes I just worry that it's not enough. Today is 24 days without a drink though, and I don't plan on that changing.
In the past I've used alcohol to ignore the guilty feelings. It was a cycle for so many years for me: masturbate and then drink until I didn't feel guilty anymore. That's actually the reason I decided to give up alcohol - if I could break this cycle then I would have to at least face my guilt and it would give me more of an incentive to quit the habit.
Anyway, tonight I'm alone and feeling guilty and everything in me just wants a few drinks so that I can ignore the pain and bad feelings and feel happy. I'm not going to give into that, but I needed to write this so that I could make sure to do the right thing.
I'm so weak and so ashamed of who I am. I'm trying my hardest; sometimes I just worry that it's not enough. Today is 24 days without a drink though, and I don't plan on that changing.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Life In General
I need to work on making time every day to write in here. Right now the only time I'm ever taking time to write is when there's something awful going on. I guess that's partly because writing is a good way to get my emotions out and get my thoughts down on paper, but it's not a good way to keep track of my life. Most things that happen to me are good, they just never make it in here.
Maria and I talked shortly after my last entry and we've got everything worked out. She's really working hard on trusting me and I'm continuing to work on being a better man. It was a tough thing to deal with, and I'm still struggling with dealing about the guilt from my past mistakes and it's even harder to deal with my more recent struggles. I'm working very hard to try and live completely chaste and so far it's going well, but I have a long way to go before I'll be convinced that I've changed.
My parents came in town this weekend and it was really nice to get a chance to hang out with them. The only hard thing about it was that I didn't have much time to talk to Maria on the phone because I was spending so much time with them. It was good though because I hadn't ever had a chance to talk to them about her and this weekend gave me that chance. I would much rather be with her, but the next best thing is talking about her.
My parents did have a chance to meet her at my going away party and they had no idea at that time that we had any interest outside of being friends. I'm glad that they met that way because they were able to talk for over an hour so both of them got to see her in a different light than they would have if the first time they talked was when I introduced her as my girlfriend.
I'm going home this coming weekend because my friend Steve and Nicole are getting married and Maria will be coming into Lansing to spend the weekend with me. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her again. The distance is still really hard to deal with.
Maria and I talked shortly after my last entry and we've got everything worked out. She's really working hard on trusting me and I'm continuing to work on being a better man. It was a tough thing to deal with, and I'm still struggling with dealing about the guilt from my past mistakes and it's even harder to deal with my more recent struggles. I'm working very hard to try and live completely chaste and so far it's going well, but I have a long way to go before I'll be convinced that I've changed.
My parents came in town this weekend and it was really nice to get a chance to hang out with them. The only hard thing about it was that I didn't have much time to talk to Maria on the phone because I was spending so much time with them. It was good though because I hadn't ever had a chance to talk to them about her and this weekend gave me that chance. I would much rather be with her, but the next best thing is talking about her.
My parents did have a chance to meet her at my going away party and they had no idea at that time that we had any interest outside of being friends. I'm glad that they met that way because they were able to talk for over an hour so both of them got to see her in a different light than they would have if the first time they talked was when I introduced her as my girlfriend.
I'm going home this coming weekend because my friend Steve and Nicole are getting married and Maria will be coming into Lansing to spend the weekend with me. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her again. The distance is still really hard to deal with.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I Am That Boy No More
I feel so close to losing Maria right now. I'm scared and my heart aches.
Last Thursday we finally had the conversation that I was dreading. I had to tell her about my current struggles with masturbation and pornography and she even surprised me when she asked if I slept with Jennifer. I shamefully had to admit to it. Talking to her about those things was the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about with anyone. I knew that by being honest with her that I could completely ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I knew I HAD to talk to her about all the horrible things about my past, and unfortunately my present. I am ashamed of who I am and that these sins have been a part of my recent life. I feel like everything about me is really good, except for my purity. Even then it's only when I'm isolated that my purity becomes a struggle. That's a HUGE part of life though, and that HAS to change.
We were talking last night and she was telling me how she was struggling with trusting me right now. I know I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to be trusted because of what I've done, but at the same time I have completely humbled myself and layed myself out there for her. I've been 100% honest along the way with her and I've held nothing back. To hear that she is struggling with trusting me after that kills me.
What else can I do other than be completely honest with her? If that isn't good enough then nothing is. Then I'm not good enough for her. That's probably more true than I'd like to admit.
I really thought I might lose her last night when we were on the phone, and it's something that I need to be prepared for, yet until I do I need to keep giving my all to her. It's going to be hard, everything in me wants to pull back into my protective shell that I've so often put around myself both after a relationship has ended and even during a relationship when things aren't going well.
This is a REALLY good time for me though. In the past when I felt this way I would have turned to alcohol and to masturbation to temporarily pick up my emotions rather than facing up to what's going on. That isn't happening now and it's not going to happen. It's time to grow up and turn in to a man rather than being a cowering little boy who runs away from the real world and turns to his vices to get through.
I am that boy no more.
Last Thursday we finally had the conversation that I was dreading. I had to tell her about my current struggles with masturbation and pornography and she even surprised me when she asked if I slept with Jennifer. I shamefully had to admit to it. Talking to her about those things was the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about with anyone. I knew that by being honest with her that I could completely ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I knew I HAD to talk to her about all the horrible things about my past, and unfortunately my present. I am ashamed of who I am and that these sins have been a part of my recent life. I feel like everything about me is really good, except for my purity. Even then it's only when I'm isolated that my purity becomes a struggle. That's a HUGE part of life though, and that HAS to change.
We were talking last night and she was telling me how she was struggling with trusting me right now. I know I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to be trusted because of what I've done, but at the same time I have completely humbled myself and layed myself out there for her. I've been 100% honest along the way with her and I've held nothing back. To hear that she is struggling with trusting me after that kills me.
What else can I do other than be completely honest with her? If that isn't good enough then nothing is. Then I'm not good enough for her. That's probably more true than I'd like to admit.
I really thought I might lose her last night when we were on the phone, and it's something that I need to be prepared for, yet until I do I need to keep giving my all to her. It's going to be hard, everything in me wants to pull back into my protective shell that I've so often put around myself both after a relationship has ended and even during a relationship when things aren't going well.
This is a REALLY good time for me though. In the past when I felt this way I would have turned to alcohol and to masturbation to temporarily pick up my emotions rather than facing up to what's going on. That isn't happening now and it's not going to happen. It's time to grow up and turn in to a man rather than being a cowering little boy who runs away from the real world and turns to his vices to get through.
I am that boy no more.
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